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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you still fancy your dp if they have put an enormous amount of weight on & dont look after themselves?

53 replies

PeppasNanna · 20/08/2016 15:34

Just that really.

17 years. 4 dc. Dps weight is a serious concern to me. He won't talk about it.

I don't know how much he weighs. He wears a 48" trouser. Hes wearing xxxxl clothes.

He wore 34" trouser when I met him.

I was a size 8 when I met him. I'm an 8/10 now. We're in our 40's.

Our relationship is in trouble, has been for ages but now he keeps blaming my lack of interest in sex. I physically, dont fancy him.

I can't tell him that. I feel bad. I feel guilty.

How do I move forward? Get through this?

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppasNanna · 20/08/2016 20:28

Sorry just typed out a massive reply & it didn't post.

He jokes when we have those conversations. He slways says 'You will be richer' but i won't as we're not married. His Will is sbout 27 years old & his ex is the only beneficiaryAngry

He eats crap outside of home.
Hes lazy.
He hates exercise.
He loves food.
Simple really!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppasNanna · 20/08/2016 20:31

The other thread, that lady has gone up one dress size. Shes not morbidly obese.

Her husband is a nasty piece of work. I never ever tell dp how i really feel. He has no self confidence as it is.

Its infuriating, embarrassing & realistically i know he'll never change.
Thank god he doesn't smoke & only drinks occasionally...

OP posts:
AvengeTheDoc · 20/08/2016 20:44

Admittedly I haven't gone back to that thread, and it is different as there's more weight involved, but a lot of posts when I saw it accused him of lying possibly cheating and it wasn't at all the OPs thought, and the OP herself said she kept asking him to answer honestly, it's somewhat unfair to bug someone to answer honestly and then be too mad that they told you when they didn't want to ( if he had to bug him)

TheLaundryLady · 20/08/2016 20:51

Coconutty - I was thinking the same.

JedRambosteen · 20/08/2016 20:54

Is this a thread about a thread? There's a very distressed OP on another thread whose partner told her he was no longer attracted to her. Perhaps have a read of that if you are favouring the "honesty" approach - you may end up nuking your marriage.

ChunkyMonkey4321 · 20/08/2016 20:54

DH has put on a few stone, he's short as well so it really shows. Physically, yes I'm less attracted to him and his big belly. But I agree with pp that it's the attitude that puts me off most, that he has no reason to have got so fat (I've had two kids and back to a size 10, lost over 3 stone) so I know he could lose weight if he tried but he doesn't.

madgingermunchkin · 20/08/2016 20:56

Don't feel guilty. Next time he tries to blame a lack of sex on you not being interested, tell him the truth. That you can't have sex with some one you don't fancy

If you say nothing, he won't change and you will keep getting blamed. Hopefully the truth will shock him into actually doing something about it.

I get we all gain a bit with age, but that's just ridiculous if he doesn't have a serious underlying illness.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 20/08/2016 20:57

Jed try reading my posts please.

My whole issue is that i do not want to offend my dp

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppasNanna · 20/08/2016 21:09

This most certainly isn't like that other thread.

The husband clearly has issues.
The poor Op...Sad

OP posts:
MoosLikeJagger · 20/08/2016 21:25

I'm in charge of the supermarket shop here - so I've taken to buying more fruit, no crisps etc, all the bread is wholegrain. I've stopped buying beer as well. DH is perfectly free to nip to the shop himself, no nagging or tutting, but most of the time he can't be arsed, so I am sneakily reducing his beer/junk intake that way.

I'm also trying to - on nights that I know he will just veg in front of the tv otherwise - wheedle him into coming out for a walk. He was reluctant at first - I had to really beg - but he's getting keener.

On nights when I cook I choose a healthy recipe from BBC Good Food - and don't mention how I chose it.

Obviously I can't weigh DH without him knowing, but I'm pretty sure he's not putting on any more weight. Baby steps...

The honesty approach.... Fat people know they are fat. It isn't news. It sounds to me like your DH has given up a bit. He might need a bit of really positive encouragement - about himself in general - and some subtle help to get started and begin to feel like he can lose weight.

I couldn't give up smoking for myself, but I did it when my DH cried and pleaded with me.

madgingermunchkin · 20/08/2016 21:26

My bf (now ex, for other reasons) once told me I had gained weight and could do with losing a bit.

Yes it hurt, my confidence was already rock bottom.
But having him say it out loud was the kick up the arse I needed to do something about it

madgingermunchkin · 20/08/2016 21:27

And when I say "gained a bit" I'm talking 3 stone ish.

ShelaghTurner · 20/08/2016 21:30

Oh my goodness! I didn't know losing weight was so easy! Why weren't we all told? 😱 The world will never be the same again, you've all solved the obesity problems of the world!

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 20/08/2016 21:59

Thankyou MoosLikeJagger.
I do all that sort of stuff. We don't drink indoors. Dp isn't fussy so would never ask me anthing about a meal I've cooked!

But hes clearly eating masdive amounts at work. We have 4 dc so very busy house. Lots of opportunities to get out & about but he chooses not to.

I can't do anything about his poor choices.

I feel he uses food as a comfort. He always talks (about puddings or cakes say) in terms of treats & rewards, I just think of food as food.

I do all the food shopping & cooking as he only ever orders take away when its his turn.

OP posts:
TulipStream · 20/08/2016 22:11

It'd most definitely affect how physically attracted I was to him.

To those saying you've put on x amount of weight and gone up x x x sizes and nothing's changed, please who are you trying to kid.

You may still love each other but I highly doubt the same level of Attraction is there!

Going up a size or two isn't a huge deal and I doubt many would notice the difference. However going up 3/4 or more sizes - I can't imagine it not affecting physical attraction. It doesn't mean you don't love them to say that

Shizzlestix · 20/08/2016 22:15

From experience, your head has to be in the right place for losing weight. Once you're motivated, it is easy, but it's equally easy to sit on the sofa watching TV and eating. I'm not a classic yo-yo dieter, I lost the equivalent of another person then have put it back on. It's made no difference to how much sex my DH wants. Conversely, were it him, I'm sure I wouldn't be as keen, which is horrible of me, I know.

Is his hygiene ok? Not wanting to discuss it means he knows, obviously. He's burying his head in the sand, typical avoidance. It's so hard, it's an addiction, same as drugs, fags, booze, but an unavoidable 'substance'. Do you think he would go to the GP for a six week referral to say Weightwatchers? Hard if he won't discuss it!

As other pp have said, try the worried for him route.

princessmi12 · 20/08/2016 22:15

A lot of people comfort eat. It can be caused by depression, anxiety and other minor mental health issues.

princessmi12 · 20/08/2016 23:22

Just read the other post and yeah, double standards are unbelievable. It's weird how some women expect to be desired and fancied irrespective of sedatory lifestyle just because they are married and /or have dcs. And somehow they bring feminism into it? You can be feminist, healthy and look good. These are not mutually exclusive things.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 20/08/2016 23:29

Sorry princessmi12, I don't know ehat post your refering toConfused

If your referring to another thread currently in Relationships, i think you've misunderstood the thread.

OP posts:
TheCuriousOwl · 20/08/2016 23:30

'a few stone'. A few STONE??

The other thread was about a man who swerved intimacy when his wife was slimmer and pre-DC. It is expected that if you have DC your body will change. If you have 2 in 5 years and the oldest is 5 then yes, likely you may well still be carrying more weight than you did pre-DC and it's very very likely your body will look different even if you aren't heavier.

A woman, who's had children, putting on 2 stone and a man going from 'shit excuses' to 'it's your fault because of your weight' for avoiding intimacy is very different to a man putting on 8 (!!) stone for no discernible reason other than habit and laziness. 8 stone is a small person.

princessmi12 · 20/08/2016 23:38

Sorry ,yes mean other thread about female OP and her OH saying he doesn't find her attractive. Don't think I misunderstood that thread lol I read it through!

Dowser · 20/08/2016 23:53

My cousin got up to 38 stone. He was about 6 feet tall.

I met up with him again when he was 24 stone. He got to 18 and was just starting to look good when he got bowel cancer and died.

His wife definitely stopped fancying him when he was so big.

HelenaDove · 21/08/2016 00:09

Why are people comparing this with the other thread? In the other thread the OP has gone up ONE dress size.

Is the OP of this thread fapping her clit off to porn? Y, know because i didnt see that in the OP. Perhaps the posters insisting that this is double standards could show me that bit in the OP as my laptop seems to have missed it!!!!!!!!!!!! Hmm

SandyY2K · 21/08/2016 00:28

His Will is sbout 27 years old & his ex is the only beneficiary.

And he's not doing anything about this then? Mmm. I'd have an issue with this.

MistressDeeCee · 21/08/2016 00:37

I had a DP years ago who put on loads of weight. He became a glutton really. Its hard, trying to advise someone about their weight - they can get so defensive. & its hard to strike a line between meaning well (which is what you really want to do) and coming across as if you're obsessed with their weight and nagging them about it

I didn't like that his breathing was heavier and he began to snore too. Got to the point I couldn't bear to watch him eat, all Id think was "Glutton!"watching him shove food into his mouth and that was that, put me off him and we finished eventually

Im not a counsellor nor equipped to deal with issues around food, I found it stressful and upsetting and decided I was not going to put up with it for years. Not fora man who wouldn't at least try some changes ie I suggested as he had a big appetite we could change some food choices, not necessarily less food just healthier. & if I even mentioned exercise, he'd get really annoyed. I exercise at home he'd go upstairs and Id think why can't you join me a couple of times a week?

I hope your man listens when you have a word OP, and realises you care about his health, and your relationship too. Otherwise it doesn't bode well for the 2 of you. Good luck