Future faking

[Oldname]

I've been seeing someone on and off for two years. We've had big break ups but always end up back together.
He spends time with me and my children, who are unaware of any break ups, and can be loving and sweet and thoughtful.
But... I have never met any of his family, and if I bring it up it usually ends in an argument. There is always an excuse as to why it hasn't happened.
I asked him about marriage and he said he doesn't see if as important - even though he's been engaged twice before. Is it just that he doesn't want to marry me?
He has said for a year now that we'll live together when we're more settled - but that day never comes.
Do I cut my losses? Security is important to me and I have none with him.

So you've never met his family, he's told you he probably won't marry you, and can't even commit to living with you and you can't see this relationship is dead in the water?

Honestly you need some self respect and higher standards for yourself. You are wasting your time here and for what. Do you really want to beg someone for these basic things? Or issue them with ultimatums. He is 42 yo and if he can't settle down now he's not going to.

Besides his child isn't interested in getting to know you, and he isn't facilitating any relationship either. You seem a convenient part time girlfriend more than a long term serious relationship. Time to wake up.

I hope you get an STI test every time he goes and shags other women

He's simply an old fashioned liar and player. Don't dress it up in fancy terms like "future faking"

You need to raise your bar. I am appalled at how you are letting this man treat you like shit.

Agree with AF. You are choosing to look like a mug here. You know he is online dating as soon as you have a tiff and you are still asking whether it's enough to break up?

Any decent relationship isn't this much hard work - get out for your own sanity. There is definitely something else at play here.

Avebury - what do you mean? Something else at play?

I've spoken to him and raised the issue of commitment again - he said it's my behaviour that causes him not to want to commit. That I'm constantly questioning the relationship, that he'd be the one doing the moving etc. He said he needs time to think, and then suggested should he see other people.

I told him to go ahead if that's what he wants, that I should be able to bring things up without it resulting in a huge row, and now I think we're over.

Amelie theses are just a few examples of why we shouldn't be together. I have a constant feeling of doubt but have never been able to make the break and not take him back.
I have no idea why I keep going back - fear of being more alone I suppose.

AF - I haven't been tested but will do that.

he said it's my behaviour that causes him not to want to commit.

A nice piece of blame-shifting.

now I think we're over.

Well done. Mean it this time! You are worth more than this.

I have no idea why I keep going back - fear of being more alone I suppose.

This is the irony. Th longer you stay with him then the less chance you have of meeting someone else. Ditch him.

Copper

Please let this be the end of this relationship. At 42 he's had 2 broken engagements and if he ever got engaged to you, he'd break that off as well.

You're just 33. You can find a better man for yourself.

When you have to keep raising marriage and living together, it's a non starter. Never hound a man to commit. Just have the dignity to walk away if you aren't getting what you want.

Thank you, I know I need to walk away. It just hurts that he'll be loved up with someone else in a week or two tops, and I feel stuck on the shelf and damaged by the whole 'relationship'.

he'll be loved up with someone else in a week or two tops

No he won't. He's done the 'loved up' thing before and they have never lasted. So the others obviously weren't up to his specification either. Two broken engagements, messing you about, numerous OLD women ... and he still, at the age of 42, can't find a woman to settle down with.
It ain't never going to happen.

Trust me you are not on the shelf, you deserve better and so do your dc, I would do what AF says get tested, it was to late for me and a lot of ow my xh infected. You will find someone who treats you with respect and being a single parent should not mean you have to settle for a asshole who thrives on hurting women especially ones with dc.

I'm feeling a little releived at the minute - I know that'll soon be replaced with panic and that sick feeling that he's gone.

Senua - one of his exes he was with for fourteen years - although I get the impression it was also on/ off. It's a really strange set up - I know next to nothing about his past, which I know shouldn't matter, but it makes me feel that it must just be me. He has good relationships with his exes so he can't have treated them this badly. He has done some truly awful things to me.

Glad it's over OP. Hope it stays that way. He just likes a back up for some home comforts when he's tired from OLShagging.

I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound like a good relationship to me :/

Oh sorry, I missed the rest of the thread. Sorry to hear this, I hope you'll be ok.

Does anyone more in tune with relationships know what happens next in the script?
Does he finally acquiesce, make the sacrifice of moving towns to live with OP which means he has to give up his job ... and OP ends up with a cocklodger?

Senua, of my experience, he will search for someone who has property, money and once bored with the new person he is cocklodging with he will find someone else... everyone of my xh has got involved with has a house ( as ours is being sold)... I would be very wary of allowing anyone of this type move in with you !!!

A wise saying I stick to is 'Pursuit is proof of desire'. I'm afraid I'd he isn't pursuing what he's saying, he doesn't really want it enough. I know that's not what you want to hear but you deserve security and happiness not lies and lip service. Interesting he had been engaged before but not married. There's 2 other similarly disappointed women right there.

Being alone for a bit until you meet someone who really wants to build a life with you is not the worst thing in the world.

He'll be loved up for all of 5 minutes. Believe me he's no loss considering how he treats you and if he was with his Ex for 14 years without marriage, that's a strong indicator that he's really not the marrying kind.

Don't ignore red flags like this because you really want something, as it never ends well.

You are worth much more than this. Your DC deserve to have someone in their lives who want to make a family with them. You are so young at 33, don't write yourself off.
He had a 14year relationship which nothing came off that, why do you think yours would be different?
You aren't alone, you have your precious DC and you will find someone who will treat you properly. In the mean time learn to take care and be kind to yourself.

Thank you Amelie, I needed to hear that - it's bloody hard doing it all alone when all I want is someone to support me and be a family.