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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

From reading MN is my BF controlling

68 replies

TooDamnNosyy · 09/09/2016 10:58

So sorry this is so long!!
I’ve never thought of my partner as controlling but reading a lot of the posts on here im starting to think im in a controlling relationship. I will list a few examples from what other people have described and my personal experience. Please let me know:-
Demanding to pick up on a night out (may sound nice but I get the ‘who was I speaking to’ ‘you’re lying’ ‘can’t believe how drunk you are’ when I’m not as its only blinking 9pm most times) and the next morning is just horrendous…effing and blinding about the night before and how it’ll not be happening again…like I say I’m not drunk as he’s only dropped me off an hour before.
I came home from a night out and he was away working I said I was home but he didn’t believe me and asked me to take a picture holding an object in the house.
Reminds me more often that I’d like that I couldn’t do better than him if we split up.
One time we had an argument and a couple of items in the house were smashed. He took absolutely no responsibility for it, he would have blamed the weather honestly!!
I currently own the house we are living in and he splits the bills at the end of the month. If we fall out about this time I never get the money. I sometimes think he starts arguments to not pay. Telling me I don’t deserve it or if its after hell demand money back.

There are other examples that I can’t really think of atm. May I add I have never given into these demands as I don’t take lightly at being told what to do lol. I think maybe sometimes you need to write down these things to realise what a prat you are with or maybe I have just been reading too much into it after seeing some posts on here x

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 09/09/2016 11:00

Yes he is a controlling arsewipe.

Why are you with him?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 09/09/2016 11:01

You are in a relationship with an abusive and controlling man who will make your life for as long as you are with him a living hell, getting progressively worse as time goes on.

So, OP, what are you going to do about it?

TheNaze73 · 09/09/2016 11:01

He's very controlling. Why the hell are you with him?

Hassled · 09/09/2016 11:04

He sounds absolutely awful and I can't imagine this relationship gives you any pleasure. Life really is too short - get rid. You own the house - you're in a strong position (which I imagine he realises and hates, hence all the putting you in your place).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2016 11:07

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset and he is also likely to be "nice" sometimes. This is all part of the nice/nasty cycle but its a continuous one. Such inadequate men like supposedly strong women; they see them as a challenge to bring down to their base level. They also never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

No you are not reading too much into this at all; he is controlling your very being.

Smashing items in the house (were these your possessions btw) is actually domestic violence.

I would suggest you read a copy of "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft (keep it well away from his prying eyes) and contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 to help you make an escape plan. Such abusive men do not let go of their intended victim easily and such men do take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. I would also suggest that you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as well.

Original poster
TooDamnNosyy · 09/09/2016 11:07

I sound extremely naive here i honestly think it was controlling behaviour till i read some posts on here! Thank you very for your replies. I 100% will be cutting ties when back from business!

OP posts:
OrsonWellsHat · 09/09/2016 11:07

He's controlling and a cocklodger to boot. Get rid.

sausagefest · 09/09/2016 11:08

Run for your life. You deserve better

gingerbreadmanm · 09/09/2016 11:11

my dp was amazing at first then these things started creeping in.

i often think things have got better then he will go on and on about any money i borrow off him in front of people and i realise its still there.

have you been together long? are you happy?

the minute he didn't pay bills would be a great time to chuck him out if you feel comfortable doing that.

Original poster
TooDamnNosyy · 09/09/2016 11:11

ive seen this before what does cocklodger mean?

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 09/09/2016 11:12

My XH used to delight in telling me I'd never meet anyone like him again. Thank fuck for that was my response when I finally got rid. Hope your ok OP, you need to get rid of him, you deserve better.

exWifebeginsat40 · 09/09/2016 11:12

my XH used to insist on picking me up if I went out - disguised as concern but really an opportunity to go on and on and on about how drunk I was. awful.

he was financially abusive too.

I was with him for 10 years. only now we've been divorced for 2 years am I accepting how abusive and controlling he was. I have my demons, sure - but I am NOT who he told me I was.

get rid.

JinkxMonsoon · 09/09/2016 11:13

Controlling, abusive, violent and a cocklodger. Run.

JinkxMonsoon · 09/09/2016 11:14

A cocklodger is someone who lives with a woman and doesn't pay his way at all - like the services of his cock should be payment enough.

Original poster
TooDamnNosyy · 09/09/2016 11:14

ginger i honestly thought i was happy until i read online. we can go weeks without an argument. Bringing up things infront of friends is dead on the money! 60% of the time we are out with friends i come home embarrassed. I am away on business atm but will be calling tonight to ask to get stuff out of the house, i dont want it to progress

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2016 11:15

"when a guy stays at a girl's place without paying, giving her sexual favors instead"

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2016 11:17

TooDamnNosyy,

Would suggest you raise your own bar a lot higher before you embark on another relationship and start loving your own self for a change.

ayeokthen · 09/09/2016 11:17

A partner shouldn't ever humiliate, embarrass, belittle or make you feel stupid/worthless. Not when you're on your own or out in public. Quite the opposite in fact, a partner should be supportive, encouraging, loyal and build you up, not drag you down. It does so much damage to be constantly chipped away at, the sooner you get rid OP the happier you'll be.

Losingtheplod · 09/09/2016 11:18

When you go weeks without an argument, is that because you are doing as you are told? How often do you go out, without him and it doesn't lead to an argument? Glad to see you are getting out of this. I'd be careful about asking him to move his stuff out while you are away though, in case he gets difficult, and takes it out on your things. Is there anyone who can go round and keep an eye on things while he leaves?

gingerbreadmanm · 09/09/2016 11:21

nosy i understand. i too didnt really realise until reading mn.

that's great ypu are up to putting your foot down i think it is for the best rather than getting further in.

Original poster
TooDamnNosyy · 09/09/2016 11:25

i wouldnt have said i was a very submissive partner. Although i never seen controlling behaviour so doesnt say much! We have been together almost 4 years now. I dont pander to all of his nonsense and will call him out on it. He cries anytime anything is said about it. Maybe i should wait till im back and do it then! Really appreciate all your comments x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2016 11:31

We have been together almost 4 years now. I dont pander to all of his nonsense and will call him out on it. He cries anytime anything is said about it.

But you already have pandered to all this and calling him out on it is ineffective. He does this because he can; he likes having such power and control over you. His actions are all about power and control. He does not love you at all, no loving partner would try and control another human being.

Your last sentence re him is him being manipulative. Such men are very accomplished controlling people. He needs to be completely gone from your life as of now.

Original poster
TooDamnNosyy · 09/09/2016 11:35

AttilaTheMeerkat Well i thank MN for making me realise this. I honestly thought it was just bickering or arguing! God how silly do i sound lol!

OP posts:
flippinada · 09/09/2016 11:39

Yes he's controlling and abusive. He sounds really awful.

It's good that you have your own home as this puts you in a strong position.

Can you afford to keep it running on your own?

gingerbreadmanm · 09/09/2016 11:41

it just creeps up and you dont realise.

i thought my dp just loved me a lot and was a bit insecure but now i see it runs deeper than that.

wait until youre home to talk it through. 4 years is a long time althlugh leaving or kicking him out is still the right thing to do.