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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend suddenly disappeared :(

65 replies

amypie86 · 06/07/2016 16:05

Me and my boyfriend had only been together for a couple of months, but it felt totally different to anything I'd had before. He said he loved me after probably a week, and I genuinely feel like I'm in love with him. We had discussed a future in detail and I felt so happy with him.

It was my birthday recently, and he said we were going out for a meal in the evening and we had planned to go away for the weekend (all his idea). A few days before my birthday he seemed to suddenly go cold on me so I asked him if he's ok, he said he was fine and just busy at work. He also said he now had to work on my birthday and couldn't get out of it, I was fine with it and didn't make a fuss. He had actually made a joke last time I saw him about not speaking to me while my birthday blows over.

Then my actual birthday arrived, he text me saying happy birthday, didn't say he loved me or anything and then he has ignored every text I've sent him since. I text him asking if we were still going away as I needed to know and he ignored that too. That was nearly two weeks ago. I've only text him twice because I'm not going to chase him, but it's hurt like hell for him to just disappear after saying how in love he is.

I feel like I'm not getting over it, and keep questioning all the reasons why he may have done this. Today I'm having a bad day and can't stop thinking about it :( has this happened to anyone else? I keep wanting to text him asking if I've done something to offend him hoping I can fix it, or ask him what's happened but I don't think it will make me feel any better.

OP posts:

Wooftweetwooftweet · 06/07/2016 16:09

Call him. Leave a voicemail if he doesn't answer. Can you tell if he's active online or anything?

LineyReborn · 06/07/2016 16:10

I've seen it happen to few posters on MN. It must be bloody horrible to experience.

Do you not want to ring him or go round to check he's ok, on the off-chance he's ill and not a total wanker?

Vagabond · 06/07/2016 16:11

You've been ghosted, my dear. It sucks. I'm sorry for you. Google "ghosting"

Ghosting peeps are cowards and just can't deal with breaking up with you. Flowers and hand holds for you x

Paulat2112 · 06/07/2016 16:13

Can you whatsapp him or similar to see if he has read the message? I would be worried something had happened possibly but if you know he is okay then he is just being a total bellend and you shouldn't waste any more time or thoughts on him

loobyloo1234 · 06/07/2016 16:18

Yup I'm with Vagabond - he has ghosted you darling. Sucks. Dust yourself down, move on and thank your lucky stars that he's done this now and not a year down the line. He's clearly an immature little fuckwit chump

Original poster

amypie86 · 06/07/2016 16:23

He's definitely alive. I've seen him online so nothing terrible has happened to him. He's probably the first person I've met who I genuinely thought was decent, he's the last person I would expect to hurt me and the way he's done it seems to hurt more than other breakups. Thanks for your replies, I guess compared to what some people are going through on here I should be grateful it's now rather than in years to come

OP posts:

FreckledLeopard · 06/07/2016 16:28

Christ. What a complete bastard. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't know how you'd process something like that. It just seems so unnecessarily cruel.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/07/2016 16:28

I should be grateful it's now rather than in years to come
Yes indeed but it doesn't make the rejection hurt any less.

He's a twat.
That's all you need to understand.
Block him on everything.
You have to cut him out totally.
Stop dwelling.
Get out there and enjoy your life!

Minime85 · 06/07/2016 16:31

I had to check this wasn't a zombie thread once I started to read it as remember reading exactly the same on here before. I met someone on line who did similar in run up to my birthday too then a month or so after started to text again. I would just go NC it will be easier that way. What hurts is you have treated him how you want to be treated and unfortunately not everyone does the same.

happypoobum · 06/07/2016 16:38

So sorry but please block him and move on. Chalk it up to experience.

Sit on your hands, do whatever you have to, but do not contact him!

BeckyMcDonald · 06/07/2016 16:39

I got ghosted on Valentine's Day about 10 years ago in very similar circumstances to you. The guy who did it was a complete twat, with hindsight.

Don't demean yourself anymore. If he can't see your aceness then that's his problem. Try to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and hold your head up high. And if he gets back in contact when he fancies a shag as though nothing has happened, because they usually do eventually, DON'T REPLY.

thisisafakename · 06/07/2016 16:39

he sounds like a twat. I know it suck now, but you are genuinely better off without him. I would have slight warning bells too if someone said they loved me after just a week- it sounds like he can turn his emotions on and off like a tap. He is clearly a massive coward for just ignoring you.

toadgirl · 06/07/2016 16:40

How incredibly hurtful for you

Just take some comfort in the fact he would have made a rotten life partner, if this is how he deals with people. A coward to boot.

Don't waste another second of your life on this undeserving tosser. Don't try and contact him again. At this point, you'd just be feeding the idiot's ego.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on to better things.

Original poster

amypie86 · 06/07/2016 16:40

I've heard of the term ghosting but I thought that was more likely when you've just been on a few dates. This guy said he was my boyfriend and we had even met the parents! Last time I saw him he was talking about our future children I have managed to fight the urge to contact him again and I'll carry on doing so. I also find it weird he's not deleted me off Facebook if he wants to disappear on me. Part of me wants him to get back in touch but in reality even if he did I'd probably just spend my days worrying he's going to bugger off again.

OP posts:

ParadiseCity · 06/07/2016 16:40

This is how my first boyfriend broke up with me 22 years ago! Fucking bastard. If he works in a paint shop, let me know! Twat.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/07/2016 16:42

Cut him off completely, he sounds very callous and full of bullshit quite frankly. What a nasty person.

If he tries to contact you in the future, avoid, avoid, avoid.

Hope you're ok, remember none of this is your fault and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

pocketsaviour · 06/07/2016 16:44

He said he loved me after probably a week

I agree with fakename that this is quite off-putting. I would probably assume that either a) he's quite immature and the type who gets carried away with the "buzz" of a new romance, and therefore likely to move on quickly, or (less charitably) that b) he thinks saying "I luv you" is a shortcut into a woman's knickers.

Ghosting sucks and he's a coward. Block him on everything and on to the next!

Becky546 · 06/07/2016 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAreEternal · 06/07/2016 16:46

Just a thought but could it be that he was struggling to find the money to pay for the weekend away and/or a birthday gift for you and was too embarrassed to say anything?

I have a friend who had the same thing happen, eventually after a few weeks he got in touch with some crap excuse but eventually confessed the real reason.

toadgirl · 06/07/2016 16:53

Sounds like "Blowtorching" if you Google that.

Men often come on really strong, do all the stuff that makes you think your relationship is going somewhere, have a bit of fun....then....POOF!....they're gone.

I used to take men at face-value and was always getting burned. It's hard to understand if you don't play mind-games yourself. I sometimes felt uncomfortable at the speed some guys wanted to move things along, but then put it down to them being "so in love" with me. Should have listened to the feeling in my gut first.

The secret to not getting blowtorched is for you to set the pace. Refuse to be rushed along into "I love yous" and "meeting the parents". Slo-o-o-o-o-w the whole thing down to a pace you are happy with. If he keeps pushing, he's not the one for you.

Better luck next time, and there WILL be a next time, by which time Mr Tosspants will be a distant memory

2nds · 06/07/2016 16:53

Fuck knows how true this article is but here it is anyway www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a51249/why-did-he-ghost-me/

Minime85 · 06/07/2016 16:54

Don't wait for him to delete you, delete him! Even if genuine money worry or something as someone else suggested how could you trust, as you say, he won't do it again.

You'll be fine. I remember feelings so foolish and crying and with the lad I was seeing I knew it wouldn't go anywhere long term I wa shuts so cross and upset at way he had slowly taken a step back and then made me say right that's it then.

DoubleNegativePanda · 06/07/2016 16:54

I'm sorry this happened to you Amy. I was recently ghosted as well. Had been with him for about six months and noticed he was untagging himself from photos on facebook. I asked him if he'd rather not be tagged on facebook (which I'd be ok with, some people find it an invasion of privacy) but he said no that wasn't it. His family is very traditional Gabonese, and apparently his parents felt that I am far too white and wished that if we were not married, he would keep our relationship on the down-low. I objected to this, as I refuse to be a secret girlfriend. He said yes, he felt that way too and he wouldn't do that to me as he loved me and he didn't care about color.

Then I never heard from him again.

These ones are bastards. We are well-shot.

UnGoogleable · 06/07/2016 16:55

Oh love, I'm so sorry.

Sometimes people are just totally gutless - he wanted to end it for whatever reason and didn't have the guts to tell you - so he's just disappeared.

The fact that you can see he's online or on FB or whatever proves that there is no possible reason for him not getting in touch other than that he doesn't want to. Don't contact him again, try to be strong and dignified.

It's shitty, but in a couple of weeks you'll be through the other side - I promise you'll feel better. If you're able to, try flirting with a few new guys to take your mind off him. for you.

DoubleNegativePanda · 06/07/2016 16:56

I also found it odd that mine didn't delete me from facebook. I deleted him after about three weeks as if he's waiting for me to beg him, he's waiting for the wrong woman. Fuck that. I'm much happier on my own that dealing with bullshit of that magnitude.

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