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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We just broke up - can someone tell me it will all be ok?

60 replies

Queenbean · 12/08/2016 20:53

I have been with DP for just over 3 years, both in our early 30s. We live together, no children.

He's always been a step behind in terms of relationships, he had never really had a gf before me etc and we hadn't talked that much about marriage, babies etc.

About 8 months ago I raised the topic and he basically said he wasn't sure. So about 3 months ago I told him it was what I wanted, and I'd give him time, but that I wouldn't wait forever.

Tonight he has come home to say that he doesn't want to get married and so we will break up basically.

I sort of thought this may come so it's not a total surprise, and I feel weirdly detached from the situation.

Please can you tell me everything will be ok and I will meet a husband soon...??

OP posts:

Original poster

Queenbean · 12/08/2016 21:25

Anyone? :(

OP posts:

Gunpowder · 12/08/2016 21:28

It sounds like a very good reason to break-up. You can't 'unwant' children. It's horrible breaking up but it sounds like better now than in 5/10 years. You will meet someone, it will be ok.

Wooftweetwooftweet · 12/08/2016 21:29

Of course you will! Early thirties is no age. A good firnd of mine broke up with her boyfriend after years of being together and waiting and hoping for more commitment. Less than a year bring single, she met her future husband and was engaged after 2 years together.
It's brave to break up but at least you are not being strung along. The decision is made. Enjoy a bed to yourself, no compromising TV shows, dinner, sharing a bathroom, etc. Find the good points, enjoy yourself and you will find yourself.

DoreenLethal · 12/08/2016 21:29

Nobody knows if you will meet a husband soon, but you will be ok - you were before and you will be again.

timescrossword · 12/08/2016 21:30

Wow. That was blunt of him. And final. It seems as though you accept the situation, so good for you. I wish I could tell you Mr Right will appear. I can tell you that by moving on from this relationship you are giving yourself a very good chance of meeting Mr Right. I'm sorry it sucks right now. Have you got friends and family to support you?

CakePigeon · 12/08/2016 21:30

for you OP, I didn't want to read and run but I feel your pain as I am also early 30s and have just gone through a break up, no DC yet etc, I very much hope it will be ok!! and in the mean time!

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2016 21:33

I think he's done the right thing. We've all seen threads on here where the OP has been strung along for years and years. He hasn't done that.

You're young enough for a fresh start - accept this as good for a time, but not for all time, and move on.

It must be a shock for you - take care of yourself.

MadeForThis · 12/08/2016 21:35

At least he isn't going to string you along. Early 30's is loads of time to meet, marry and have kids. If you both want different things from life it's much better to be honest about it now. Stay strong x

Original poster

Queenbean · 12/08/2016 21:47

Thank you all, you have no idea how much your words mean. It's really kind of you all.

It wasn't too blunt really, we had had a few conversations and he had kept saying he wasn't sure, so I had to lay it on the line and just say how I feel. I didn't want to be one of those "we've been together for 8 years" type threads.

I read on here before though "ultimatums of marriage aren't an indication of a healthy relationship" and that really resonated.

You're all very kind, thank you

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Original poster

Queenbean · 12/08/2016 21:49

Yes, I've got lots of lovely friends and a close family and I know I will be ok. I just felt so differently about him than other boyfriends. It just seems a bit unfair that of all those others, I hadn't wanted to commit and the one that I was ready to just doesn't want it back.

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cheezy · 12/08/2016 22:54

I feel your pain Queen, I am in a similar situation - it sucks

Original poster

Queenbean · 12/08/2016 23:02

Oh Cheezy I'm sorry - do you want to talk about your situation?

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princessmombi · 12/08/2016 23:04

He did the right thing. He set you free. In time you will feel no bitterness. You will be fine. Every relationship teaches you something about yourself

AnneGables · 12/08/2016 23:09

You will be okay you know, you have been set free to find the life you want.

It's scary but you'll soon find your way again. I did it and now so grateful he set me free, it really was all for the best.

Prive120 · 12/08/2016 23:13

It really will be ok.

If you don't want the same things it will be for the best in the long run, no matter how much it hurts now.

You said you weren't surprised - eventually it will be like a weight has been lifted because the "what if" won't be hanging over you anymore.

Just over 5yrs ago this happened to me. My ex decided he never wanted kids and didn't believe in marriage. I realised I couldn't give him any more of my time or love... And suddenly this huge weight was lifted from me and I became myself again. Not the girl wondering where we were going or whether he'd ever truly commit. It was liberating.

Like you, my friends and family were amazing - and their words of advice still stick with me: "have fun!" I really did, and it was the best time of my life.

When you're ready you'll move on, and eventually you'll be ready to find everything you want.

Big hugs!

EleanorofCastile · 12/08/2016 23:16

Everything will be ok, I know it will. It might not feel like it now, but it will. Take time, let yourself be sad for a bit, but this will be a new beginning and time will heal. He has done you a favour by being honest, as heartbreaking as it is (many of us have been there), but you have been honest too and have the benefit of being sure of what you want.

You'll find someone wants the same things as you, perhaps when you least expect it and think that it really won't, but it WILL happen.

springydaffs · 12/08/2016 23:44

Yes it will be ok - as long as you go through with breaking up. Don't hang on hoping he'll change his mind.. (I'm sure you won't but just saying).

He's done the right thing by being absolutely honest and not stringing you along. Looks like you have the knack of choosing good 'uns so take heart from that - not all of us have that knack!

Break ups are pants

Gardenbirds123 · 12/08/2016 23:51

You will be fine and wonderful and happy and fulfilled
Be thankful that you were both honest enough now to end it
You have oceans of time to meet the right person and have a family
Good luck!

RomeoIsBleeding · 13/08/2016 06:25

Don't go looking for a husband. If that's all you want, A Husband, you will find one. But you deserve more than that.

Take this time to re-evaluate who you are and what you're doing. Reflect upon all aspects of your life and take 12 months, say, to tweak things or change things and to become an even better version of you than you already are.

And maybe during that time, or at some point in the future, you will meet someone who enables you to be more. That's the person you should marry.

Not just any man who is willing to be your husband. IYSWIM!

Original poster

Queenbean · 13/08/2016 06:27

I've been awake most of the night, I feel utterly shit about this. I know it's the right thing to do as he doesn't want the same things as me but it's so hard

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seefeld · 13/08/2016 06:33

I'm so sorry Queen. I'm in a similar situation - broke up a week ago - except I have a kid. Be thankful that he didn't string you along for longer. Has he left your flat? Make sure he does!

TrainAway · 13/08/2016 06:34

You'll be alright Queen. Just because it's the right thing doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. You need to take care of you in the coming weeks, be gentle but fair on yourself.

RedMapleLeaf · 13/08/2016 07:13

It really does get easier

RNBrie · 13/08/2016 07:22

I was in the same position, three years together etc. Breaking up was hard but I made a resolution to try and really enjoy being single. I said yes to every weird event and random party and met my dh at one about 8 months later. That was 7 years ago.

Interestingly, my ex got married two years ago and now has a baby, which made me a bit sad as it turns out he did want marriage and dc... But it also helps me understand I was the wrong person for him, he didn't want to marry me.

Original poster

Queenbean · 13/08/2016 07:27

I was in relationships all through my 20s, had one really hard break up at the end and enjoyed being completely single but dating casually a lot for about 3 years before I met this one. I know that I was completely happy in myself before I met him, so I know that I could be again. But it's so hard, woke up after an hours sleep feeling like a sledgehammer had hit my heart :(

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