How does your partner cope when you are upset or ill?

[sorbetandcream1]

How does your partner react when you are ill (physically or mentally)? Will he/she do anything without being asked?

How do they react when you are upset?

How do disagreements usually get resolved?

Would love to know other peoples experience. Think I'm losing perspective of what is normal. Unsure if I'm being treated badly or I'm being needy, both possible (probably both true to an extent).

Tia.

My husband notices when I seem upset, stressed or distracted and offers a cuddle. If I tell him I am upset/stressed he will often ask if there is anything he can do. He encourages me to go and get a massage/go out for a run/have a lie in when I am having a tough time. I do the same for him.

When I am ill he will bring me food, water, medicine, and text and ask if I want him to bring anything in particular home. He will take LO to childcare, or, if it's not a day we have care, get his mum to come and look after him - I think he'd take off work if I were properly ill and he needed to, it hasn't happened yet. I do the bulk of getting up with our toddler because I have the boobs, but he gets up and pinch-hits on a rough night or when I ask him to. I can't imagine living with someone who didn't feel like a partner and basically constantly demonstrated that he couldn't give a shit about me or our kids. Why have a H at all if they are functionally another child?

Batman, that is awful, truly shocking, what's the point of having a husband, I hope you get the strength to get rid and have a happier life.

Mine does sod all and is impervious to anyone being ill/upset.
After 35 years I'm well used to it!

These men that do fuck all are having the life of Riley, they are not more important than you, hate to say it but if you accept it, it carries on.

I hate, really hate, when people trot out some variation on "that's just how men are" and "you just have to live with it". Talk about misandry. If you really, truly believed that there were no men who were actual partners, who cared and showed it, who did the laundry and got up with the kids... why would you associate with men at all?

They are NOT all like this.

You do NOT have to put up with it.

Men who don't support you when you are ill or upset are ARSEHOLES. And if women stopped putting up with it, they would stop doing it, because they would no longer be getting away with it.

My husband offered no support at all. I was sick all through my 2nd pregnancy, couldn't even look at the fridge without throwing up and he left me all day every day to cope with that and a pre schooler, when asked if he could perhaps cook dinner he got his mum to do it.

No time off once baby was born, no support through family traumas, constantly left day and night to deal with everything.

He's now an ex husband thankfully

He needs pulling up and stepping up OP, I knew no better and was told that what I had to put up with was normal. Thankfully I now know he was very wrong.

Totally Sarah, if I was saddled with one of these waste of spaces I honestly think I'd do something I'd actually not regret!

Saying I am used to it is basically saying I am a doormat and he is far more important and entitled to a happier existence than me - so not true!

Eh, I'm not a man. When I am ill, I like to be left in peace, and assume other people do too, unless the ask me for something

How the fuck is that misandry?

My husband was just like Batman's. Never did any nightwaking, feeds, nappy changes or dealing with illness. During my second pregnancy he flatly refused to do anything for our toddler.

He refused to have his sleep disturbed or get up early in the morning because he 'needed' his sleep.

Any sickness on my part would be met with groans and eye rolling. Any on his had to be met with 24hr care and probably hospitalisation. Detailed discussion of every tiny symptom.

He was a selfish cunt who would always put his own needs above those of his family. I left him.

What on earth makes you think your will be brilliant with a baby?

My husband is also a bit shit. I've just finished chemotherapy for breast cancer and I got through the whole thing by myself and with the help of my parents.

Our DS is 18 months. He has never once got up in the night, got up in the morning and done breakfast, and has only ever put him to bed once (only because I was actually radioactive and couldn't physically do it myself). He works full time, I'm a SAHM. So it's what I expected it would be like. I did think he was shit through my chemo though and it's a very sore subject between us as he feels he was quite helpful. He goes out every evening when DS is in bed, he plays sport every weekend and he generally acts like a teenager. I don't know if I'm a doormat or I'd this is what being a 'housewife' entails.

'Funny' story: after 3 days in labour, I brought DS home and found he only slept if held. We decided to do the first night in shifts, I as breast feeding went first. After 3 or so hours I wake up DH for him to tell me that it's my job and he doesn't want to stay awake. I cry and sit up with my new born. I try again a couple of hours later and can't physically wake him. My DS didn't sleep through the night until about a year - during that time I didn't sleep either but luckily DH managed a full ten hours of sleep every night!! I'm on his floor and have been throughout my chemo as he's teething so waking a lot. My DH has been sleeping through in our comfy bed by himself without ever offering for his poor cancer stricken wife to swap with him. Seriously!

Sometimes I honestly think about leaving him but financially it'd be a nightmare on my own. He does very little aside from earn money...

Jesus user. I don't think any jury could convict you of murder on those grounds! What a knob.

If someone you live with and "cares" about you refuses to get you glass of water to take tablets when you are in pain and unable yourself DONOT have a baby with him!!

Unless you have a serious (chronic or short term) health issue I don't think it's reasonable to wake someone up often at night for oneself.

Have you spoken to him about sharing the night care of future DC? Is he likely to step up?

Also, how might he be putting you at risk by sleeping?

ExH would do nothing. Wouldn't lift a finger, once kicked me out of bed, told me I was being a selfish cunt because I was coughing at night.
It is symptomatic of much bigger issues and you should not stand for it. Where is the love and concern?

My partner now couldn't be more different, couldn't do more for me when I'm ill, and also when I'm well! I had a horrible virus recently and he took over all nursery drop offs/pick ups (not DSs dad), cooked, cleaned, brought me food in bed, went to the shop late at night for medicine. Couldn't ask for more.

I am you but with 2 young children.

When I was pregnant he never did anything to make things easier for me.

Now with two kids I have to ask him to do everything or he will do nothing.

Please rethink having a family with someone selfish. It's soul destroying.

Just yesterday he cooked dinner for himself and his friend who was staying. When I enquired where mine was he looked blankly and then asked if I wanted him to put something in for me. The mind boggles really and I kick myself for having children with someone like him.

When I'm ill he carries on working, I'm expectEd to just soldier through it.

I wouldn't seek to get pregnant with the child of a man who wouldn't bring me a glass of water when I need one, OP.

Fuck that.

Don't have IVF with this man. Just don't.

Yes, there aren't many occasions when a young, healthy adult desperately needs something overnight from their spouse, before DC are involved. So it's understandable that you can minimise it now. But that changes a lot in pregnancy and with a newborn - the affect will be on your body, not his, and if he won't support you physically and emotionally 24/7 it will be a bloody nightmare.

Exactly. You will need a million times more support and love when pregnant and after birth. Think carefully. Or accept how he is and don't expect anything. That's how I live now.

I think it is very telling op that the women who say their dh is selfish when they are unwell have mostly gotten divorced.

Dh used to be rubbish when I was ill, I remember him leaving me in tears one day with 3 kids under 4 because he had to go to work. I wasn't well enough to look after them but he refused to stay.

Four years ago, we were told I probably had a brain tumour. He looked after the kids, worked, visited me in a distant hospital, did everything. Fortunately I turned out to have an auto-immune condition instead of a tumour, but I've been unwell for several years and dh's attitude is totally different. He knows I get tired easily, will often tell me I can go to bed and takes over everything, and puts up with mood swings induced by my medication.

He has proved he loves me in sickness as well as in health, and that's the way it should be.

Please reconsider your future if your dh won't change. If you got ill or had a child who got ill or had a disability, he would be useless, and you would be stuck trying to do everything, regardless of if you could cope or not. Please don't put yourself in that position.

When I'm ill my DP looks after me, takes over all household chores including childcare, waits on me hand and foot. If I want to be quiet, he will leave me alone and occasionally ask if I want/need anything. If I'm in an emotional mood and just want to cry, he will hold me and tell me to cry if I want to and to just let it out, even if there isn't actually anything wrong. He is amazing actually, and I really hope it shows our DD what a good partner is and that she never settles for less than she deserves.

Bloody hell I was coming on for a moan then I saw what had happened to user1471 - that is literally sick you poor woman - I hope you can find a way to leave him.

Early on in our 30 year relationship, if I said I felt ill etc., DH would say "yes that's interesting because I have a cold and a sore throat". Later in our relationship if I had a headache he'd say "yes you're always ill" or maybe we'd be discussing going out and he'd say "well that's going to be difficult with your constant illnesses".

Funny thing is, he has 20+ years in the civil servant and rarely goes a month without being off sick, everything from sprained wrist to chest pains and "flu". He loves the doctors and hospitals - now he is genuinely ill with diabetes and asthma he books up appointment after appointment. For example, he's just had some tests and taken 4 days off sick for them, now he's going to take a day off next week to go to the chiropdist. He retires soon, but he's already lined up several operations for the first year of retirement. During our married life, and all through the children's lives, we've had event after event cancelled due to his "illnesses" that seem to come one after another. If he books annual leave to paint a room he would hurt his back the day before and spend the leave on the sofa.

Only recently my DD caught him telling his colleagues on the phone that he was "going into hospital" (he had an x-ray). Once I was late picking him up from the station due to a meeting at my office and he complained, I said well, these things happen he said, outraged, "why didn't you tell them you have a sick husband?!" when I asked him WTAF he said he had asthma.

If one of the kids gets a cold he says "if I catch that it could kill me" and "you'll have to keep an eye on me" looking dour.

Yet if I am ill, he is furious and resentful. And no, no redeeming qualities and he isn't good dad, I hope one day to LTB. So sorry for your experiences OP - there's a poster on another thread tonight saying that her partner stepped over her complaining about housework whilst she miscarried on the bathroom floor. Do women in same sex relationships get this sort of treatment too sometimes I wonder, or is this something peculiar to (some) men?

Mine is always ill when I'm ill too. I know for a fact his mother always told him he was ill so she could take him doctors (she's unwell mentally) so probably stems from there

Whilst what some pp have posted is imo abusive - ignoring serious illnesses and not allowing women to recover and rest - I'm not sure your dp is being unkind. I think you need to give us more info.

How serious did you feel your illness was - did he misjudge your needs rather than dismiss them? How does he want to be treated when he is ill?
I ask this because some people like to be left well alone whilst ill and were brought up being sort of left to it, whilst others like to be looked after and were brought up being looked after. I would think being looked after is the better way to go but for some of us that doesn't come naturally at all (particularly if there was some form of neglect in childhood) and so we need to be educated on how to behave when ill and when others are ill.

I think there is a difference between leaving someone to quietly get on with being ill in bed when they are basically OK and refusing to get someone with a migraine a glass of water when they have asked for one.

Yes, you might leave someone alone because that's what you prefer but if someone was in my house, in pain and asked for nothing more than a glass of water it wouldn't cross my mind to refuse. I would be pretty shocked at anyone who would refuse to be honest. The fact that he would be like this with someone he is supposed to love just makes it worse.

User147- I can't even find the words to describe how I feel about the way your husband is treating you. It's absolutely appalling. I really hope you can find a way out.

Re the op: my dp tries his best, but does need to be asked. He's under the weather at the moment and lm planning on letting him stay in bed for much of the day.

If you love someone, you look after them.