totally didn't go how I imagined it!

[usernoidea]

Will keep this short-my partner of -18months proposed to me last night. Or sort of......!
He's such an amazing lovely person, have never had a boyfriend hAlf as brilliant As him but I did think that if I was ever to be proposed to it would be a little more than what happened last night
He told me he got me a present, said it was a pre engagement ring and then thrust the box into my hand
All very cold with no eye contact
I said if you're asking me to marry you I'd like you to ask me . He awkwardly asked me and said put it on whichever finger it's supposed to go on! I asked if he'd asked my mums permission (my dAd died a few weeks ago) and he said no of course not , no one does that nowadays. I said it would mean a lot to me if you spoke to my mum and pretty much since then he's been so quiet and distant and has told me "just to forget the whole thing ever happened"!
Tactics from now please? !

Goodness me, this thread has hit a few nerves!

So what if you want your future husband to ask your mum? As a pp said, if he knows you he'll know this is important to you. Horses for courses. Tell you what posters, you do it your way and let others do it their way.

As for He was probably a bit overwhelmed with your reaction and outpouring of emotion - can the op get it right here! One minute she's a cold bitch the next she's off-putting because she's too emotional.

As for a 'pre-engagement' ring (wtf??) I'm wondering if he has actually proposed tbh op. PRE engagement, what's that? Or was he putting a ring on your finger to say 'mine' but not actually coming up with the goods? A bit like save the date wedding invites before the actual thing.

I don't think you should apologise at all. You are both dissatisfied by how it went and need to work that out. Nobody was wrong imo.

My DH never proposed, not sure how we got married, we just sort of decided to.

My DD's ex asked our permission and did the whole thing properly, he's long gone. I didn't like being asked, I thought it was strange.

You said he said it was a pre engagement ring. Maybe he wasn't quite ready to propose for whatever reason but wanted to show you he is planning to at some point and this was just a promise ring or something. Mayne he got all shy about it because you assumed he was proposing when he wasn't.

Sorry just re-read that and sounds kinda mean. I didn't mean for it to come across in a mean or rude way

Why on earth do you expect him to ask your mother's permission? How old are you? Sixteen?

Tell you what posters, you do it your way and let others do it their way

But that doesn't extend to the actual dude doing the proposing in this case? Niiiice.

I kind of know how you feel....my fiancée is literally the man of my dreams. I have to pinch myself every day when I look at him and realise we're together. He keeps pretty much all of his emotions hidden though and he's not very romantic or slushy, so I was beyond excited when he kept telling me that one day he would propose and it would be so amazing and unexpected. Long story short....I got pregnant (a good thing!) and his Carribbean, scuba diving proposal was a no go... He was so pissed off, he came into the living room and proposed while I was watching Emmerdale, 4 months before the planned proposal. At the end of the day, I adore him and we're getting married and having a family and that's all that matters.

Well this has been a real eye opener!
I certainly hadn't wanted or needed "permission" from my mum - she loves my partner very much and will be really pleased for us , I just wanted her to feel included - I must stop thinking of others!
We have always been very much a good match and regularly discuss everything - he can be very open and deep for a guy. It's only been this one thing that has ever been our blip!
I'll have another chat tomo - he's apologised for not making more of an effort and being nervous. I reassured him that so would I be if I was to do that! Thanks to those who've been constructive ! For those who don't agree then thanks too - it's made me remember never to be to scathing of someone's personal opinion , even when you don't agree X

Good luck with the chat. And don't worry about the bitchy people on here...some people don't understand the concept of being supportive or offering constructive criticism, they just want to stick their unwanted oar in...I've experienced it first hand! X

Thanks livvy that's nice of you X

I'm really confused about the pre engagement ring thing.

Are you engaged? Pre engaged (whatever that means)? Or just going out together with a nice ring on your finger?

Not a pre-engagement ring, a pre-engagement ring, maybe?

So, not a ring you get before you get engaged, but a ring you get before you go to get the real one?

It's an engagement ring to wear until we buy the "proper" one. It's lovely
I'm almost scared to reply on here because it seems I should be off burning my bra with other women!
Thanks again for the less judgemental responses. I don't agree with some of the replies but I would never ridicule someone else's opinions.......
Have a good day y'all X

It was half arsed. A pre engagement ring? Doesn't want to commit?going against the grain but I would have been gutted

Your situation disturbed a hornets nest op. People can't seem to keep their opinions to themselves when it comes to things like that

Mind you, I was recently at the Taming of the Shrew ballet and couldn't didn't keep my opinions to myself either. Or my voice down.

He sounds as though he was very nervous and a bit embarrassed. It's a big thing putting yourself out there like that and maybe he was worried you would say no. As for asking your mom, again he was probably too embarrassed. If your the sort that needs hearts and flowers to feel loved then maybe he's not right for you. Imo hearts and flowers come from charming men who are not as genuine as those who are less romantic.

Springy did you know about Taming of the Shrew before you went to see the ballet? Hope you didn't put the dancers off with a loud feminist rant!

Hey OP,
Preengagement or engagement, with whichever one it was I think its a crucial moment for the both of you. The main thing here is communication between you two. You probably haven't talked to him about what you may want and obviously he had no clue. I jus think thats all there is to it because given the responses from here, nowadays its not the norm for most of this things. Although it is still upheld by some like yourself and myself. I totally understand your view of him asking your mum first as it is/was a form of blessing and obviously a way for himself to express his intentions for you to your parent.

I would say just have a relaxed conversation with him at the right time and explain why it is important to you. He'll come round
All the best

Op I think some people have given you a really hard time. Of course you're entitled to your own expectations - a marriage proposal is a big deal and hopefully a once in a lifetime event. So take no notice of what anyone says. I'm sure your partner will get it right next time - the main thing is that you know he's the one for you. Fwiw DH asked my father's "permission" AFTER he had proposed to me. Yes of course people still do this - what's the deal? It's more about respecting the family of your future DW and including them, rather than permission as such.
Start as you mean to go on - wishing you all the best!

Yes I knew the Shrew story. I had thought it was no longer performed because it's so horrific. I was therefore hoping for some level of irony - but, no. They played it absolutely straight and even over-egged the gaslighting and abuse. It was more than I could bear and some comments slipped out. Far enough back that I didn't disturb the dancers (plus lots of instrumental to drown out my enraged comments). Revolting, revolting piece.

Fair enough. I just saw the Globe performance and that was bare and horrific but done in a way that illustrated how abhorrent the male attitudes should be found and the devastation felt for Kat at the end was palpable.

Anyway, that was slightly off-topic. OP, how are you feeling about things now?

The theme of the performance (with bells and whistles) is now a criminal offence. I'd expect jeering if we were watching a performance that glorified eg terrorism. This was no different.

As you were.

Just came across the preengagment ring with a colleague lately. Its a nice ring the guy has ready at the proposal and then the girl can pick her own desired ring at a later date. Presuming she has said yet. Think it's a new thing. I hadn't heard about it previously.

So op he went to a lot of trouble to have that ring ready. I feel sorry for him. All that stuff is often just a fantasy and it's the heart that matters.