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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We just broke up - can someone tell me it will all be ok?

60 replies

Queenbean · 12/08/2016 20:53

I have been with DP for just over 3 years, both in our early 30s. We live together, no children.

He's always been a step behind in terms of relationships, he had never really had a gf before me etc and we hadn't talked that much about marriage, babies etc.

About 8 months ago I raised the topic and he basically said he wasn't sure. So about 3 months ago I told him it was what I wanted, and I'd give him time, but that I wouldn't wait forever.

Tonight he has come home to say that he doesn't want to get married and so we will break up basically.

I sort of thought this may come so it's not a total surprise, and I feel weirdly detached from the situation.

Please can you tell me everything will be ok and I will meet a husband soon...??

OP posts:

ValueCunt · 13/08/2016 07:51

Will you meet a husband soon? I can't promise that, and they really aren't the be-all and end-all. (16 yrs married 2 kids and some some tricky times in that time).

What I can promise you is that things will get better if you work at living life. By that I mean getting involved and continually challenging your comfort zone. It is easy to stagnate, academically, emotionally, career-wise, socially. I have stagnated a lot of my life. It felt easier and less scary than pushing myself. In fact it turned out to be very damaging and I am in a much harder place to move out of than if I had kept moving forward, little by little. I did agency work for better pay instead if moving out of a career that I hated. Then I had kids and I used that as an excuse to stop work - it then proved necessary for me not to work for various reasons. Now I am middle aged with no career.

I spent my late teen and twenties wasting time on losers I KNEW weren't right for me. It took me ages to kick them to the curb.

You are doing brilliantly by working out what you want and acting on it. You have given him a chance, set out what you would like and acted accordingly.

The pain of this relationship will fade and end but it needs to be let go. It is possible to wallow in lost love grief for years but you don't sound like the person to do that.

Keep moving forward, a step at a time, a day at a time. You will be happy. Maybe it will be with a husband, maybe you will be a lone parent. Keep moving forward and work on feeling fulfilled and learning new things.

Life will be sunny again.

Original poster

Queenbean · 13/08/2016 08:20

I'm just fixed on the husband thing because this is what I wanted out of this one, and he doesn't want it - so if I didn't meet someone else in the future then I could've just stayed with this one

I was going to post a "I've told him exactly what I want and that I won't wait for it" thread a while ago but didn't have the guts to do it, but I wish I had - all your support is amazing

OP posts:

ValueCunt · 13/08/2016 09:08

This might be an unpopular view on here Queen but I have seen lots of men say they don't want to marry, and then they meet someone who they do. I think if he is saying he doesn't want to marry YOU. He is wrong for you.
My DH was one of those men.

Original poster

Queenbean · 13/08/2016 09:31

That may be true Value, but I don't think that's a very supportive thing to say right now!

OP posts:

TheLegendOfBeans · 13/08/2016 09:36

Have a look at this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2706390-Youve-bullied-me-in-to-marrying-you

The situation is a bit different but the nature of the advice remains the same. Better to be on your own to work on the best version of you rather than be in a relationship going nowhere for the sake of "hitting a milestone" (ie getting hitched, having a baby etc).

BlackeyedSusan · 13/08/2016 09:43

it will be alright.

it will be awful for a few days. then gradually there will be little bits of time where it will feel better. those biits of time will get longer and longer gradually.

Only1scoop · 13/08/2016 09:49

Op at least you haven't carried on for another 3 years singing off different hymn sheets.

Respect to you for not compromising on something so important to you.

I didn't settle down or have a DC until late 30's most of my friends the same.

Good luck

Original poster

Queenbean · 13/08/2016 10:35

Thank you Beans. I had really avoided reading threads like that before because i didn't know if it would resonate too clearly with me. Now that I am, I can see it's definitely the right thing to do before it goes on for too long

My heart is aching at the thought of him moving out, not seeing him every day, starting again at being single - I was just so tired of the dating game and it was so lovely to be in a relationship

I am really liking the stories of "this happened to my friend and....", that makes me feel much better :)

OP posts:

Bomb · 13/08/2016 10:45

I'm not suprised you are feeling sad but it sounds like you have both been sensible and honest with each other and that's admirable.

It's hard but you've both done the right thing. Hopefully, you will both be able to manage a civilised break up. After all No one has done anything wrong.

I know it doesn't feel like it but 3 years isn't too long. It could have rumbled on for years.

I hope you have lots of RL support. Don't be suprised if you are devastated for ages and don't be suprised if you get over it quickly.

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/08/2016 10:52

my dh was one of those men well bully for you value but not exactly helpful to OP.

OP this happened to me too, I wanted kids he didn't. A guy from my past heard I was single after six years and got in touch again, two years later we're married and I'm 37 weeks pregnant.. I felt like it just couldn't happen after the break up but I'm so so so much happier now, in a better, stronger relationship. If I'd 'talked round' my ex into kids I would definitely not have been even a fraction as happy in that situation.

It will happen for you if you get out there and let it! Stay strong and stay NC with the ex.

MrsDilligaf · 13/08/2016 11:03

for you (and , and )

I can't promise you will find a husband but I can tell you that I am sitting here cuddling my 6 month old DD and am approaching my first wedding anniversary. I'm 42.

6 years ago I left a dreadful relationship, I went back to my parents as I was just about bankrupt, I had nothing bar a bag of clothes. Everything I had worked for I left with my ex - it was a choice between possessions or life basically.

I left in January 2011. In November 2011, I met my now DH.

Don't think about dating just yet, give yourself time to get used to the new normal, be a bit selfish and indulge yourself for a while. You'll know when it feels right to start dating again but DON'T go back to him for a sympathy shag. Just don't

You'll be fine (probably sooner than you think)

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 13/08/2016 11:08

You could try cajoling him and doing your best to be as attractive and compliant as possible in order to persuade him to stay.
plenty women do that. it might work. but only for a while.
but to me, that's never a runner.
the fact is - he does not want to marry you.
he told you this so you have to believe him.
leave him go. you deserve someone who loves you.
you'll be fine.

Original poster

Queenbean · 13/08/2016 16:36

I will definitely not try and get him back - I won't be with someone who i have to persuade to feel differently about

Someone here said "you shouldn't be with someone who isn't desperate to marry you". So I see that now and agree.

OP posts:

Original poster

Queenbean · 14/08/2016 09:07

Feeling really upset about the situation this morning, I'm away with friends at the moment and he has moved most of his stuff out. Dreading going home later and having the final goodbye :(

OP posts:

TheLegendOfBeans · 14/08/2016 09:52

That's the worst bit. I've been on both sides of the coin with the "moving stuff out" bit. Tonight will be the worst, and you will be vulnerable and upset and you will probably just want a cuddle. Resist the urge to contact him in any way.
Do you have a chum that could come round and just sit with you? What about your mum?

Again, this will pass. And you will see in time this will more likely than not rejuvenate your life and that this is the first step to the life you want for you. Keeping this in mind will hopefully in time turn despair into excitement xx

fastdaytears · 14/08/2016 09:58

You're going to be fine. If this is how he feels then you're absolutely doing the right thing.

that may be true Value, but I don't think that's a very supportive thing to say right now!

Well it's best to prepare yourself, but it's also good to think that it's not like the world is divided into "wants to get married" and doesn't. It'll happen when you're with the right person.

fastdaytears · 14/08/2016 09:58

Yes definitely have someone with you tonight, even if just to watch Tv with you and make you some tea.

Original poster

Queenbean · 14/08/2016 10:04

Thanks Beans

FastDay I just don't think it's necessary when we have been broken up for less than 48 hours for me to start thinking that he may get married to someone else. Why add to my upset?

OP posts:

fastdaytears · 14/08/2016 10:09

Well can you really feel that much worse right now? There is a logic to you being realistic about that now, but if you don't find that post helpful then skip it. On MN you get all the advice- stuff you want and stuff you don't. I find a bit of anger in a break up helps, but not everyone does.

What are your plans for tonight, can you get some support?

Chihuahualala · 14/08/2016 10:26

So sorry Op.

I was with someone for 3.5 years post leaving my first husband at 34. When my divorce (finally) came through he made noises about getting married and I panicked!

Then I was with someone for 6 months who wanted marriage and kids (I was 38/39 then) and I ended it as I didn't want it.

I then met my now DH aged 40, we were married within 9 months 3.5 years ago.

You'll get there. The next few days will be rough so make sure you have good company.

Original poster

Queenbean · 14/08/2016 13:43

Thanks Chihuahuala

OP posts:

itssquidstella · 14/08/2016 14:00

Don't worry, OP. I was in a very similar situation to you two years ago: I'd been with my ex for five and a half years but we broke up a few months before my 30th birthday (admittedly at my instigation, but I prevaricated about doing it because I was worried about marriage, babies etc). Six months later I met my current boyfriend; we've been together 16 months and we're both in it for the longhaul - neither of us wants to rush but we've talked about marriage more seriously than I ever did with my ex in five years.

itssquidstella · 14/08/2016 14:01

Pressed post too soon!

You may meet someone quickly or you may not, but at least you're not wasting your time with someone you're on a totally different page from.

Original poster

Queenbean · 14/08/2016 20:24

Thank you Stella, we are both a complete mess today and really struggling to work out why this is a good thing. We both think that it needs to happen as we won't compromise on what we want but it's so painful it's hard to see that it's a good thing now :(

OP posts:

fastdaytears · 14/08/2016 20:38

There comes a point with this stuff when you can't say anything else and keep going over the same stuff and getting more and more upset. You need to try to cut down the contact with him and see friend/family instead.

Are you doubting your decision or is it just the pain of going through it? Or hard to tell?

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