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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Future faking

75 replies

Oldname · 22/08/2016 21:24

I've been seeing someone on and off for two years. We've had big break ups but always end up back together.
He spends time with me and my children, who are unaware of any break ups, and can be loving and sweet and thoughtful.
But... I have never met any of his family, and if I bring it up it usually ends in an argument. There is always an excuse as to why it hasn't happened.
I asked him about marriage and he said he doesn't see if as important - even though he's been engaged twice before. Is it just that he doesn't want to marry me?
He has said for a year now that we'll live together when we're more settled - but that day never comes.
Do I cut my losses? Security is important to me and I have none with him.

OP posts:
quicklydecides · 22/08/2016 21:31

Seriously does he even see himself as your boyfriend?
Cut your losses and run..

booksandcoffee · 22/08/2016 21:33

You have to trust your gut on such things, but from the outside he doesn't sound like a great partner.

Missgraeme · 22/08/2016 21:35

Doesnt sound like much to lose.

Original poster
Oldname · 22/08/2016 21:36

You think that's enough to walk away?
He has said he wants us to work - to be together for the rest of our lives. But nothing ever progresses.
When he's here it's lovely it the minute he leaves the doubts creep back - I've ended it many times but then he comes back full of promises of making a life together. Then months down the line nothing changes.
The alternative is being alone though.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 22/08/2016 21:36

Two years and you haven't met any of his family? Do you meet his friends or colleagues?

Original poster
Oldname · 22/08/2016 21:37

No family at all. I met a few of his friends at a party almost a year ago - nothing else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldname · 22/08/2016 21:39

He says the opportunity has never arisen. That when we're together he wants our time to be just us.
We went to one of his family's Jones a while ago but they were out - it was unannounced so hardly surprising.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldname · 22/08/2016 21:39

Jones = homes

OP posts:
legotits · 22/08/2016 21:39

Are you happy for what you have now to be as good as it gets?

It only goes downhill, decide now Lass.

cozietoesie · 22/08/2016 21:39

Does he live with family or by himself? And how close to you is he? Do you go to his place ever?

legotits · 22/08/2016 21:40

How old?

cozietoesie · 22/08/2016 21:41

PS - I'm sorry for all these questions, but I'm a bit flummoxed.

Original poster
Oldname · 22/08/2016 21:42

I'm 33, he's 42.
He lives alone but his teenage child stays half the time.
I've been to his home yes - not often though as I my children are young so it's easier to be at home.
No I want things to get better - more committed. It seems a silly reason to break up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldname · 22/08/2016 21:43

He lives about an hour from me.
Don't apologise - I'm desperate to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 22/08/2016 21:46

Not silly, it's normal to meet your DH's family!

Ask him why he thinks it's normal that you don't meet them. Try to get some honesty out of him.

Lilacpink40 · 22/08/2016 21:47

DP sorry!

senua · 22/08/2016 21:50

Sorry to say but this doesn't sound like it is going anywhere. Besides, the lack of family & friends is worrying. If you do get married then that will be your life, you two and nobody else. Is that what you want?

summerblues · 22/08/2016 21:50

My first thought was that his family don't know about you maybe?

Hope thats not the case OP Flowers

Original poster
Oldname · 22/08/2016 21:51

I've had the conversation repeatedly. He just says it's not hugely important to him and that we always get busy doing other things. That's true but I've asked him now so many times and he should now make it happen I think.
His son isn't interested in meeting me, but he's a big part of dp's life and I think we should know each other. DP says he won't force him, when I've suggested days that I'm in the area. Other times he says we can meet any time, then it just doesn't happen.
The living together - he says he has a big upheaval to make, which is true - but if we're not enough for him to do that, after two years, will we ever be...

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldname · 22/08/2016 21:53

His ex is still very close to his family. Maybe that isn't helping things.
I've brought this up loads and he makes me feel unreasonable and impatient but it's not normal is it?

OP posts:
legotits · 22/08/2016 21:54

What is he waiting for?
None of that is likely to change.

Hedging his bets?

Original poster
Oldname · 22/08/2016 21:57

Waiting to see if something better comes along?

OP posts:
MegFlyAway · 22/08/2016 22:02

You sure he's not married?

Original poster
Oldname · 22/08/2016 22:05

Yes sure - his ex has contacted me in the past.

OP posts:
FreeFromHarm · 22/08/2016 22:08

sorry OP, but I think possibly he behaved badly and his son and family are on the partners side .... I would cut your losses, because you just do not know what he has done , he is not violent or anything is he ?