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Original poster

New man being a bit flaky

55 replies

JellyBean31 · 18/07/2016 10:24

I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks, I like him but it's very early days. He is separated but not divorced (as am I) and has DC 11 & 12.

His kids come first, obviously, that's exactly as it should be....but last night was the 3rd time he has cancelled on me last minute as something had come up with his kids...I'm understanding as to the reasons, but not happy at being let down so late in the day.

There seems to be no boundaries or routine in the contact he has with them, he sees them at the family home usually but any overnights are at his dad's house where he's staying. His ex will call him & say the kids want to see you, and he drops everything to go round there. I find this very strange (not that he wants to see them but that he doesn't say he has plans) but it's way too early for me to voice any opinion on it to him.

I don't think there is anything going on between him & his ex and as far as I can tell he is into me (seems more so than I am into him) so my question is, do I give him the leeway and be chilled about it, or is this a road to nowhere and I'd be better cutting my losses before developing any real feelings for him?

I like him and enjoy his company so don't really want to call it off, but I don't want to be taken for a mug either.

OP posts:
TrippyMcTrapFace · 19/07/2016 18:00

I see you were going out with him today, did you talk to him about this?

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 19/07/2016 21:41

Haha... Wouldn't you know it... Let me down again.

I told him how pissed off I was and called it off !!!... Cue messages at 20 minute intervals telling me how sorry he is and how much he likes me, I was in work and had to tell him to stop, it was distracting.

We've messaged a bit since I got home, he really thought I was that chilled I wasn't really bothered so it's come as a bit of a shock that I was fuming with him. I am confused what to do now as I do like him and like I said he's the first guy I've liked in nearly 2 years.

OP posts:
TrippyMcTrapFace · 19/07/2016 23:05

Sorry to read your update jellybean

I wouldn't give him another chance. He's cancelled on you 4 times in 6 weeks of dating. At this point I wouldn't care what his excuse is, kids or whatever. But that's me. If you do decide to give him another chance he needs to show you that he's not going to cancel on you again, that he respects your free time and that he's got his contact with the kids sorted out. Do you think he'll be able to do that? He and his ex seem quite happy with a very laid back contact schedule,.

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 20/07/2016 07:14

I've left that I am giving him another chance but that the ball is very much in his court to show me he can show me more consideration & respect my free time. I wasn't expecting to see him after today anyway as he has his DC 24/7 for a week till they go on holiday, so I'll just have to see how it goes. I'm definitely taking a slight step back tho!

The thing is that after a 20+yr EA relationship, I just don't trust my own judgement. If I think I'm being messed around my go to reaction is to just walk away but I recognise that I'm not always being fair to the other person in doing this. I've woken up feeling a bit meh about it all if I'm honest so I'm not sure if that means I'm kind of over it already Confused

I guess I'll just see how (if) he steps up

OP posts:
princessmi12 · 20/07/2016 09:06

I think it's reasonable to give him one last chance
Aa you said OP he was oblivious to the fact you are not happy with dynamics.
Now he's fully aware and hopefully will act accordingly

ChicRock · 20/07/2016 11:13

he really thought I was that chilled I wasn't really bothered

Regardless of how 'chilled' he thought you were, cancelling last minute, 4 times in 6 weeks, is plain rude, bad manners.

ChicRock · 20/07/2016 11:20

This man has no baseline of good behaviour, he'll behave and treat you however badly he thinks you're 'chilled' enough to put up with.

Not a good sign.

Summerlovinf · 20/07/2016 12:31

Trust your gut feeling on this one. He's messing you about.

Dutchcourage · 20/07/2016 12:40

Op, he is messing your about.

Don't keep giving him another chance. He pushes it to the limit then reeks you back in when he knows your about to jump.

Go back and read your posts and see the pattern.

Action speaks louder than words Snd words are cheap are my favourite sayings because they are true.

If he was mad in you he would be making sure he seen you - and not just at your house. Where it's cheap and convienent.

I've played this dance before so can see it a mile off Flowers

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 20/07/2016 13:32

Aaargghhh..... I don't want you all to be right about him messing me about -but i suspect you are-

I'm not going to keep giving him more & more chances (I've been there done that too) and I'm not overly emotionally invested, I like him but can walk away. I'll be disappointed but not heartbroken.

But i am giving him this one chance, once his kids are away I can get the measure of whether it is a character flaw or he really is a good bloke whose had too much on his plate recently. I hope it's the latter. We'll see eh!

OP posts:
Original poster
JellyBean31 · 20/07/2016 13:36

Confused strike through fail

OP posts:
Mummydummy · 20/07/2016 19:14

Hey Jellybean

I would definitely be pissed off about 3 last minute cancellations - your time is precious too. If it were me I would say something about understanding the need to do right by his kids, indeed that you wouldn't respect him if his kids didnt come first, but saying that in your busy life it matters if arrangements do get called off at the last minute when you cant make other plans. And perhaps ask what can be done to avoid it? So the ball is in his court.

I have not been cancelled but have a similar issue with a guy I am seeing. He's not as recently separated but he seems to have a very irregular pattern where his ex basically calls him whenever she feels like it. Including ringing him to tell him each weekend morning when he is being summoned. It seems to give her a lot of power and he is so keen to see his kids that he accepts it without pause.

I personally think after my 9 years of divorce a regular pattern is beneficial both for the kids and parents. Children deserve to know whats going to happen it gives them security and routine, the plans can be varied when necessary but having the framework is valuable till they are old enough to make up there own minds (teens). But I've not said this to him as I feel he would resent the intrusion. If it were to continue and got in the way of our relationship progressing (and that was what I wanted) I would say something. In the mean time, its early days and with the stress of separation and his need to be a good Dad, I'm not adding to his pressures. I want to be the release from them for now at least!

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 20/07/2016 20:01

Thanks for sharing mummy we've been messaging this evening and I've said I'm not going to suggest when we next meet its up to him to tell me when he's definitely going to be free. So we fixed on Sunday, afternoon if his son has no football and evening if he does... I asked if there was any chance he'd be asked to have his kids
last minute as he's due to have them on Monday anyway, but he's certain help be free no has promised not to let me down again. He really does know it's last chance saloon!

Then (after me saying it's up to him to suggest arrangements) in a fit of madness brought on by early evening sunshine I asked if he wanted to meet for an early drink if it's sunny tomorrow (I have an evening job that starts at 8pm) and he's said ok, so it'll be a chance to chat about it face to face presuming he shows of course

OP posts:
Summerlovinf · 20/07/2016 20:20

Your 'fixed' arrangement still involved you waiting to see what happens w kids. Why didn't you say to make it Sunday eve when he could definitely make it?

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 20/07/2016 20:24

Because there's a local free music festival on so if he's free in the afternoon I want to go!

OP posts:
toadgirl · 20/07/2016 20:24

Something I've learned the hard way:-

Look at what men DO, not what they SAY

All the nice texts or conversations in the world mean nothing if it's not backed up with action. Action can be as simple as just turning up when they say they will.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/07/2016 20:35

What he's doing is NOT wrong. But neither is you deciding that you want something more in a relationship.

Lelloteddy · 20/07/2016 20:57

He's not wrong to put his kids first.
You're not wrong to not want to be in a relationship where your plans aren't cancelled at the last minute.

Neither of you are wrong but I think this all sounds as if it's incredibly hard work.
Perhaps have a look at the step parenting board on here? There are all sorts of horror stories of women who enter relationships with men whose relationship with their kids is like this guys, but the women end up bitter about playing second fiddle and resentful of the children. Ultimately this is not a recipe for happy ever after and I really would be thinking about how willing you are to adapt to the idea that his relationship with his children will be his priority so soon after his separation.

Mummydummy · 20/07/2016 21:17

Well Jelly, if it were me I'd probably gone off in a grump by now. But I would be very firm about last chance saloon and in a way, think how you'd feel if this pattern continued for 6 months. You'd feel really pissed off that you'd sacrificed your time entirely to fit around him.

Gotta say I'm slightly unimpressed by the ex wives who use the husbands desperation to see their kids in this way. Men deprived of their kids really suffer and it looks to me like controlling behaviour.

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 20/07/2016 21:17

I have no issue with his kids coming first, my kids do too but they're older and we have a fixed routine. I would never make arrangements on the nights they stay over so it's more about the lack of routine.

As for step parenting..... Way way too soon to even be thinking anywhere near that level.

Yes his actions will speak louder than anything he's said so far. I think he realises that now.

OP posts:
ApocalypseSlough · 20/07/2016 21:21

He sounds like a good man trying to do the best by his dcs, and it's maybe too early for him to be dating. What he's like when they're away will prove whether he's a good 'un.

Dutchcourage · 21/07/2016 08:28

Do you actually know he has his kids? Some men use them as an excuse.

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 21/07/2016 10:44

Yes he definitely has kids...Do men really do that? pretend to have children so they can mess a woman around.

OP posts:
CalmItKermitt · 21/07/2016 11:02

Too much like hard work! Move on.

Lelloteddy · 21/07/2016 11:03

But Jelly my point is that all of those dysfunctional relationships that women on the step parenting board are bitching about had to start somewhere. And I'll bet my bottom dollar that in the sort of issues that you describe where present early on, the resentment of the time spent with children was there early in but the adults chose to plough on regardless and months or years later, there are numerous children caught up in crappy situations that they have no say over.