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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and DD clash. How do I handle this?

62 replies

supersop60 · 01/09/2016 16:00

I am fuming at DP and want some advice before I talk to him. I'm afraid of what I might say in the heat of the moment.
Background is that DD (15) has been diagnosed with Bulimia nervosa (no purging) and is being seen by CAMHS. She hates her body and hates having her photo taken.
She was working out the other day and DP wanted to take a photo to 'show her' that she is not fat. I told him to be discreet, and he wasn't.
DD was furious and yelled at him to delete the photos and how he completely disrespected her wishes, and stormed off to her room. They haven't spoken for two days.
Today DP told me he was waiting for her her to apologise and when I asked what for, he said 'for being a bitch'. He said this as he was leaving the house, so I had no chance to reply.
How do I handle this?

OP posts:
Tarttlet · 01/09/2016 16:02

Hmm By telling him to grow up?

And, preferably, by educating him about bulimia - he doesn't sound very understanding of her feelings at all!

AmserGwin · 01/09/2016 16:29

I think he should be the one apologising to her!

BlackVelvet1 · 01/09/2016 16:54

I also think he needs to apologize. Her image belongs to her and respect is a 2 ways street.

Original poster
supersop60 · 01/09/2016 18:13

Absolutely he should apologise, I'm not disputing that. He is rubbish at saying sorry in general. How do I talk to him without calling him a few choice names of my own - any tactical advice?

OP posts:
Jasonandyawegunorts · 01/09/2016 18:16

What he has done is an absolutly disgusting breach of trust at a time where your daughter needs support and trust more than anything.

Joysmum · 01/09/2016 18:19

Since when was Bulimia Nervousa all about what you look like?

She is not being a bitch, she is being normal for someone who is Bulimic. Another trigger is control, he's taking her control away from her in doing this and this is more likely to push her towards bulimic tendencies. I say this as someone with a related disorder known as Binge Eating Disorder.

Keep him away from her until he's done some research, and then maybe get him to just leave it to the professionals.

BertrandRussell · 01/09/2016 18:20

Is he dd's father?

Naicehamshop · 01/09/2016 18:26

I've got no idea how you should get him to apologise - he sounds awful.

Would it be worth just asking him to do some research on line - I'm sure that everything he read would show him that he has taken the wrong approach?

Sorry - not much help!

Original poster
supersop60 · 01/09/2016 18:30

He is DD's father, and he said he'd done some 'reading up' recently. I have been the one to take DD to the doctor's, counsellor, etc, and so I'm going to make him go to the next CAMHS session.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 01/09/2016 18:33

"DP told me he was waiting for her her to apologise and when I asked what for, he said 'for being a bitch"

How DARE he! & the utter nerve to await her apology? Who's he, king of the castle?

Your DD is a YOUNG GIRL he is not arguing with an adult here, no need for a big stance. Calling her a bitch? How pleasant.

She is not well - she didn't react in a way he clearly expected but why would she? You understand her, you've taken the time to, and thats why you told him to be discreet - yet he didn't even respect your wishes & now your DD feels disrespected too

I don't know what you can say to him, he sounds as if he doesn't respect boundaries or women. I wonder if you were happy for him to take your DDs photo? Anyway..good luck whatever you decide

BertrandRussell · 01/09/2016 18:34

I don't know what to advise you- the reason I asked you whether he was dd's father was because if he wasn't , I'd have said boot him out..........

Trifleorbust · 01/09/2016 18:38

It sounds like a - deeply misguided - attempt to help her from a man who doesn't understand the nature of the condition. And he sounds quite childish calling her names.

Frogers · 01/09/2016 18:39

I'm wondering why you encouraged him to do it discreetly? Her feeling needs to be 100% respected where photographs are concerned. That was a breech of trust on both your parts. You should have told him absolutely not.

She was working out and probably feels very vulnerable in work out gear. I honestly don't think either of you come off great here.

Original poster
supersop60 · 01/09/2016 18:39

Mistress that was my reaction.

OP posts:
WilLiAmHerschel · 01/09/2016 18:41

He sounds like a terrible father and he needs to grow up. Calling her a bitch and his whole general attitude is shocking.

Original poster
supersop60 · 01/09/2016 18:43

frogers I know. Even if I'd said don't do it, he'd have done it anyway, hence my attempt to do damage limitation. He's not a respecter of 'no'. A problem for some other thread, maybe.
The sad thing is that she has body dysmorphia, and actually looks great in her workout clothes. It breaks my heart that she is so unhappy with herself.

OP posts:
Frogers · 01/09/2016 18:45

Honestly, I think that even if he disregards what you say you need to show your daughter that you are in her corner. She might not realise it but she is going to need you to be.

I'm sorry you're all going through this. It must be hell.

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/09/2016 18:47

You have to try to fibd a way of making him see that he is the parent in this relationship, and she is the (sick) child. He must put his ego aside and not make it all about him. Sounds like he's angry that his silly tactic didn't work because that makes it a personal failure and therefore all about him, not your ill daughter. He must grow up.

Good luck communicating that to him without him getting all defensive about it though...men like that generally won't accept not having themselves and their egos as the primary concern. It's always all about them. It grinds my gears to say it, but if you have a trusted male friend, he might be able to put it across. Men like that might listen to a man more than a woman. Horrible I know, but if it means he starts supporting your daughter like a decent father and not an egocentric twat, then needs must as the devil drives.

MistressDeeCee · 01/09/2016 18:47

supersop60 yes, it comes across that you are (rightly) upset and angry.

In agreement with Frogers & I can't get my head around him knowing a young girl has body issues and wanting to take her photograph. Furthermore she's in workout gear so hardly covered up head to toe

Thats why I wondered if you were happy with that or went along with it to keep the peace/he was insistent?

Whatever,, its wrong. I hope he is rational and sees the issue here when you speak to him - if he doesn't, then it doesn't bode well for any family relationship

HappyJanuary · 01/09/2016 18:54

I'm not going to be as critical of him as pp.

As an isolated incident, it sounds like he did an unwise thing with good intentions and discussed it with you first.

Her reaction was disproportionate IMO. Understandable in the circumstances maybe, but people with MH issues still need firm boundaries and support to manage negative emotions appropriately.

I wouldn't advocate an unreserved apology from either party, but rather a discussion.

SidneyPiecrust · 01/09/2016 18:57

Seriously, you agreed for him to take a photo!!!! Please share this with Camhs and let us know their reaction. You are dealing with a very serious mental health issue here, fuck apologies the pair of you need educating and trying to win back her trust.

BertrandRussell · 01/09/2016 18:58

You were both in the wrong about the photo.

But he called his teenage daughter a bitch. Pretty unforgivable,min my book.

Naicehamshop · 01/09/2016 19:01

Happy - you think it's acceptable for him to call his unwell 15 year old daughter a "bitch"? It's a really vile misogynistic term - makes my blood boil!

I fail to see how you can think he has "good intentions"!

SidneyPiecrust · 01/09/2016 19:10

This is not about him and his petty right to an apology, your child is I'll. He calls her a bitch when she is most vulnerable, what has his treatment of her been in the past? If she has the fortitude to take on an eating disorder, an apology will be a long time coming. He needs to grow up and support her!

SidneyPiecrust · 01/09/2016 19:14

And your title is completely misleading, they do not clash, your dp is clueless about how to deal with this situation, just as you seem to be.

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