Please help. DH wants a divorce

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I can't stop crying. Things had been shaky but I made a huge effort and I thought things were back on track. We had been to Relate, he had cut back on his drinking (source of most of the arguments). He says I make him feel scared to say how he feels in case it causes a fight. That I snap at him.
We have 2 beautiful children, baby is only 5 months old. I can't do this. I'm in pieces.

OP, I haven't been through this but I really do feel for you. I hope others will come along who have good advice for you. I have been following a thread of a lovely MNer who had a horrible shock like this a few months ago - you might find it interesting in terms of how she works through things and the support and advice she receives from others who've been there.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

Good luck xx

Thank you, will have a look x

He's the one drinking and you make him feel scared?

Unfortunately if he's made up his mind there's nothing you can do.

You need to let him see the reality of divorce:

Split time with kids
Seperate homes
New partners and possibly step parents
Financial impact on the family

Don't beg or plead with him to stay. Just focus on gaining strength and looking after the children. You have a 5 month old and unless things have really been terrible and he's been unhappy for a lot longer. I don't understand why he would want a divorce, with such a tiny baby.

Any chance there's another woman involved?

Thank you for your answer. I will try to pull myself together. The worst part is how devastated our 3.5 year old will be, he adores his daddy and loves family time when we're all together. And the baby will grow up never knowing what it's like having both parents living in the same house. Oh god this is not how I saw my life going.
I don't think there's an OW, he wfh so I know where he is all the time!
I just can't believe this is happening

So sorry for your situation. Can I just reassure you that your dcs will be fine. So will you. It will take time. The first year is the hardest but after you have gone passed all of those firsts it gets easier. You don't have to fully forgive him, I never will forgive my ex for what I see as giving up on a lovely family instead of trying to save us, but I have moved on and dcs are fine. As time progresses try and keep everything about the dcs and what is best for them in terms of his and your contact with them. I think that is best advice I can offer. Thinking of you

Thanks Minime, that is good to know. You sound like a strong person, I hope I can be like that! As long as the kids are ok I will be ok too. I can't see myself forgiving DH for this.
This morning he is all, oh I'm not sure, I don't want to break up the family... So what do I do with that? Beg?

Absolutely do not beg. If you want to try then I would set a deadline maybe just in your own head, of things need to be improving by this date or that's it. But is there a way back after what he has said/put you through already? Only you know that answer

I know it sounds really pathetic but I'm desperate not to break up the family. My little boy is so sensitive, it would be dreadful for him.
I guess I just need to figure out where my 'line in the sand' is.
I can't go through this indefinitely

You know what? It's only dreadful for children if their parents make it so. They can adapt quite well as long as their parents keep it civil and uncomplicated. "Daddy's going to live in a different house but nearly everything is going to stay the same".

He drinks. "He says I make him feel scared to say how he feels in case it causes a fight." Big baby! He had plenty of opportunities during your Relate sessions, didn't he?

"This morning he is all, oh I'm not sure, I don't want to break up the family". Well, he's already done that unfortunately. Take him at his word. Make plans with him about how it's going to be both practically with the children and financially. Don't let him yo-yo, it's incredibly cruel of him to do this. And insulting to you. Let him fuck you around once and he'll think he can carry on indefinitely.

I agree with bitter's post. My ex and I are civil and still attend the school events and p evenings etc together. We discuss their behaviour etc. I won't say it's not hard sometimes but you must draw that line and then move on. My dcs don't come from a broken home they have a happy home where they are loved and then they also go and see their dad where they are happy and loved too. More people in their life to love them now. It's about how the parents deal with it.

Bitter thank you. You are right. I'm not usually a shrinking violet type, this just blind sided me a bit. But I can certainly make it ok for the children, and I'm not going to wait around for him to throw another grenade at me.
I've already looked at houses (on rightmove) near my sister. We are in London so at least we can make some dosh on our house, DSis is in the West Country so I can afford to buy a place near her.
DH is now back pedalling like mad, now that he realises what he has to lose. Fuck that

Have there been arguments recently?

Maybe he was saying this for a reaction and to get you to crawl and be super nice and grateful for a while?

Sorry op. Even if he doesn't want to he sounds a bit cruel.

Yes we had a barney at about 3am because 5mo DS is a shit sleeper and I don't have the stomach to do controlled crying. Apparently I am damaging the entire family by not letting him howl. And being tired makes me a useless mum to our 3yo.
But I just can't let a 5 month old baby cry. Am I a wimp? Please be honest

No you're not a wimp - I couldn't let a 5 month baby cry either.

The only good advice I can give (like others have said) is NOT to beg. Crumble inside if you like, but show dignity and strength on the outside, and believe me he start to waiver and question himself, like he is. If you don't do this, he will walk all over you. Good luck x

Sorry your DH is doing this. 5 months is too young for CC. Agree with PPs who say he might be doing this in a manipulative way to "keep you on your toes". Does he do a fair share of childcare, including at night?

Does he have an alcohol problem?

I have managed to force/bully him into doing his fair share of night wakings, after a scary trip in the car when I was so tired, I felt unreal. I just wasn't safe to be driving. So he had to step up, but I still wake and have to wake him, iyswim.
Yes I believe he has a drink problem. He has cut back recently though. Even our Relate counsellor told me to go to al-anon, which I think shocked him. He thought he was normal and I was a party pooper or whatever

If he has a drink problem, "cutting back" might well not help. Going to al anon might still be a good idea, whether or not you split up.

I'm not the best person to comment on controlled crying/cry it out as personally I don't believe in it for any age.

Is he willing to go to counselling again?

I didn't believe in controlled crying, either, until a health visitor told me to do it as I was so exhausted. My son was four or five months old. First night he cried for an hour and my husband went in every five minutes (I was told not to go in.) Second night he cried for forty minutes. The third night he didn't cry at all and from then on he slept really well.

Why don't you get the baby's sleep under control and then, when you're both not so tired, make a decision?

Regardless of what's going on right now, you need to see a solicitor. Find out what your financial situation would be and what might be expected if you do separate or divorce as far as selling up and moving away.

It doesn't mean you have to do a thing. Just that you'll be coming from a position of knowledge if you or he do decide to proceed.

And if you (or he) do, do NOT agree to anything important (i.e. financial) without getting legal advice.

I've already looked at houses (on rightmove) near my sister.

Well done. Stay strong and use all the support you can get from family.

DH is now back pedalling like mad, now that he realises what he has to lose.

Good on you. The minute they realise you aren't begging, they lose the power.

Thank you all for posting. Across I will def talk to a solicitor and I even know which firm to use as a good friend used them.
It feels so surreal. Now he's all back to normal? Like, well I've made my point, now its business as usual. Very hard to feel affection for someone who does that

My ds didn't sleep.exh didn't help but had plenty of opinions on what I was doing wrong.

I now feel that the reason ds didn't sleep was a traumatic birth and the obvious stress I was under through being ground down by my mentally abusive ex.

Not saying your dh is abusive but if there is stress, tension,arguments...babies can pick up on it.

And if it reassures you, I'm now divorced and ds and I are much much happier.

Some people try and control you and force you into keeping your mouth shut by mentioning divorce. They think it's your worse fear and that you will have to overlook their faults.

Sandy, yes my ex did that and also then acted like nothing had happened whilst I was left reeling.