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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

totally didn't go how I imagined it!

74 replies

usernoidea · 30/06/2016 15:20

Will keep this short-my partner of -18months proposed to me last night. Or sort of......!
He's such an amazing lovely person, have never had a boyfriend hAlf as brilliant As him but I did think that if I was ever to be proposed to it would be a little more than what happened last night
He told me he got me a present, said it was a pre engagement ring and then thrust the box into my hand
All very cold with no eye contact
I said if you're asking me to marry you I'd like you to ask me . He awkwardly asked me and said put it on whichever finger it's supposed to go on! I asked if he'd asked my mums permission (my dAd died a few weeks ago) and he said no of course not , no one does that nowadays. I said it would mean a lot to me if you spoke to my mum and pretty much since then he's been so quiet and distant and has told me "just to forget the whole thing ever happened"!
Tactics from now please? ! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
usernoidea · 30/06/2016 15:21

Sorry typo, my dad died a few years ago, not weeks

OP posts:
MummyTheTramEngine · 30/06/2016 15:24

I think you've hurt him by being funny with him. Life isn't like the films and you've made it clear that you're disappointed with his way of proposing. I think you were harsh and should apologise.

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/06/2016 15:25

Tactics.. Pack a bag?!

I guess it depends on the kind of guy he normally is. Does he struggle with expressing his emotions? Had you discussed marriage before?

OhNoNotMyBaby · 30/06/2016 15:27

Do you want to marry him or not? You sound more het up about the proposal than whether or not you want to spend your life with this man.

If you do want to, arrange a romantic dinner with soft music, dim lights, sexy dress, ie the works, and then hint strongly at the fact that if he were to repeat himself the answer might be favourable. I think he deserves a bit of pampering tbh as your response sounds less than enthusiastic...

mouldycheesefan · 30/06/2016 15:28

He sounds nervous but lovely. It wasn't a Richard Curtis moment but so what. Telling him to ask your mum is bizarre.
I think you ruined the moment a bit, he was nervous but you basically made him feel his proposal was rejected as he hadn't' done it right.' Are you wearing the ring?
What is a pre engagement? 🤔

MadHattersWineParty · 30/06/2016 15:28

So is it a yes or a no?!! Does he have to do it all again?

WellErrr · 30/06/2016 15:29

I think he was nervous and you've hurt his feelings. Sorry.

JustSpeakSense · 30/06/2016 15:31

I think your expectations were too high, real life is not like the movies. He was nervous, he did his best. Do you want to marry him or not?

Rhubardandcustard · 30/06/2016 15:34

Are you sure it was actually a proposal? Sounds to me like he wanted to give you something to say he was committed but not an actual engagement ring / proposal.

Not sure he will ask now as you've probably put him off. No one I know asks their parents permission that's very outdated now since women's lib took off. You're an adult you don't need to ask your parents permission to do anything.

Obliviated · 30/06/2016 15:38

It doesn't actually sound like he was proposing to you, and you kind of pushed him into it.

WannaBe · 30/06/2016 15:38

You sound like a petulant child.

As for him asking your mum's permission wtf?

KittyLaRoux · 30/06/2016 15:42

Unless you had already discussed your "perfect propsal" with him how was he supposed to know what you wanted or to ask your mum Confused

I think you need to apologise to him.

Congratulation too Smile

Ilovetorrentialrain · 30/06/2016 15:42

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him to the exclsion of all others? In sickness & in health? If so - go and talk to him, apologise and then celebrate your engagement.

If not, then this has probably prompted another conversation.

As Rhubardandcustard has said - was it actually a real proposal?

Ilovetorrentialrain · 30/06/2016 15:43

Did you say yes or no by the way?!

deepdarkwood · 30/06/2016 15:45

I think some women people build up the proposal until it becomes this big 'thing' - and then when the real thing comes along it's never as romantic as they were expected. Dh proposed 'beautifully' (on a deserted beach at sunset, on one knee, took me straight to a nearby stall to buy a toe ring ;-) - but I remember feeling a bit disappointed he didn't then order a big bottle of champagne from the bar (we had some lovely G&Ts instead) - I had to give myself a little shake and remember what was important. And that nothing had stopped me ordering the champagne myself!

We had been together for over 10 years, and dh was still very, very nervous - I suspect your bloke was just bricking it, which would explain the eye contact thing/'whatever finger' stuff.

Assuming that you DO want to marry him, and this was just him being a bit pants/nervous, I think you need to do a bit of woo-ing back - I'd agree with others that I would organise a lovely meal, maybe get HIM a token of YOUR love, tell him you over-reacted in the heat of the moment, and reacted all wrong. That you can't wait to spend the rest of your life with him. Ask him what he's imaging you guys do next, talk about what you want.

Fwiw, if dh had asked my parents first he would have been DEAD - it would have been a clear indication he didn't know me at all (& tbh, my dad would have been a bit unimpressed too!)

hippiedays · 30/06/2016 15:45

The poor guy.........being berated for being normal.

I think you need to apologise and if you do want to marry him, try to be enthusiastic.

BaskingTrout · 30/06/2016 15:45

agree with others, if it had been the other way around and you had plucked up the courage to ask him, imagine how you would feel to be told "ask my mum" rather than giving him an answer. if it was me, i'd be feeling pretty hurt.

FWIW I kept accidentally sabotaging DH's plans to ask me, to the point where he got so exasperated he just thrust a box with a ring in it at me while he was in his work shirt, pants and socks getting ready for bed one night and he had his toothbrush in the other hand! not exactly romantic, but that's real life.

ALaughAMinute · 30/06/2016 15:45

What did he mean when he said it was a pre engagement ring? Does he want to marry you or not? I think you should ask him.

I think asking your mums permission would be a bit weird. How old are you?

bakeoffcake · 30/06/2016 15:46

My lovely DH proposed to me in a lay by.Hmm

It wasn't what I'd dreamt of but there are more important things in life. We've been happily married for 27 years.

sparechange · 30/06/2016 15:46

Well you totally ruined that moment. Poor guy!

You want him to ask your mum's permission?
You are an adult deciding on the rest of your life, not a 6 year old going on a play date

If you don't trust yourself to be able to make decisions without mummy, perhaps you shouldn't be getting married

LordoftheTits · 30/06/2016 15:47

Could he have just been nervous? Maybe that's why he seemed cold and awkward?

As for asking a parent's permission, I'm not sure how many people do that anyway. DH didn't ask my dad's permission and I'm glad as I'd have been furious if he had. I'm not my dad's to "give away", getting married was a decision that we made as we moved forward in our life together.

Lunar1 · 30/06/2016 15:48

Tactics? If you are worrying about a strategy then it's probably for the best never to mention it again. You sound like you ruined it to be honest, is he normally nervous?

topcat2014 · 30/06/2016 15:50

I sat through a meal with the engagement ring in my top pocket - but it wasn't the right time - waitresses rushing past etc.

The next day I proposed on the beach.

The answer was (although DW denies it) "yes, but the ring will have to go back"

Then, a few days later, Dfil further punctured the bubble by saying I hadn't asked him - never even thought of that TBH.

Kind of punctured the bubble - but we are still together 12 years on.

Liiinoo · 30/06/2016 15:53

I feel sad for him. He asked , which presumably means he loves you and wants to spend his life with you and you did not say yes. I would be mortified if I was him.

msrisotto · 30/06/2016 15:56

A pre engagement ring??? Please explain wth that is

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