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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Urgently need help re domestic violence

55 replies

OreosAreTasty · 07/08/2016 14:16

Friend is in an abusive relationship.
I have known for a while. They've been together since 2010 I've known about the abuse for 7 months.
I've let her just come to me and offered support links to women's aid and other support charities and reminded her that when she's ready to leave I'll be there.
Well now I need the help of those with common sense (which is where mumsnet comes in...)
She's called me, 20 mins ago and said she wants to go today and wants my help. What do I tell her to get? She wants to go before her Dp gets home, approx 9pm tonight.
No kids.
Not married. No joint assets.
I have a spare room- I can take her in But do I take her to women's aid too? The council? Help please. She's a mess, I've never done this before and I need someone who has to point me in the right direction

OP posts:
Original poster
OreosAreTasty · 07/08/2016 14:20

So far I've told her to get all docs passport etc proofs of addresses any valuables she wants to keep and whatever she can fit in my car.
Anything anyone else can add or suggest would be very helpful

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 14:21

Firstly well done for being an amazing friend and doing all the right things so far.

No kids, not married, no joint assets - all very good news.

All she absolutely needs to bring is her handbag (with purse, including bank cards, and mobile phone) and important documents ie passport, birth certificate.

Everything else is "nice to have", perhaps she could focus on priorities eg clothes and anything of financial or sentimental value.

You could also call Women's Aid yourself. And encourage her to call Women's Aid when she gets to your house (or the next day when she's had a bit of sleep).

Do you know if she's told anyone other than you? Her GP for example?

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 14:22

Cross post!

Shizzlestix · 07/08/2016 14:22

Bank statements, as much of her stuff as she can get, valuables, clothes.

Lumpylumperson · 07/08/2016 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 14:26

Another thing to bear in mind is that she might be able to go back and collect belongings at a later date, she would need someone to accompany her of course, but it could be an option.

Do you know if their home is owned or rented and whose name the mortgage/tenancy agreement is in?

Original poster
OreosAreTasty · 07/08/2016 14:26

She hasnt told anyone else. Her DP (not very dear just sticking with the acronyms) tries to stop her contacting others without him around. For example if she phones her mum when he's at work he'll go bonkers if he finds out. I've had to teach her how to selectively delete call logs/internet history etc etc. If she deleted it all he'll know. She has become very isolated.
I only found out so much and became so "involved" for want of a better phrase when I was out for dinner at the same place and spotted a rather nasty mark on her shoulder. I questioned it. She became defensive so I pressed and it all unraveled really :( I don't believe anyone else knows :( she is so isolated

OP posts:
PrincessHairyMclary · 07/08/2016 14:28

If they have any joint accounts I would take half (or all depending on how much of a twat he is).
Could you hire a van for the day and help her take as many of her possessions as possible as it's very expensive setting up home if she has any furniture that's hers etc.

Original poster
OreosAreTasty · 07/08/2016 14:29

House is rented, in his name solely.
She doesn't have much money in her own right, and will have to give up what little work she does once she's left. (8hrs pw in the company he owns).
She's welcome to stay with me for as long as necessary but I want to know next steps/important things to do today like who to Call where to go etc. You're all v helpful
Keep it coming

OP posts:
Original poster
OreosAreTasty · 07/08/2016 14:29

Don't know if I can hire a van, I don't have much money and I've not long passed my test so not sure I'd get a cheap enough hire, least of all last min on a Sunday

OP posts:
Original poster
OreosAreTasty · 07/08/2016 14:30

I do however have a 5 dr hatchback that's quite large so fingers crossed I can get lots of her stuff in.

OP posts:
Bin85 · 07/08/2016 14:30

Any other friends who could go
too with van or car?
Quicker to shove everything in quickly than try and sort now
Take bags , suitcases etc

PrincessHairyMclary · 07/08/2016 14:31

If it's safe of course and he's definitely not back till 9pm.
If not just the bare essentials and get her out I there.

moreginrequired · 07/08/2016 14:32

Not much to add but as well as woman's aid id say get to the council /housing associations to register her as homeless. IME they are really good in these situations

She's being really brave and making an amazing step for herself, she should be very proud

Original poster
OreosAreTasty · 07/08/2016 14:33

He's never home early so that's one thing.
I don't really know anyone at all (I have very few friends) and she can't think of anyone and isn't arsed about furniture (we're texting at the moment) I've arranged to be in her doorstep at 4:30 and told her that she needs to get her documents in order and everything she wants to take now.
This is very frightening for me, I'm worried about what if he knows I've helped her etc etc I can't begin to imagine how frightened she's feeling

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 07/08/2016 14:36

Do they have a joint bank account? He will almost certainly try to clear out the account so make sure she brings all bank details and moves her money as soon as she's in your house.

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 14:37

I don't think it's necessary to hire a van.
It's just stuff.
All she really needs is her handbag, passport and other essential documents (bank statements are not essential, you can access them online or order copies from the bank) and a bag/suitcase of clothes.

OP, when she is safe at your house, and the dust has settled, please encourage her to tell someone. Preferably Women's Aid as they can offer emotional support as well as practical advice. But she could also tell her GP.

In terms of her longer term options, it would be a good idea for her to talk to Citizens Advice - they can advise on benefits and housing options, for example. If she applies for council/social housing she is likely to be reasonably high priority because of being a victim of domestic abuse, and because she is technically homeless although she can stay with you.

mummytime · 07/08/2016 14:38

You can always phone the police on 101 and tell them of your plans. They may be able to respond faster if anything should kick off.

Lumpylumperson · 07/08/2016 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haffdonga · 07/08/2016 14:42

And don't panic. She has a fair bit of time this afternoon to pack what she wants. If there's space in your car she could fit in a starter kit for her new home (some kitchen equipment - pots and pans, small TV?, bedding, winter coats and boots etc) but more importantly anything sentimental or personal.

SomeonesRealName · 07/08/2016 14:43

I left like this and it was frightening. My tips are don't lose the front door keys in the chaos of moving; make sure you know where they are so you can lock up behind you. Don't leave the car where it could potentially be blocked in. Turn off gps on her phone if she doesn't want him to be able to locate her tonight. Stuff - if in doubt take it as you can always give stuff back easier than get it. It's kind of you to help her OP. Take care and don't hesitate to call the police if you need to xx

someonescj · 07/08/2016 14:44

She needs to gather her stuff as quick as she can, birth certificate/passport/night and bank cards are the most important essential clothes if she has the time, bring her back to yours she can phone women's aid (the call will go to the national domestic violence help line) and they'll find her space in a refuge, she may have to travel quite far (I went from the Midlands to London, it was either that or the IOW).

The refuge can provide her with clothing, food and toiletries, once she's in a refuge she'll be able to claim JSA/income support and begin to rebuild her life, honestly the best thing I ever did.

You sound like an amazing friend Flowers

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 14:45

I've copied this list from the Women's Aid website:

to pack if you are planning to leave your partner

Ideally, you need to take all the following items with you if you leave. Some of these items you can try to keep with you at all times; others you may be able to pack in your “emergency bag”.

Some form of identification
Birth certificates for you and your children.
Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.
Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
Prescribed medication.
Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
Address book.
Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
Your children’s favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse – e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records if you have them.

From www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965295-8f67f8a6-62c7

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 14:46

There are good tips on staying safe after leaving on that page, too.

someonescj · 07/08/2016 14:47

Oh was going to say as well if she's on facebook/twitter etc to remove the accounts and he may have a 'find your phone' app installed on her phone so if she can afford it get a little cheap payg.