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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I reveal affair?

71 replies

Emilylucas86 · 13/09/2016 21:56

I feel like I'm in a bit of a situation.
My ex partner with whom I've got a little girl with is having an affair with his close work colleague. This has been going on for months, and they have been physical with each other. She is married and has been for 6 years and also has a young child.
Me and my partner were separated, but were living together up until a month ago when I revealed that I knew about the affair. He has left the house now.
Anyway, the situation I'm left with is do I inform her husband of what she's doing? I personally don't know her husband, but close family members do. To add it in to the mix her husband also works in the same department as my ex and the other woman.
I feel that if I were in his situation, I would want to know.
What's everyone's thoughts on this?! Help!

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 13/09/2016 23:17

I also think the reprocussions could be big. If they got together properly after she would always be in your life/you DD's life and although she may have ended up with your ex she may not thank you for it.

I would want to know though too.

But there is also the fallout and the impact it has on their child.

It's a toughy. If I new her well enough I might talk to her to try to encourage her to make a choice.

BarbaraRoberts · 14/09/2016 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BreatheDeep · 14/09/2016 08:10

So her husband works with your ex and the woman he's having an affair with? And some of your family know the husband? And you've known about the cheating for a month? I'm surprised he doesn't already know! I'd tell him I think as he will find out anyway. Or maybe you could ask one of your family members who knows him to tell him if they're good friends?

hellsbellsmelons · 14/09/2016 09:23

I was livid when I found out lots of people knew and didn't tell me.
It's pretty humiliating.
I wish someone had put me out of my misery earlier.
I thought I was going mad for 8 flippin' months.
I'll never get those back!

HairsprayBabe · 14/09/2016 09:27

I wouldnt bother, why ruin his life too if she is happy to lie to him? If it carries on much longer they will get found out anyway. Plus everyone will hate you for causing "drama" even if you do have other people's best interests at heart.

betrayedandwobbly · 14/09/2016 09:28

I was told about my STBX's affair by the OW's husband, a coupme of days after he had found out by chance.

I think he's the only person in the whole sorry mess who behaved with integrity and who treated me as a grown up who should be able to make choices about life based on what was really happening. That's way better than being a dupe.

smileyhappypeople · 14/09/2016 09:35

Send him an email anonymously telling him if you don't want the fall out. If they work together it will be easy for him to investigate himself. Write it as though you are a fellow colleague? He may already have suspicions anyway?

PurpleElsa · 14/09/2016 09:41

Definitely tell him. I would want to know if it was me, no matter who told me, or their reasons for doing so.

BarbaraRoberts · 14/09/2016 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bobby2013 · 14/09/2016 09:59

Don't get involved. Really, don't - my friend was in a similar situation and she copped so much anger from the person she told. You don't know how this man is going to react and you have your DD to protect. Just tell your ex you're not happy that the affair is taking away attention from your DD - focus on what he's supposed to be doing. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so I would talk to the woman and ask her if she really wants to lose her husband? Just ask her how she would feel if it all came out in the open, would she still want your ex? Don't say you're going to tell - just try to jolt her into reality by saying how the affair has impacted on your family - that the ex is living with his parents! Ask her if that's what she wants - for her kid to only see his dad at weekends!

MiddleClassProblem · 14/09/2016 10:07

I think it makes it quite a different situation if you are the partner of someone to someone having an affair that finds out and tells vs an ex of someone in an affair and tells. The latter, even with the best of intentions, is not a scorned party so would probably get the brunt of the fallout and look bitter even if they're not.

And it could cause issues with DD in the future whether your ex holds it against you or they get together and she is not that nice as a result of the fallout and her DC being affected.

Granted this is their own doing but it could very much be a case of shooting the messenger. And long term affects on your DD and your relationship with ex need to be considered.

shopaholic999 · 14/09/2016 10:17

Definitely tell him, he has a right to make an informed decision about his future.

I'd do it by email and make sure it doesn't have any links to you at all so when the shit hits the fan, it could be a number of people as so many seem to know except the person who is being cheated on. How humiliating.

shopaholic999 · 14/09/2016 10:18

And I bet many people in the work place know what it going on except the poor husband!

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 14/09/2016 15:48

Tell him 100%

Joysmum · 14/09/2016 15:50

Treat others as you'd wish to be treated yourself. If you'd prefer to know then use that as your moral compass.

SandyY2K · 14/09/2016 16:34

how do you send an email anonymously?

With a fake email account.

SandyY2K · 14/09/2016 16:39

Tell him.

I'd want to know and it's not spite. They're likely having unprotected sex and putting his health at risk

Nobody will hate you, except the cheaters and sod them. That's just crazy logic IMO.

Knowledge is power. Why sit around and continue to see him get abused. Yes .. cheating is abuse, even if you don't know it's happening

People are quick to say keep quiet, but the minute a woman has a marital problem here ... it becomes LTB .. that's abuse ...even when it's not.

Tell him. He deserves the truth, or you could appear complicit in the deceit.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2016 16:43

I agree with timelytess, it's just spite BUT, if you absolutely must stick your nose into this then have the decency to do it in your name and not be a cowardly twat by sending it anonymously. it either really matters to you or it doesn't. If you sent such an e-mail to me and I had no idea who you were, I'd just think what a spiteful, pathetic person you were.

You have your daughter to consider. Does this affect her wellbeing? Yes or no?

... and the gleeful "Let us know how it goes", from MumOfTwo makes me nauseous. This is somebody's life, not a drama for your delectation. Hmm

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2016 16:45

... and I'd ignore an anonymous e-mail. Anonymous communication is low and should be binned unheeded.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 14/09/2016 16:55

I think I'm fully aware Lying that I've had it done to me after 8.5 years and told the other person who was being cheated on who didn't believe me even though I could provide details, events etc. Hmm
It was my life then and I wish someone had told me instead of wasting an extra year of my life with him!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2016 17:00

Yes, so have I, it's rubbish and I have sympathy for anybody who goes through it.

But why do you want a report back on what he says once OP has delivered the news?

MangoMoon · 14/09/2016 17:07

I would tell him.

I was raging about the people who knew & didn't tell me because 'it wasn't their business'.

I would never do anything anonymously though - anonymous is cowardly I think.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 14/09/2016 17:13

I think you need to put your dd first because your responsibility is to her. This will drive another wedge between her parents. You need to be able to Co parent well for her sake. Telling on him will screw that up.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 14/09/2016 17:16

It can ALWAYS get worse...

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 14/09/2016 17:18

As to whether he believed her. I don't know why, I'm not guna sit pondering it but I couldn't get my head round why the bloke didn't believe me when I broke the news so guess I was wondering whether it was a common reaction.
Would you not wanted someone to have told you? I know I wish someone had told me.