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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP and DD clash. How do I handle this?

62 replies

supersop60 · 01/09/2016 16:00

I am fuming at DP and want some advice before I talk to him. I'm afraid of what I might say in the heat of the moment.
Background is that DD (15) has been diagnosed with Bulimia nervosa (no purging) and is being seen by CAMHS. She hates her body and hates having her photo taken.
She was working out the other day and DP wanted to take a photo to 'show her' that she is not fat. I told him to be discreet, and he wasn't.
DD was furious and yelled at him to delete the photos and how he completely disrespected her wishes, and stormed off to her room. They haven't spoken for two days.
Today DP told me he was waiting for her her to apologise and when I asked what for, he said 'for being a bitch'. He said this as he was leaving the house, so I had no chance to reply.
How do I handle this?

OP posts:
Rainbowunicorn71 · 02/09/2016 12:12

January, I think what you say is true for the op and like others say she has apologised to dd and realised how it made her feel. So yes, sorry op you have come under fire a bit and are clearly doing your best in a difficult situation.
I stand by what I said about her dad though. He "does not respect no" he calls her a bitch because she's upset?
No, sorry he sounds like he's adding to dd problems and I think op should consider putting some distance between them.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/09/2016 12:40

You want advice on how to handle the unreasonable angry sulking man. More damage limitation, eh? Oh dear.

You are worried about what you might say in the heat of the moment.

What's wrong with letting rip at him? He deserves it. Or is that not allowed?

Would you get the silent treatment too until you apologised to him for challenging his right to mistreat you and DD?

I'm glad DD is not backing down and apologising or calling him out on his disrespect.

If I were you I would do absolutely nothing with DH. I would tell DD that I think she is right to keep not talking to him until he apologises. I would tell him he owes her an apology, if he were to raise the issue with me, but say nothing further.

I would describe the situation at the next CAMHS appointment and see what they say.

Can you access some counselling for yourself? You are making odd choices that smack of someone who has been crushed into submission.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/09/2016 12:41

I'm glad DD is not backing down and apologising for calling him out on his disrespect.

Bloody phone

NanaNina · 02/09/2016 14:32

I know you're getting a roasting OP but I can only endorse what other's are saying. The anorexia is not the issue really - the idea that a father takes a photo of his 15 year old daughter working out is emotionally abusive. I can't believe you told him to be discreet - you should have been telling him NO - not in any circumstances.

Your poor girl. I think you need to divert your energies to her and keep her away from her father.

HappyJanuary · 02/09/2016 15:22

'I have taken her to the doctor twice, blood test once, six visits to a counsellor, 2 and 1/2 hours in CaMHS assessment and one session with dietician so far.'

Are you getting any support op? Any advice or guidance about how to cope with all of this? I think you need that, it can be so isolating if you're feeling your way through it blindly and it puts a terrible strain on a family.

I do think that your DH needs to be more involved. IME it is often the dad that favours burying their head in the sand and waiting for them to snap out of it. He needs to fully understand what you're both dealing with so you can present a united front and support each other and DD.

I'm sure he loves his DD. He needs to understand that he doesn't know best, and he can't just fix it like a scraped knee. Maybe her reaction to the photo will shock him sufficiently so that he begins to get that at least.

RepentAtLeisure · 02/09/2016 15:29

Bulimia nervosa (no purging) Hmm, I just googled this and it describes exactly what I do... I'll have to have a think about that...

He's not a respecter of 'no'. Tell him he can become a respecter of 'no' and a respecter of his wife and daughter, or he can piss off.

supersop60 · 02/09/2016 16:20

repent - please look into getting help. My DD was bingeing in secret for several months and then feeling ashamed, guilty, in fact every negative emotion you can think of, before she told me about it. Some people live like this for years, it's so sad.
I am gradually learning how to set boundaries to protect myself, but it's an uphill struggle with DP.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 02/09/2016 16:53

OP, I am sorry you are in this position. My DD3 (14) has suffered with mental health issues for various reasons over the last few years. I too have a DH (her dad) who tends to be rather insensitive, although much more just in what he says (motor-mouth who engages mouth before brain) and the way he determinedly misinterprets or misconstrues anything he is told, which I know can be equally as damaging. It is hard, and you are perpetually caught between a rock and a hard place.

You have my sympathy, but I speak from experience when I say that I do think you need to provide your DD with a better safety net. I have learned (again through experience), that not everything about DD needs to be told to DH, and indeed it is often better if it isn't. I no longer involve him unless CAHMS, school etc. require both parents. I go it alone with DD.

I have made it clear to my DH that his blunt ways of speaking make him unsuitable to be regularly involved here even though he means well. I have pointed out before how he has misinterpreted stuff, been totally tactless (tact and diplomacy are not his middle names) and he accepts this. I give him no option but to accept it because much as my DD does love him as her dad, she cannot cope with some of his reactions and wants me rather than him.

So we keep things generally between DD and I and her older sister, to whom she is particularly close. DH occasionally asks in general terms how things are going and gets an equally general answer, which he accepts. I am fortunate in that he accepts that this sort of delicate thing is not his forte.

On the one memorable occasion I did tell DH very firmly to butt out. It was following an appointment at which both parents were requested (so I couldn't stop him being involved there). On the way home afterwards he began motor-mouthing and expounding about how he expected things should be and was upsetting DD. CAHMS too told him at a later appointment that his interpretation had been wide of the mark. He has played no further part.

Your DP should not be photographing your DD without her consent full stop. He should apologise for that and also for labelling her a "bitch". It comes across as creepy and an invasion of her privacy.

What if she told her CAHMS worker that her Dad photographs her in her workout gear? They might then interpret it as pervy and a child protection issue, or at least question whether or not it is. Surely he doesn't want that?? It is what he is risking though, and I would be telling him that very bluntly.

Also, I don't think it is possible to discreetly photograph a teenager who is working out? How? Just how?

Practise saying no bugger off to your DP. If he disrespects that then you have some further issues to address.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/09/2016 16:53

Getting your own counsellor could help you set those boundaries. Do it for your DD. She needs you to unlearn your pandering habits so you can help her cope too.

supersop60 · 03/09/2016 07:03

topsyt thank you for your insight. Your DH sounds very similar to mine - he just wants to fix the problem, but only in his own way.
Things have now moved on - they are talking and DD has been very articulate about how she feels and how it's affecting her.
runrabbit - yes, I am very worried what I am unconsciously teaching the DCs about relationships. (my own experience was flawed, looking back - a DM who ignored boundaries.....)

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 03/09/2016 07:59

he just wants to fix the problem, but only in his own way.

Then he doesn't just want to fix the problem, he wants it to be all about him.

supersop60 · 03/09/2016 08:34

Yep.

OP posts:
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