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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and DD clash. How do I handle this?

62 replies

supersop60 · 01/09/2016 16:00

I am fuming at DP and want some advice before I talk to him. I'm afraid of what I might say in the heat of the moment.
Background is that DD (15) has been diagnosed with Bulimia nervosa (no purging) and is being seen by CAMHS. She hates her body and hates having her photo taken.
She was working out the other day and DP wanted to take a photo to 'show her' that she is not fat. I told him to be discreet, and he wasn't.
DD was furious and yelled at him to delete the photos and how he completely disrespected her wishes, and stormed off to her room. They haven't spoken for two days.
Today DP told me he was waiting for her her to apologise and when I asked what for, he said 'for being a bitch'. He said this as he was leaving the house, so I had no chance to reply.
How do I handle this?

OP posts:
SidneyPiecrust · 01/09/2016 19:22

Www.b-eat.co.UK is a starting point. Whatever your do has been reading up on, your decision for a discreet photo has cost you bigtime. Look on mn under health, there is an eating disorders topic. Read up, educate and help and support your dd.

HandyWoman · 01/09/2016 19:54

Agree with whoever just said 'there's no clash' just some pretty insensitive parenting going on.

I thought he must be a stepdad to call her a bitch. Calling her a bitch is pretty unforgivable. I don't really know how you can come back from that or trust him to be a support to either of you going forward.

Sounds like he feels pretty helpless though. Maybe he can speak to CAMHS on his own.

I would draw a line under the crap atmosphere in the house for dd's sake and when he gets in, ask for an abject apology from him for calling her a bitch and take it from there. If he can't apologise for that then frankly he can sling his hook, surely..

MistressDeeCee · 01/09/2016 21:30

but people with MH issues still need firm boundaries and support to manage negative emotions appropriately

Firm boundaries such as having her photo taken despite her wish for this not to happen, and that she has body issue and was in workout gear . & for protesting, she was called a bitch?

You have to be a troll, no other explanation

Original poster
supersop60 · 02/09/2016 02:21

Blimey. Apologies for wording the title in a misleading way.
You are all correct - I should have said no to the photo without exception. I have already apologised to my Dd for my part in this.
sidney Re being supportive - I am very thankful that DD trusted me enough to tell me she was having difficulties; I have done a lot of research, I have taken her to the doctor twice, blood test once, six visits to a counsellor, 2 and 1/2 hours in CaMHS assessment and one session with dietician so far, and have held her and listened while she sobbed in my arms telling me how awful she feels. I am doing the best I can.
Luckily (?) DD did not hear the bitch comment - that was said to me.

OP posts:
VodkaValiumLattePlease · 02/09/2016 02:41

Why the hell would you have a man that 'is not a respecter of the word no' around a vulnerable teenage girl? He either needs to respect her boundaries or fuck off.... There's no middle ground here

Absofrigginlootly · 02/09/2016 02:47

Even if I'd said don't do it, he'd have done it anyway, hence my attempt to do damage limitation. He's not a respecter of 'no'. A problem for some other thread, maybe.

There's your answer. Eating disorders are so often about control. If she feels stifled, controlled, ignored, disregarded and disrespected on a regular basis by her father and this is enabled by her mother (i.e. You don't show her how unacceptable you find this treatment from her DF) then she is going to internalize the fact that the people in her life that are supposed to love respect and value her the most in her life don't, then she's not going to have any self esteem.

And if she has no autonomy in her life then eating is one thing she can control

givingitago85 · 02/09/2016 02:48

Do you think he fully comprehends the diagnosis and what this means? I am not defending what he did or said, and he needs to apologise for that.
I just know that sometimes it is hard to process that something is 'wrong' or someone who we love more than anything else is suffering with an illness, that we tend to react in different ways or block it out. Does he understand the severity of the situation and that does he know how to support your daughter through this?
Would he be open to talking to a support group for parents or something like that?

doji · 02/09/2016 04:25

Honestly it seems like the best thing you could do for her is provide her a safe home where she doesn't have some prick bully violating her boundaries all the time. Your post is one of the most anger-inducing things I've read on here. I hope to fuck you really are a troll.

AyeAmarok · 02/09/2016 05:08

Another who is really uncomfortable reading this. Why would he take her picture when that's a trigger for her? And especially when she's in her gym gear.

If he doesn't respect the word no, then no wonder your DD is having issues like this Sad

SpaceDinosaur · 02/09/2016 05:10

Body dysmorphia does not disappear in a photograph.
Taking a photograph of your poor daughter will not suddenly make her "see the light"
She will look at the photograph and it will compound every single thing that she thought about herself.

Trying to trick her into looking at a picture of just a body and saying it looks nice and then "revealing" it's actually her won't work either. She's hyper aware of how she looks from all angles. She won't fall for it.

Support your child and for christ's sake educate your partner.

Treating (or allowing) your daughter's mental health with such "I know better, I can snap her out of this" is honest to god like saying "your leg's not broken, look, I can make you walk"

SidneyPiecrust · 02/09/2016 08:21

I have done a lot of research - then you should be well aware that a photograph would not be beneficial in any way.

category12 · 02/09/2016 08:30

I'm just stuck on "he's not a respecter of no".

FatElephant · 02/09/2016 08:35

Hi OP, sounds like he needs a reminder that she is the "child" in this situation and he is the grown up. She may well be a teenager and act older most of the time but regardless of who has done what (in this situation it's fairly obvious he's in the wrong, but ignoring that for a second...) the adult should always be the one to speak up first and apologise. After all she is still learning her way in the world, he is the responsible adult and needs to behave like it. I wonder if you frame it like this rather than "you're wrong and she's right" he might be persuaded to speak up first, with the same outcome and less aggro from him. Hope this helps :)

Jasonandyawegunorts · 02/09/2016 08:36

Treating (or allowing) your daughter's mental health with such "I know better, I can snap her out of this" is honest to god like saying "your leg's not broken, look, I can make you walk"

^^
Please read this OP. Your daughter has a mental health condition where she sees her body as over weight, showing her a photo will not change that, it will confirm it.

You claim to have read up on the condition but you are displaying ignorance at an alarming level.

Rainbowunicorn71 · 02/09/2016 08:44

Having had bulimia and body issues most of my life I am Shock by this post. How dare he try to take her photo secretly and op advising him to "be discreet" was giving him the go ahead to invade your daughter's privacy. Then when she gets upset and angry he expects her to apologise and calls her a bitch???
I'm angry on your daughter's behalf and I would actually be looking for a way to get your daughter away from this man (at least temporarily) so that she can start the healing process!

Original poster
supersop60 · 02/09/2016 09:03

I take on board all your comments. I repeat, I have apologised to DD for letting him do it. jason and sidney I know this - it's DP who doesn't.
I appreciate the support , and I thank fatelephant who is the only person who has answered my question about how I approach this in a way that will be listened to.

OP posts:
hermione2016 · 02/09/2016 09:30

How involved is your dp in the process of getting help? I went through something similar and if you are the passive parent (I.e not actively getting the support, talking to dd etc) you can feel remote/detached and not knowing how to handle the situation.

I think he's not handled it well and certainly needs to start talking to his daughter so that she learns to to resolve conflict.

Consider getting support for the family, even if he has someone to talk to.He may be trying to avoid feeling "blame" for the situation or trying to normalise it in the "teenage" mood swings category so he doesn't have to confront it.

2014newme · 02/09/2016 09:34

He sounds dreadful. Give your daughter the support she needs. You have messed up big time it beggars belief that you did that. Seriously poor decision ffs!

flippinada · 02/09/2016 09:49

I think the problem is that your DP is a nasty, childish bully who doesn't respect other people's boundaries (you say yourself he doesn't hear the word no). I'm not sure how you can get past that.

I know he didn't call your daughter a bitch to her face but it's worrying he thinks that it's ok to talk about her that way, especially when she's struggling.

mummytime · 02/09/2016 10:02

I'm wondering how much her father is a background cause of her issues.
He doesn't respect boundaries and won't take no for an answer.
He sounds like a bully. If not worse.

2014newme · 02/09/2016 11:24

Yes the dad could well be a key issue in the bulimia and the mum not standing up to him eg letting him photograph her against her wishes. Atmosphere at home can't be good. Poor girl.

HappyJanuary · 02/09/2016 11:41

Some of these comments are beyond harsh.

When your child has MH issues you feel like a shit parent most of the time, constantly analysing what you've done wrong and whether it's all your fault.

When you ask for advice i don't suppose it helps much to have all of those insecurities confirmed.

OP, none of us is perfect and most of us fuck up sometimes, especially when under stress or dealing with the frustration and helplessness that comes from watching a loved one in pain.

It sounds like you're doing your best to support your DD and educate your DH, and one stupid decision doesn't negate any of that.

Use what happened to show your DH that he needs a better understanding of what's happening with your DD, bring them together to talk and draw a line under it.

flippinada · 02/09/2016 11:55

Of course nobody is perfect - I can only imaging the stresses and strains involved in parenting a child with MH issues (and can I just sop you sound like a lovely Mum who is doing her best).

It doesn't sound like a one off lapse though on her DPs part though, OP says herself says he is 'not a respecter of no' and is rubbish at apologising. I think that is what's giving people cause for concern as it suggests something more than a one off lapse in judgment due to stress.

ShebaShimmyShake · 02/09/2016 11:59

The issue isn't that the parents made a mistake in how to handle their child's illness. OP has apologised to her daughter and learned from it. The father, though, is making the issue all about him rather than his child, failing to accept he made a mistake, demanding his sick child apologise when she's done nothing wrong and generally failing to parent or learn a lesson.

ShebaShimmyShake · 02/09/2016 12:03

And the admission by OP that he's "not a respecter of no" is alarming, to say the least. No young woman, least of all such a vulnerable one, should be growing up learning that men don't have to respect her "no".