Please help. DH wants a divorce

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I can't stop crying. Things had been shaky but I made a huge effort and I thought things were back on track. We had been to Relate, he had cut back on his drinking (source of most of the arguments). He says I make him feel scared to say how he feels in case it causes a fight. That I snap at him.
We have 2 beautiful children, baby is only 5 months old. I can't do this. I'm in pieces.

Well it's very effective at getting us to STF up isn't it. That and the "I don't know if I love you anymore". It pulls us all up short doesn't it.

Your babies only 5 months, this is a precious time that you won't get back. Try and focus your energy on you and your dc, and enjoying your baby. As for your dh I'd like to think you'll call his bluff, after all he know's that you don't want a divorce, but think very carefully. I had this and although we are very happy now very occasionally I will think how could he say that to me.

OP - it sounds like your H thought he could do some moaning, some threatening, at you so that you, you know, bent over backwards to make his life better! Throw in a few 'divorce' threats to make sure you know that he is not happy and you should be doing more to make him happier!

Unfortunately, you have, in effect, called his bluff (which is what it was) and yes, he now realises that he might actually lose you and the dc. That's why he's back to normal, why he's suddenly decided that he is actaully quite happy thanks, and if he is happy again, so should you be.

Don't let him decide - because he will pull this again. YOU decide.

Some great points here. I knew I could rely on MNers for some clear headed advice!
If this happens again, we will separate. I won't live like this. Fucking hell. My head is wrecked

I can't give anything like the excellent advice that has been given on why he's behaving as he is.

I know Youve expressed concerns about how your older one would cope, my now dh split with his ex when their ds was nearly 4 years old and also quite sensitive. He turns 18 this week and all the family, dh and my family, his mums and stepdads are all attending a lovely meal, we've done a joint present with his mum and dh and his ex have co-parented very well throughout the years. Nothing has gone to court other than dh formally getting parental responsibility. As someone unthread said earlier their children don't come from a broken home, they have a loving home. DSS has always said he's extremely lucky to have two homes. I guess what I'm trying to show is it doesn't always have to be adversarial and co-parenting can be done with brilliant results for all involved.

Sandy, yes my ex did that and also then acted like nothing had happened whilst I was left reeling.

Exactly.

It's designed to make you bow down and accept the status quo.

This happened repeatedly to my brother and one day when his Ex said it, he said fine, I'll start looking for a flat tomorrow.

He's divorced and remarried and she is full of regret.

The kids love their stepmum and get on so well with her.

Never be afraid of pursuing a better life for yourself.

Ratbag that is really good to hear. At the time I was in such a state I could only see the worst case scenario of devastated child and dysfunctional family etc. My poor babies. Anyway they have me. As my ace mum said, if you're ok, the children will be ok. So I will make it my business to be ok no matter what. But fuck this game playing. Any more and I'm off. I'm getting really angry now

I am afraid that there is indeed an OW, but this one comes in a bottle.

Sounds like he doesnt actually want to address his drinking and so his "I want a divorce" was to get you to accept his drinking so he doesnt leave you.