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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you still fancy your dp if they have put an enormous amount of weight on & dont look after themselves?

53 replies

PeppasNanna · 20/08/2016 15:34

Just that really.

17 years. 4 dc. Dps weight is a serious concern to me. He won't talk about it.

I don't know how much he weighs. He wears a 48" trouser. Hes wearing xxxxl clothes.

He wore 34" trouser when I met him.

I was a size 8 when I met him. I'm an 8/10 now. We're in our 40's.

Our relationship is in trouble, has been for ages but now he keeps blaming my lack of interest in sex. I physically, dont fancy him.

I can't tell him that. I feel bad. I feel guilty.

How do I move forward? Get through this?

OP posts:

lemonzest123 · 20/08/2016 15:42

Ah that sounds so tough! Have you tried talking to him from a health angle? How did he react?

loveyoutothemoon · 20/08/2016 15:45

Honesty is the best policy.

OMGSame · 20/08/2016 16:00

OP I sympathize with you. It's not always about someone's weight or appearance but the attitude that got them to this point ime and imo.
DH and I are both overweight, marriage in trouble for various reasons.
I am fat, but try to eat properly, exercise, get enough sleel and to be a good example to the children in terms of lifestyle. He eats the meals he's given but otherwise sits in front of the telly eating crisps when he's not at work. It's a real lack of self respect on his part and incredibly frustrating for me. It's so hard to explain to the children that no, you can't trough a whole tube of pringles in one sitting, let's go out for a walk instead of watching telly all day etc etc when their dad does it all the time.

Hard to suggest what to do really, I tell him how I feel and he either blanks me or makes empty promises to change.

I don't fancy him, it's rare that we have any affection at all never mind sex. As I've said above, this is more down to his lazy slovenly ways than how he looks physically. There's only so much you can do though, I refuse to be his mother, he knows how I feel and it's up to him what he does about it.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2016 16:32

Have you expressed concerns about this by way of his health?

The risks of a heart attack, diabetes and other related conditions?

Maybe the health incentives are a way to help. Would he join a gym? Maybe get him one as a gift and go with him for support. Just saying you're trying to keep fit.

Or could you go on walks together?
Who usually does the cooking at home?

Does the weight bother him?

Joysmum · 20/08/2016 17:12

Luckily my DH doesn't care. My weight fluctuates by about 6.5 stone as I have BED which I've had help for.

For his part, he's always been way bigger than me, it's made no difference to how attractive I find him because love him and he's great in bed!

I do worry he'll get ill or die before me, as I'm sure he worries about me when I'm out of control. That's different to finding each other attractive though.

AyeAmarok · 20/08/2016 17:18

If I were you OP, I'd struggle to fancy him.

I'd still love him, but wouldn't physically fancy him and want to have sex, no.

And partly I'd be annoyed that he seemed to have so little motivation to look after himself and be healthy when he has a wife and children. Which does show a bit of a lack of respect/consideration.

Allatseainthemidlands · 20/08/2016 17:19

This sounds really hard- my marriage is good but my DH eats really unhealthily and has put weight on, takes very little exercise and like others I find that a real worry and frustration- but of course the more I mention it the more I sound like the worlds biggest nag.
Do you think the weight gain for your OH could be related to other problems in your relationship? Would it be worth trying Relate or something similar to try to sort out some of the underlying stuff? He's the father of your DCs and you've made it through 17 years so there must be some good stuff in there- but raising a family can take its toll. Can you remind yourselves of the things you really loved about each other- the good stuff- and start rebuilding on that? Could you maybe exercise together? Walking/swimming?
You're not responsible for his state of health or his weight- but if he's miserable- and that sounds like a possibility- he may do better if you can find positive things to do together. Good luck.

Easystreet52 · 20/08/2016 17:44

He is really putting his health in danger with his size and age. A stroke or heart attack is waiting to happen and perhaps he needs this drumming into him.

I wouldn't find the lack of motivation attractive

Crispsheets · 20/08/2016 17:50

No I wouldn't find him attractive.

BodsAuntieFlo · 20/08/2016 18:07

I wouldn't find him attractive. I'd be telling him why I wasn't interested in sex too and be honest about it.

QueenArya · 20/08/2016 18:11

I wouldn't find him attractive OP and to be honest I can see my relationship heading this way too.

Obviously I still love my other half to bits but I pretty much have to accept that he will probably be obese in the future (he's not yet)

OnionKnight · 20/08/2016 18:12

I'd be telling my partner I no longer found them attractive, if that makes me a cunt so be it.

T0ddlerSlave · 20/08/2016 18:14

DH has gone from an L to XXXL in the 12 years we've been together. Still have sex but not as much as he'd like, and more because I want to do something nice for him than I physically fancy him (I don't). He cares about his weight but has low self-control and other health issues which make losing weight hard.

eightbluebirds · 20/08/2016 18:14

After 17 years together, you need to be honest with him.

exLtEveDallas · 20/08/2016 18:15

I've put on about 4 stone since we got married (12 years), DH has put on maybe 2.

He's gone from a 30 to a 36 inch waist. I've gone from a 12/14 to a 16/18.

Hasn't made a blind bit of difference to how we feel about each other or our sex life.

SouthWestmom · 20/08/2016 18:16

I've told my dh, he's developed a beer belly and is carrying a lot more weight. I'm also autistic so it causes sensory issues for me too (but that's not really his problem).
I'm an 8/10 after four kids, was the same when we met and he isn't.
I agree with a pp - the kids eat earlier but I sit with a cup of tea and chat to them, if he's in he sits on the sofa, channel hopping and troughing Pringles or a family bag of sweets.

Chebs · 20/08/2016 18:17

I am facing a similar situation. I love my DH, but I do not find him attractive sexually any more. He has put on about 8 st, currently around 25st. We rarely have Sex, and when we do it is over very quickly.

I have tried advising, helping, being up beat. We joined a gym together and I lost 5 st in around 20 months. He attended approx. 7 times. It's extremely frustrating and I feel like he doesn't care for me or himself any more.

Coconutty · 20/08/2016 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Choceeclair123 · 20/08/2016 19:41

I wouldn't fancy him either. Personally I'd tell him.

Believeitornot · 20/08/2016 19:45

I would struggle. My dh is gradually growing a belly and I'm finding it a bit unattractive.

He's also not doing exercise anymore.

I don't understand why he's lazy. I'm keeping myself in shape because I want to be healthy for the DCs.

Honestly I feel like I don't respect dh as much and that is toxic.

I think you need to tell him. Might give him the kick he needs.

ShelaghTurner · 20/08/2016 19:48

Was just thinking of that other thread coconutty

AppleSetsSail · 20/08/2016 19:49

What you're describing sounds like obesity and no I couldn't find that attractive.

My husband is annoyingly vain and will get in a funk over 5 pounds which I also find unattractive, but I find him sexy at any reasonable weight.

Hockeydude · 20/08/2016 20:06

At xxxxl he must feel really shit, all the time, about himself and about everything.

It must have to do with what he is eating. Either he is eating and drinking lots of junk food or has no portion control whatsoever. I am in two minds about weight loss. Usually it has to be the decision of the person themselves but it can be made easier if someone decides on your food for you and helps you with portion control.

I suppose it would depend on whether it is coupled with other issues like no attention to personal hygiene/general bad natured demeanour/lack of input to family related activities and chores. If the sole problem was the weight, I think I'd still have sex but coupled with any of the above, no.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2016 20:11

There's a very similar thread to this on here today but the wife has put on a bit of weight. Not as much but the answers are very different.

I thought exactly that.

Something of a double standard really.

VimFuego101 · 20/08/2016 20:18

I thought the same about the other thread. OP, I don't think you need to say outright 'I don't fancy you when you're overweight'. What does he say when you tell him you're concerned for his health and worried he is at risk of a heart attack and leaving a widow and 4 children?

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