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Original poster

New man being a bit flaky

55 replies

JellyBean31 · 18/07/2016 10:24

I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks, I like him but it's very early days. He is separated but not divorced (as am I) and has DC 11 & 12.

His kids come first, obviously, that's exactly as it should be....but last night was the 3rd time he has cancelled on me last minute as something had come up with his kids...I'm understanding as to the reasons, but not happy at being let down so late in the day.

There seems to be no boundaries or routine in the contact he has with them, he sees them at the family home usually but any overnights are at his dad's house where he's staying. His ex will call him & say the kids want to see you, and he drops everything to go round there. I find this very strange (not that he wants to see them but that he doesn't say he has plans) but it's way too early for me to voice any opinion on it to him.

I don't think there is anything going on between him & his ex and as far as I can tell he is into me (seems more so than I am into him) so my question is, do I give him the leeway and be chilled about it, or is this a road to nowhere and I'd be better cutting my losses before developing any real feelings for him?

I like him and enjoy his company so don't really want to call it off, but I don't want to be taken for a mug either.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 18/07/2016 10:30

I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing or makes him a bad person... but it doesn't make him a nice person for you to be in a relationship with .

He's doing right by his kids. Doesn't mean that's compatible with him doing right by you.

mouldycheesefan · 18/07/2016 10:32

It's early days sounds like he is struggling with balancing his commitment to his kids and his social life and if he is living with his own dad presumably there has been a lot of change recently. I would give it a few more weeks. See if it continues and if it starts to cheese you off.

ravenmum · 18/07/2016 10:41

Does sound like he's struggling. It might "just" be because he has to work through a new, complicated, emotional situation - but I wonder if he's really ready to be in a relationship yet? Maybe he needs to get settled down in a new routine first?

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 18/07/2016 10:50

He is a good bloke and I know he feels guilty for leaving so that probably plays a big part in his behaviour but he's been separated since November so I would've expected them to settle into some routine by now.

His kids are going abroad with their mum in a few weeks so I might see how things pan out till then, and see if things change while they are away.

OP posts:
Summerlovinf · 18/07/2016 10:50

A lot of men seem to agree to a flexible arrangement for contact thinking that it will be easy and suit everyone. In fact, it makes things much more difficult, especially if there is a new partner and other kids. Tell you partner you understand that his kids come first but that you need to be able to arrange your time too. Let him deal with setting up a timetable for regular contact... I would prob let him go if he can't or won't do that.

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 18/07/2016 10:51

raven I wonder if he's ready to be in a relationship yet too but when I've said that he is certain he is.

OP posts:
Summerlovinf · 18/07/2016 10:53

If he only split in November it's early days. You might find you are the 'rebound' and he is not ready to commit to something new

HarmlessChap · 18/07/2016 11:11

He's also probably worried that if he doesn't drop everything when they want to see him, they will feel less important than his new lady. It must be very hard going from your children being a part of your children's daily life to bits here and there.

It must be difficult for you to deal with and it would be easy for you to resent, but hopefully as your relationship progresses then you can be a part of his life with both sets of kids involved too.

TheNaze73 · 18/07/2016 11:13

He only seperated in November, which is no time at all & is putting his kids first. I think if you remove yourself from the equation & read this post as if somebody else had posted it, you'll see the wood for the trees

Toffeelatteplease · 18/07/2016 11:40

I often think a flexible arrangement is far better for the kids but shocking for the adults.

I definitely wouldn't want him to change it in the slightest. But I'm not sure I could live with it

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 18/07/2016 11:58

That's it exactly toffee, absolutely his kids come first and it's all very new so I get that I don't feature high on his list of priorities, I just don't know if I can live with it. My kids are late teens and I've been seperated 12 months longer, they live with their dad and we have a very set routine.

OP posts:
TrippyMcTrapFace · 18/07/2016 14:13

This is a toughie on both sides, but if he wants someone new in his life this is something he needs to fix.

3 cancellations in 6 weeks is quite a lot, IMO.
How many times have you actually seen each other? Are you going out on actual dates or is it a case of him coming round to yours?

I'm assuming you're both still free to date other people, you definitely don't want all your eggs in this basket at this point OP.

You have to decide what you can handle. This would drive me mad. My time is valuable and being cancelled on last minute is annoying. You may be more tolerant though. Grin

ravenmum · 18/07/2016 14:19

This early in the relationship, for me he'd have to be an amazingly good catch to stay. Cancelling last minute is just not polite. He might think he's ready for a relationship, but practically speaking, he hasn't got the logistics sorted out, has he? Give him the tip that he needs to get things organised, and give him the free time he needs to do so by stepping politely off that train.

princessmi12 · 18/07/2016 14:37

He is a good bloke and I know he feels guilty for leaving so that probably plays a big part in his behaviour
Are you sure he's the one who decided to leave or he's been shown the door? Judging by him living with his father he didn't planned for the separation ...
Men usually minimise or lie about reasons for separations.
Just leading to the point that he might not be ready to date as yet or might not be really nice bloke you think he is.

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 18/07/2016 15:08

princess I believe he chose to leave but obviously I only have his side of the story, his ex has someone new but he lives overseas. Again as it's new I don't want to sit him down & interrogate him on his marriage so I'm gleaning bits of info & asking questions as we go along. He seems a nice bloke, Im usually quite a good
at sussing people out but I'm not foolproof

trippy we have been on a few dates but more often he comes to my house... It's more of a timing issue though than the feeling that he's avoiding being out with me, I only have 3 free nights a week and if it's mid week when I have to get up for work the next day, it's more relaxing staying in, so that one's down to me too!
I have come off the OLD site but not because I'm putting all my eggs etc, it's just a personal thing that I can't concentrate on more than 1 bloke at a time and it ends up being a not very enjoyable experience with any of them (I have tried, but think I'm a bit old skool)

raven not sure he is a great catch but tbh he's the first person I've met in nearly 2 years that I feel I can relax & be myself with so I'm wanted to see how things panned out

OP posts:
ChicRock · 18/07/2016 15:20

It sounds more of a fwb type thing than the beginnings of a new relationship tbh. A few dates but it's quickly progressed to more often than not staying in at yours, and last minute cancellations. Doesn't sound like much effort is expected from him.

Meh, I guess it depends on how many spare evenings you'd like to waste wondering if he'll cancel your plans again. I'd get back online if I were you.

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 18/07/2016 16:04

chic definitely not a FWB, I've had them in the past I know the difference. We text every day & there is the beginning of "feelings", every FWB thread on here is met with a resounding "no" to all contact other than making arrangements and it's more than that. He's said he's told his sisters about me and they want to meet me, so it's not like he sees me as a dirty little secret. He picked me & my friend up from a night out one time & collected me from the train station after I'd been travelling for work last week, neither time did he come in & expect anything in return, so (as far as I can be) I'm pretty sure it's not just a sex thing for him either.

But......I don't have loads of free time to waste so the last minute cancellations are an issue. I have lots of friends and could probably make other arrangements if something crops up with his kids, but rarely at such short notice

OP posts:
adora1 · 18/07/2016 16:13

I'd be mighty peed off at being cancelled on 3 TIMES last minute, sorry but I think that shows a fundamental lack of respect for you, regardless of his child care issues and if it's like that now, imagine being in a LTR, he will be dropping you and running every time she calls - no thanks, he's done enough to put me off seeing him again, I'd not get involved with someone so unreliable.

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 18/07/2016 16:40

That's my dilemma adora it's not child care issues as such more that they decide they want to see him at short notice and he can't say "no".

I think I'll see how he is over the summer while they're away it could be that it's him that is unreliable and the DC are a smoke screen in which case I'll chalk it up to experience & move on. If things are all OK while they aren't here then we will need to have a conversation about how he deals with it moving forward.

We are supposed to be having lunch tomorrow and he has re-arranged some family thing as I said I'm not shovelling a butty down my throat so you can run off, so (if it happens at all) that shows a bit of understanding on his part - though I did have to spell it out to him Hmm

OP posts:
adora1 · 18/07/2016 16:43

Sounds a bit too much hard work for the early days of a relationship but by all means give him another chance but I think you do need to tell him he can't just let you down last minute again, he's not showing himself in a very good light so far.

HandyWoman · 18/07/2016 17:19

As a single working mum my free time is like flipping gold dust. I just couldn't date someone who tended to cancel at the last minute. It would give me the Angry

His approach to contact is weird, each to their own, and all that, fair enough. But it isn't compatible with a relationship with someone whose time is precious.

I suspect there may be other ways in which he is flaky. Or perhaps guilt is getting in the way of a more adult approach to prioritising. In which case he isn't ready to start a new relationship. I think your instincts are spot on, OP.

I would see how it goes but wouldn't let myself get carried away, emotionally, keep it light til you can guage some more.

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/07/2016 17:37

Why doesn't he have a contact arrangement/routine in place? It sounds really chaotic.

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 18/07/2016 17:59

He works shifts on a 3 week pattern, she works some evenings so I think it's been convenient to swap & change as and when it suits them both. He's looking to change jobs tho to one with more regular hours.

But it seems a bizarre arrangement and wouldn't suit me at all.

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 18/07/2016 18:22

Sounds tricky, can sympathise (I know what that's like, coordinating shifts and ex and his work plus kids) but it isn't impossible. It just requires effort.

But surely they don't leave it til the last minute to cover work commitments??? Do they??

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 18/07/2016 19:08

No handy the last minute things have been "DS wants to stay with you tonight and as you're taking him to football in the morning it makes sense" so a Friday nights plans were cancelled. Last night it was "it's dds bday this week and she's decided she wants an early celebration so come round in half an hour"

It's hard to argue with any of the rationale or him going along with it... It's just a bit annoying

OP posts: