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Original poster

How does your partner cope when you are upset or ill?

63 replies

sorbetandcream1 · 19/08/2016 10:32

How does your partner react when you are ill (physically or mentally)? Will he/she do anything without being asked?

How do they react when you are upset?

How do disagreements usually get resolved?

Would love to know other peoples experience. Think I'm losing perspective of what is normal. Unsure if I'm being treated badly or I'm being needy, both possible (probably both true to an extent).

Tia.

OP posts:
Original poster
sorbetandcream1 · 19/08/2016 10:34

Oops, apologies for typo in title. I'll ask for it to be changed.

OP posts:
TheInternetIsForPorn · 19/08/2016 10:36

If I'm upset he comforts means brings me tea. I usually get big squashy cuddles. If I want to talk he'll talk it out with me, if I want to be quiet he'll be quiet with me.

If I'm ill he cares for me and brings me tea Grin. He will fetch medicine to me in bed, care for the kids etc. If I'm ill and it's a work day for him he'll take the burden of sorting childcare for the kids and getting them there if he can.

I get the feeling from your post that this isn't your experience in your relationship. I hope
Things are ok. Do you want to talk about it?

AndroidAddict · 19/08/2016 10:43

When I had my gallbladder out last year dh did everything (all the household chores, all the childcare, all the cooking etc) for the first week whilst I was zonked out on pain killers.
The next few weeks he helped and supported as I got stronger and better able to do my share.
He took two weeks' leave.
He did get a bit stressed with the children (they were only 2&4) towards the end but didn't complain or anything.

When dh is poorly, I try to help and take over with everything but I get a lot more tired and stressed and don't keep up with things like the washing but I try not to take it out on him or the children. I'm not a great nurse tbh because I hate being needed.

NuckyT · 19/08/2016 11:25

When I had my wisdom teeth out (the most hideously unwell I have been since DP and I got together) DP's only bit of 'looking after' was to make me sleep in the uncomfortable spare bed so that I didn't bleed on the good mattress :/

Original poster
sorbetandcream1 · 19/08/2016 11:26

Thank you. There are two main issues for me. He will only help me out/ look after me if I ask, even when it's obvious I need help. He never does anything spontaneously for me when I'm not well.

Also night time is a big problem. Whatever happens, he will not do anything for me once he has gone to bed, ever. In the past he has gone to sleep, aware that I am really ill and no one else is there. It's like he's obsessed with sleep. Sleep is his number one priority.

It scares me- I worry in the future he could really put me at risk.

OP posts:
allthecarbs · 19/08/2016 11:29

Dh isn't good with emotional stuff so will try to do practical things for me when I'm upset.

When I'm ill he'll either arrange childcare (he has a very needy job and can't always drop stuff) or will help out as much with the kids as he can. Again it's all practical stuff but that's just how he is.

adora1 · 19/08/2016 11:33

That must be like living with a child, where is the team work, support, have your back, that's a biggie for me, I couldn't be with a person that I felt wasn't there for me and was going to let me down, what does he say when you pull him up?

0dfod · 19/08/2016 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pasic · 19/08/2016 11:39

I have been ill this week, very unusually, and to be fair DH did ask yesterday if I wanted anything. I said that I could do with a cup of tea, he blinked, sat down and started watching TV. I made my own tea.

That about covers it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 19/08/2016 11:45

DH generally doesn't do things without being asked, but once asked he does it. He will usually ask what needs to be done, but generally doesn't work it out for himself.

I'm usually "sent to bed", tucked in, and regularly checked on!

Ruhrpott · 19/08/2016 11:47

Similar to Pasic really. Might get the odd cup of tea or the kettle out on but that's about it.

Heatherjayne1972 · 19/08/2016 11:53

When I was with my ex there was no acceptable excuse for being ill
I still had to carry on anyway After I nearly died with baby no2 ( complications after cs) he didn't take time off work at all didn't help with either Dc didn't get up in the night change nappies at all ever His life didn't change one iota
Fortunately he's an ex.

Original poster
sorbetandcream1 · 19/08/2016 11:56

This is so useful. Thank you.
When I pull dh up on it, he promises to act differently next time. Never happens.

I'm due to start ivf soon, I worry that he won't be there for me. That coupled with my hormones being all over the place could cause horrible stress. Nor what I need. I'm seriously thinking about cancelling the ivf.

OP posts:
madgingermunchkin · 19/08/2016 11:58

See, I like to be left alone when ill. If I want something, I'll ask, otherwise leave me alone.
But my sibling likes to be fussed over and constantly checked on.

Maybe he's like me, and doesn't realise that you need/want more.
Try talking to him about it.

madgingermunchkin · 19/08/2016 12:00

X post sorry!

Maybe postponing the ivf is a good idea.

adora1 · 19/08/2016 12:06

I like to be left alone too when ill but I would be majorly reassessing my relationship if my partner wasn't giving a shit about me!

AndroidAddict · 19/08/2016 12:07

If he values his sleep so much that he refuses to get up or do anything after bedtime, how willing would he be when a baby comes along with all the related night feeds/changes/sicknesses that it would bring? That point alone would make me seriously consider not having children with him. I don't cope well with broken sleep and it helped massively that dh did as much as I did overnight - I wasn't left to do it all myself and didn't have to ask/beg/moan/cajole him to step up.

bojorojo · 19/08/2016 12:10

If he is not really supporting you now, believe me, he won't when children arrive! I found this out far too late. My DH is so self centred it is untrue! He saw bringing up the children as my job and it still rankles with me . The children now see him as just providing money as this is his only focus in life. As well as unjnterupted sleep of course.

If they are self centred to begin with, they really will not change. My DH likes to say it was because I stood up for women's rights and that meant I had to do everything on my own! Apparently that absolved him of any care towards me and has never taken a day off work - he phones my mum! Even when I had to go into hospital he complained! I think men make all sorts of excuses for not being willing to show concern or even help. When DD 2 was born he managed 20 minutes of visiting time because he was tired. I realised far too late he was shit, so do not do the same!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 19/08/2016 12:13

Can I ask what you're needing him to do after he goes to bed? Surely nothing should need doing after bedtime?

CharminglyGawky · 19/08/2016 12:15

When I'm upset I get cuddles and bemused affection. He wants to help but isn't sure how, but I'm not upset very often. I don't know how he would react to depression for example, I think I have mild anxiety and he is mostly confused if I struggle with that.

If I'm sick I get left alone unless I ask him directly for something in which case he will get it for me. If it's obvious I won't be providing dinner he will order a takeaway, maybe cook if I can tell him what we have in the house.

Recently when I was very sick with morning sickness I woke him up in the middle of the night to tell him I was now throwing up blood, he said 'ok' and went back to sleep Hmm To be fair though I did start off by saying 'I'm ok but...' And I was, I knew full well that the blood was from throwing up so much and nothing dangerous I just wanted to make him aware just in case anything more happened.

He did take over a lot of my jobs though without being asked. He just realised I didn't care anymore if the hoovering needed doing or last nights dinner stuff was still in the kitchen, he did so he did it! No moaning of judgement though, he saw how much I threw up!

I can't imagine planning a pregnancy without being sure your partner would help if you needed it through Sad I hope he bucks up his ideas!

Hopelass · 19/08/2016 12:21

DH is sympathetic at first and then kind of loses interest and I might have to ask for help if I'm struggling but he will help if asked and occasionally will do really nice spontaneous things like give me a back rub or take charge of DS so I can have a rest. He's currently banished to the spare bed at nights because I'm 7 months pregnant and need eleventy million pillows to get comfy and he doesn't complain so I guess I'm quite lucky! He's excellent when it comes to my depression and anxiety though because he suffers too and so understands it.
Have you sat down with him and explained your concerns as you have put them on here or wouldn't he listen?

LaurieLemons · 19/08/2016 12:22

Does he help when you ask? If you were ill all weekend would he take the bulk of the housework? Does he do his share normally or does it all fall to you?

Original poster
sorbetandcream1 · 19/08/2016 12:33

If I ask him to do stuff, he generally will.
He does do his share of the housework.
Not worried about him looking after baby, he's done it before, was brilliant.

My worry at night is that if I'm ill/ depressed, he totally ignores me. I'm starting to think I'm being a bit unreasonable.

I don't wake him up at night, but may ask for something if he's reading in bed. Last week I had a severe migrane, asked him to bring me water (to swallow tablet). He wouldn't. I guess it's not such a big deal. I could do it myself. I just want to feel cared for.

OP posts:
sarahnova69 · 19/08/2016 12:41

Can I ask what you're needing him to do after he goes to bed? Surely nothing should need doing after bedtime?

?!? Do you have the knack of confining all your illness, pain and infirmity to daylight hours? If so, that is a talent to be proud of.

Also people who need a LOT of things doing after bedtime? Children.

Batmansunderpants · 19/08/2016 12:53

My husband provides no emotional support. I can't talk to him if upset or stressed. I also receive no support if Ill. I just have to keep going as he would not stay home or miss work to look after our kids. It is soul destroying knowing that even when really unwell, you can rest.

My husband doesn't like to miss sleep, so I end up doing all the night care for kids and early mornings.

For obvious reasons I am considering leaving as it would destroy me to live like this forever.