Urgently need help re domestic violence

[OreosAreTasty]

Friend is in an abusive relationship.
I have known for a while. They've been together since 2010 I've known about the abuse for 7 months.
I've let her just come to me and offered support links to women's aid and other support charities and reminded her that when she's ready to leave I'll be there.
Well now I need the help of those with common sense (which is where mumsnet comes in...)
She's called me, 20 mins ago and said she wants to go today and wants my help. What do I tell her to get? She wants to go before her Dp gets home, approx 9pm tonight.
No kids.
Not married. No joint assets.
I have a spare room- I can take her in But do I take her to women's aid too? The council? Help please. She's a mess, I've never done this before and I need someone who has to point me in the right direction

She needs to contact women's aid now and tell them her plans. They could possibly help her move too depending on staff etc in your area.

She should contact the police and tell them too.

It's going to work in her favour to have as much of a paper trail as possible. This will also help if he decides to press charges for theft or whatever.

Women's aid will really help her get a place of her own with the council so it's important they are involved.

If, at any point, she decides to press charges then the police will have a record of the call.

The important things are any bank documents, passport, ID, photos that can't be replaced, everything else can be replaced.

She needs to delete anything with your number, any contact details or anything that suggests she has contacted you or he will know where she is.

Monday morning she should probably try and get a solicitor and get a non molestation order (these can go through very quickly in cases of domestic violence) and get benefits sorted out, these can take some time to sort out especially as she was working for him, he could make it difficult.

You are an amazing friend

You sound like a really amazing friend.

I once had to do a flit and was amazed how much I didn't really want to take stuff, being safe was more important.

That WA list is good but personally I just wanted to get out, so took handbag with all important docs and financial stuff in, and a black bag of the rest.

Remember, if he turns up at yours or you feel threatened, the law is there to protect you, immediately call the police. They have DV officers and may be able to help/direct your friend as well. You have a right to feel safe while helping your friend.

No kids.
No assets.
Not married.

She can leave and never look back.

If she has a formal contract of employment, she needs to tender her resignation with immediate effect. He might try and say she has to work her notice, but I can't see he'd pursue that.

A note saying "I've left for good, don't contact me or look for me" is fine. Just so he doesn't call the police. Then she can block his number and not answer any calls if she does not know the number.

She should block his email address too and block him on social media. Better still she should deactivate her SM for now.

Is he likely to come looking for her?

Is there a joint bank account? If so she should take out whatever she feels is her fair share.

I'm not sure as I have never been in the situation but bless you for being there for her. You sound like the best friend ever.
I have however had issues with a family member and the police where on the sidelines.
Would it be worth calling 111 to make them aware of the situation?

You are an amazing friend .
Agree with all that's gone before. I really don't want to scare you but does he know you or where you live? It might be worth shutting off any tracking devices that you also have on your phone, iPad etc.
Consider asking a neighbour/friend to let you know if they see anyone about who is unfamiliar.
Be brave. Stay safe.

We did this for another friend, although we had more notice and so were able to get a team together.

Take as much a stuff as you can , as long as you can both do so safely . She won't have much money , so household things will be useful . Bedding,, toiletries, laptop , Chargers, suitcases, kitchen stuff, post pans, dishes, iron , kettle, toaster.

Toiletries and especially medication.

Don't worry if she says she didn't pay for stuff - they are joint assets , let him sue her for them . I mean things like the kettle, not his personal possesions of course .

You might need to take some boxes / suitcase/ bin bags with you in case she doesn't have enough .

Is there any chance that a neighbour will call you if they see her leaving ?

Take a couple of empty suitcases and she can shove her stuff in. I doubt she has any furniture if it's rented and his

All good suggestions.

Tell her to ditch her phone and any other electronics he could 'track'. Safety trumps these items; they are replaceable.

Good luck to both of you. You're an amazing friend, and your friend is incredibly brave to take this step. It is hard. I hope it goes smoothly and she doesn't wobble and go back.

Once you have left her house, get her to turn off her phone . Then check it for tracking apps before she starts using it again. If you don't know how to do this, ask someone who does. Or goggle it.

Agree some ground rules with your friend . She needs to NEVER let him know that she is living with you, or you will have no alternative but to ask her to leave .

I know it sounds obvious, but abusers are very good at manipulation and I know someone who actually told their ex where they were " so they wouldn't worry " and because " he promised not to turn up " and " I could tell he really meant it, he was crying " . You've guessed what happened next .

I second that Kr1stina.
Really, really important.

I live in a secure block of flats, a good few floors off the ground, weighted front door with extra locks on the inside. Block is key card entry only. Doubt he'd get in. But if she lets him in there'll be wars (and I'll tell her so) and yes I would make them both leave there and then. Small mercy of being off work sick I guess (me) I'll always be home... I hope she isn't daft enough but I'll try to protect us both. About to set off to hers now. Wish us luck. I won't go ins and outs but I'll let you know when we/she's safe.
Thank you oh wise mumsnetters (bloody love this site)

hope it goes well.

You are a good friend . It turned out really well for the friend who we helped rescue .

She went to a refuge a few hundred miles away , near her family . They helped her apply for a Housing Association flat, school places for the kids and once they were settled she got work as a childminder.

Your friend can get a new life too, it won't be easy and it won't be quick . But it can happen.

And you are part of that for her today

You sound like a fab friend!

I once jumped in my car to drive up to a friend whose now XP was smashing up the flat whilst she was locked in another room. It's horrible. She made me promise to not call the police and to this day I still wish I had, just because I believe people like that should not be allowed to get away with their behaviour. So I do suggest you ring 101 and warn them what is happening and why, and what time you are picking her up and what time he is likely to get home and thus find out.

You've had all the important advice from PPs. Here's just a little cheer to you for being a brilliant friend. Good luck with the pick up!

I second getting all things technical checked out like her phone/laptop for tracker whatnots etc. Hope it goes ok

Home now (with friend also) All went ok. Thanks guys :)

well done op.

Good luck to your friend, she has shown amazing strength getting out.

Bloody well done both of you.

Well done!

Glad your both safe xx

So happy you are both safe
I needed a friend like you 💐

Iv only just seen this.

Well done op and friend.

We're around here when you need us.

God I was feeling sick reading that thread. So pleased it went well. You're a fantastic friend.