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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Future faking

75 replies

Oldname · 22/08/2016 21:24

I've been seeing someone on and off for two years. We've had big break ups but always end up back together.
He spends time with me and my children, who are unaware of any break ups, and can be loving and sweet and thoughtful.
But... I have never met any of his family, and if I bring it up it usually ends in an argument. There is always an excuse as to why it hasn't happened.
I asked him about marriage and he said he doesn't see if as important - even though he's been engaged twice before. Is it just that he doesn't want to marry me?
He has said for a year now that we'll live together when we're more settled - but that day never comes.
Do I cut my losses? Security is important to me and I have none with him.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/08/2016 22:18

Less than two years and have been on and off and you have had big break ups

That's not right. Why did you break up?

I would assume either he is still with his ex or is hoping trying to get back with her or he has other girlfriends.

FreeFromHarm · 22/08/2016 22:21

I was going to say that he has someone in the house , something is not right here , I agree with RunRabbit

Lilacpink40 · 22/08/2016 22:23

Your life is on 'pause'. I'd force the issue. Meeting up, merging lives or it ends.

Bogeyface · 22/08/2016 22:28

You are his Miss Right Now in that he is spending time with you until he finds his long term prospect.

I am sorry but for your self respect if nothing else you need to walk away.

Not being alone is just not worth staying with someone who isnt really into you, it will kill your self esteem as every time you try to get him to commit, he will pull further away.

LellyMcKelly · 23/08/2016 00:29

If he wanted you to be a full part of his life, you would be. It's not that difficult.

Original poster

Oldname · 23/08/2016 06:38

His ex speaks highly of him mostly - which I find odd because he's done some awful things in our relationship even though he says he's never felt this way about anyone before.
I'm going to sit him down and tell him that I need this to happen now. He reacts badly to perceived criticism so it'll probably end in a row. Then we'll break up, I'll miss him and we'll get back together after he's been on s few dates.

OP posts:

minmooch · 23/08/2016 06:44

What? After he's been on a few dates? With whom? With other people? If so raise your bar love and kick him to the kerb. He doesn't sound good enough.

Original poster

Oldname · 23/08/2016 06:53

This is one of the issues I've had.
When we break up he's back online dating within hours - he says its to make himself feel better.
Then he initiated contact with me, promises the world, we get back together and nothing changes.
I don't believe this is just his nature - he can't have been like this with his ex for so long. Yet he says we're meant for each other etc etc so why won't he just commit to this.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 23/08/2016 06:58

The alternative to being with this lukewarm character is not being alone but being free. Free to meet someone who really would like to merge their life with yours after a decent interval of getting to know each other. Methinks the good old fallacy of sunk costs applies here, perhaps subconsciously. You feel you've invested two years in this relationship - you were 31 now - if it takes another two years to meet someone else special enough you'll be OMYGAHD 35!!! Whereas what you are really doing is frittering away more precious time with someone who isn't that keen to commit and may in fact never do so. If it works for you, fritter away, but it doesn't really, does it? Else you wouldn't be posting.

NorksAreMessy · 23/08/2016 07:03

Why do you think this is all you deserve?
You deserve so, so so much more than this

Original poster

Oldname · 23/08/2016 07:05

Yes Annie I think you're right. I'll have a talk with him when I see him - I know he'll twist it round to me being impatient, and say he has no problem with me meeting his family etc etc. I guess I just need to accept that if it hasn't happened already it never will.

OP posts:

minmooch · 23/08/2016 07:09

And you take him back each time? Gawd girl you need some self respect.

You say he's been engaged twice before? But not married either times? Sounds like he never will - which is fine if you both want that. But he's not making you happy, possibly engineering a break up so he can 'online date' for a bit, then come back to you.

After two years together you should be in a happy place together - it doesn't matter if you are living together/separately, married/engaged or not - but it should be a happy place, a happy time together. Two years and you've had big breaks already. Let this one go and find someone else.

NorksAreMessy · 23/08/2016 07:31

...or 'Let this one go' and find yourself.

You might benefit from some time alone, not going back to him resignedly when he managed to string together a plausible case.
Judge by his actions not his words.

Bogeyface · 23/08/2016 16:45

As a PP said, if he wanted you to be fully in his life then you would be. If he wanted you to meet his friends and family then you would have done. If he wanted to get married/live together etc then that would be happening.

It isnt. Because he doesnt want to. The fact that he goes straight onto online dating within hours suggest that he has never been too fussed about being with you and only comes back when his online dating falls flat.

I am really sorry but when are you going to realise that he is using you to fill in time while he looks for someone else?

Bogeyface · 23/08/2016 16:46

And actually I have wonder if he is not online dating within hours of splitting up, but when you are officially back together too.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/08/2016 17:00

When you break up, who dumps who?

SandyY2K · 23/08/2016 17:10

This is a waste of time.
He won't marry you and you really don't need to force the issue.

I'd end this relationship.

Original poster

Oldname · 23/08/2016 19:51

I usually end it because of his behaviour or my frustration at things going nowhere.
He tells me he's dated girls - shown me photos - and they're stunning.
But he comes back - says they're not me, that he wants us to have s future etc etc.
Why won't he just be honest? I have asked him directly countless times and he assures me it'll happen - I even once suggested we take living together off the table and he wasn't happy, said he ultimately wanted that. But then nothing happens!

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 23/08/2016 20:11

Look at his actions, not his words. Talk is cheap. Anyone can say they want xy or z with you. The question is what steps are they making for it to happen.

Is he everything you want in a husband though?

Do you want marriage or do you want him?

Original poster

Oldname · 23/08/2016 20:18

He is most things I'd want - I could happily be with him for the rest of my life.
But I don't want to be with someone who doesn't think enough of me to want to live together/ marry me - and I would end it if he was honest about it instead of it always being just round the corner.

OP posts:

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 23/08/2016 20:35

He's messing with your head, OP. Google the "pick me dance".

And I agree with others that you need to look at his actions, not his words.

minmooch · 23/08/2016 22:02

He shows you photos of the girls he dates? And you look at them? And then take him back? Can you honestly not see how wrong this is? He is taking the piss and making a fool of you. Big time. Please end it with him and do not take him back.

cozietoesie · 23/08/2016 22:16

How old are your children - and do they ever comment on the situation?

SandyY2K · 23/08/2016 23:24

I'd agree the break ups are his chance to taste something different via online dating. Showing pictures as though you should be grateful he's back with you and not those women.

Those pictures could be taken from anywhere online and he might not even know the women.

Honestly he just sounds a bit dodgy to me. Or simply that he's scared of commitment and because he has no serious intentions towards you, he hadn't introduced you to the people who matter in his life.

Original poster

Oldname · 24/08/2016 06:42

Cozie they're 2 and 4. They don't know any of what goes on.

OP posts:

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