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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

From reading MN is my BF controlling

68 replies

TooDamnNosyy · 09/09/2016 10:58

So sorry this is so long!!
I’ve never thought of my partner as controlling but reading a lot of the posts on here im starting to think im in a controlling relationship. I will list a few examples from what other people have described and my personal experience. Please let me know:-
Demanding to pick up on a night out (may sound nice but I get the ‘who was I speaking to’ ‘you’re lying’ ‘can’t believe how drunk you are’ when I’m not as its only blinking 9pm most times) and the next morning is just horrendous…effing and blinding about the night before and how it’ll not be happening again…like I say I’m not drunk as he’s only dropped me off an hour before.
I came home from a night out and he was away working I said I was home but he didn’t believe me and asked me to take a picture holding an object in the house.
Reminds me more often that I’d like that I couldn’t do better than him if we split up.
One time we had an argument and a couple of items in the house were smashed. He took absolutely no responsibility for it, he would have blamed the weather honestly!!
I currently own the house we are living in and he splits the bills at the end of the month. If we fall out about this time I never get the money. I sometimes think he starts arguments to not pay. Telling me I don’t deserve it or if its after hell demand money back.

There are other examples that I can’t really think of atm. May I add I have never given into these demands as I don’t take lightly at being told what to do lol. I think maybe sometimes you need to write down these things to realise what a prat you are with or maybe I have just been reading too much into it after seeing some posts on here x

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 09/09/2016 11:42

Wot everybody else said and you do deserve better than this.

In what way would your life be worse if he was not in it? I find that a useful question to ask yourself (although I realise you are already planning on making changes).

Wrt 'we go for weeks without arguments' - how much shit is acceptable in a cup of tea? None. None at all.
Controlling behaviour is never ok, and tends to escalate. His behaviour is his problem and his problem to solve should he wish to do so.
Get out.

flippinada · 09/09/2016 11:43

Don't feel silly - I was with someone like this and they are lovely at first, until they have you "trapped" (as they see it).

Then you get an "off" comment and you let it go because he's so nice the rest of the time. Or a fight is manufactured out of nowhere and you let it go because he's stressed out. Or he has a go at you for spending too much time with your friends and it's just because he loves you so much....

Well, I'm sure you see where I'm going with this. It's not your fault, basically.

jeaux90 · 09/09/2016 11:47

Hugs OP. You are doing the right thing for you xxx

Original poster
TooDamnNosyy · 09/09/2016 11:52

flippinada that's scary you sound like you are describing my relationship he always says he just doesn't want me to go out because he loves me so much! If i hurt myself he really loses it with me whats that about? Im very clumsy by nature!

jeaux90 thank you Smile. Im not sure this has all really sunk in Wine

OP posts:
flippinada · 09/09/2016 11:53

Yes, you are. Glad you're going to get rid. You deserve much better

flippinada · 09/09/2016 12:00

Yes, they often seem to be following a script! Recognising that is good because it held you raise its not you at fault, it's them. I never realised this until I started talking to other women who've been through the same experience so keep talking.

I don't know if you've opened up to your friends but if not start talking to them (if they're already onside then great Smile). You may think they all think he's a great bloke but I bet they don't. The number of times I heard something like "Well I never liked him but you seemed happy so I didn't say anything". Does this sound familiar?

flippinada · 09/09/2016 12:02

"helps you realise" not "held you raise" - the curse of autocorrect strikes again!

nagsandovalballs · 09/09/2016 12:13

Watch out for severe waterworks and emotional blackmail if you try to break up with him. He will wail and sob and claim he'll be homeless. He's a grown man and he won't change (despite promising the earth) and he will survive if you chuck him out.

ElspethFlashman · 09/09/2016 12:19

Also watch out for the typical suicide threats. That usually happens if waterworks prove ineffective.

Only response is to call an ambulance to check on them. After all, if he's serious, then he needs medical attention, right??! That usually embarrasses them into never pulling that shit again.

HuskyLover1 · 09/09/2016 12:19

Demanding to pick up on a night out (may sound nice but I get the ‘who was I speaking to’ ‘you’re lying’ ‘can’t believe how drunk you are’ when I’m not as its only blinking 9pm most times)

Sounds like he doesn't trust you and wants you home early. Tell him he won't be picking you up, as you don't know when you'll be ready to come home.

and the next morning is just horrendous…effing and blinding about the night before and how it’ll not be happening again

So you're not allowed nights out? Ridiculous.

I came home from a night out and he was away working I said I was home but he didn’t believe me and asked me to take a picture holding an object in the house

OMFG, and you actually did that? Huge red flag.

Reminds me more often that I’d like that I couldn’t do better than him if we split up

I bet you COULD do way much better. He's trying to erode your confidence and self worth.

One time we had an argument and a couple of items in the house were smashed. He took absolutely no responsibility for it, he would have blamed the weather honestly!!

He will move on to hitting you next.

I currently own the house we are living in and he splits the bills at the end of the month. If we fall out about this time I never get the money

How does he justify that? I can't imagine having a row with DH and then saying "we had a row so you're paying all the bills this month". That doesn't make any sense??!!

He is living at yours for Free and making your life a living hell.

THROW HIM OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!

Original poster
TooDamnNosyy · 09/09/2016 12:35

HuskyLover1
Oh no i absolutely did not take the picture since then it kind of had me thinking this isn't normal. The bills etc he says things like 'Im not paying after last nights performance' and i just wont ask again as i have before and dont get an answer.

Like i say ive only realised now how bad it all must sound! Sad

OP posts:
flippinada · 09/09/2016 12:39

I think it's easier to see this objectively from the outside, Too. Not so much when you're in the thick of it.

crayfish · 09/09/2016 12:41

He sounds horrible and you are pandering to it by letting him do things like ruin your nights out by picking you up an hour after he has dropped you off and then giving you hell about it. It's your house so you are really lucky you can just tell him to get out.

flippinada · 09/09/2016 12:42

Don't you feel bad, it's all on him - he's the one behaving awfully. Like a PP did, men like your (hopefully not for much longer) partner try and bring you down to their pathetic, nasty level.

flippinada · 09/09/2016 12:42

*said

gingerbreadmanm · 09/09/2016 13:56

i used to have the photo thing lots and sadly indulged it as i didn't realise what was going on!

usually when on the way to work if i stopped off for some lunch at the supermarket. a photo showing the supermarket was often requested. Sad

Original poster
TooDamnNosyy · 09/09/2016 14:58

I honestly dont know how i didnt see it ginger

Well done you for getting out Flowers

I'm dreading heading back down south!

OP posts:
gingerbreadmanm · 09/09/2016 15:16

im not out and dont know if i ever will, its complicated.

but - ypu should definitely do it. you will meet someone who treats you better and who loves you like they should.

FindingSmeagol · 09/09/2016 15:17

Can I suggest you download the Amazon kindle app and get the Lundy Bancroft book on there? Someone suggested this to me as I couldn't find it in any bookshops and didn't want it delivered to the house. Also it feels safer than having to hid books around the house. Good luck.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/09/2016 21:12

you know, weeks without falling out is not really such an achievement. It's quite normal not to fight and argue constantly.

And not paying his share because of your 'performance'? What the actual fuck?

BeMorePanda · 09/09/2016 23:11

Your eyes have been opened. Mn helped me have a similar experience. I knew things weren't always fantastic but there were good times so I thought it normal. I really didn't know better for a long time.

Keep things moving op. There is no going back for you now the penny has dropped

georgethecat · 09/09/2016 23:24

Run! He will get worse

DownTownAbbey · 10/09/2016 04:35

He'll only pay his way if you behave the way he wants? WTAF!?!?! Good luck with losing this dead weight. This alone makes him a twunt.

Poptart27 · 10/09/2016 05:08

Ok so here is how my marriage works.

Me: "I'm going out with X on Saturday. Can you watch the kids?"
DH: "yep"

Next weekend...
DH "I'm going to watch the boxing at X's and won't be home until the next day"
Me: "ok"

Neither of us question what we did, who we spoke to, what was said, etc. We trust each other. Of course I always ask DH how drunk he got but that's about it. Always been this way, we've been married 12 years.

HTH.

Original poster
TooDamnNosyy · 20/09/2016 15:39

So.. didnt quite go aswell as expected and i cant believe his reaction. I didnt say anything when i got home, wanted to see his behaviours for myself. Anyway pretty quickly out came the real him. I asked him to leave he wouldnt and it got heated FAST there was a lot of suicide threats well more along the lines of both of us dying, i told him i was phoning the police if he didnt get out. Which he did, blocked completely although you can still listen to voicemails even though blocked and i stupidly did. more suicide threats. So thats it over with and thank you all so much for your help! SmileWinex

OP posts: