totally didn't go how I imagined it!

[usernoidea]

Will keep this short-my partner of -18months proposed to me last night. Or sort of......!
He's such an amazing lovely person, have never had a boyfriend hAlf as brilliant As him but I did think that if I was ever to be proposed to it would be a little more than what happened last night
He told me he got me a present, said it was a pre engagement ring and then thrust the box into my hand
All very cold with no eye contact
I said if you're asking me to marry you I'd like you to ask me . He awkwardly asked me and said put it on whichever finger it's supposed to go on! I asked if he'd asked my mums permission (my dAd died a few weeks ago) and he said no of course not , no one does that nowadays. I said it would mean a lot to me if you spoke to my mum and pretty much since then he's been so quiet and distant and has told me "just to forget the whole thing ever happened"!
Tactics from now please? !

Yeah I think he was a bag of nerves and you've hurt his feelings a lot. If you had a script for being proposed to then you should have let him know. Poor bugger.

Christ some of you are pretty cutting.
It's really nice of you who are little less so to reply - thanks. My story was shortened so as not too bore people!
When he asked, of course I said yes and how it would make me the happiest person in the world and how I couldn't imagine being without him and was so excited about being his wife etc. I got very personal and teary etc. I'm not that much of a cold bitch which some of you thought eh?!
It was after the moment had past I asked if my mum knew as she's probably more traditional (and struggling since my dad died) that I thought she might like him to hVe a chat with her. I don't care - I just thought it would be a nice gesture! Never done this before so no idea how to do it ! All of my friends and family have done the old Asking permission stuff I just thought it was the done thing?!
Since I asked that is since he became dejected and defensive. I've reassured him all the things I love about him and how much I'm buzzing to be his wife - just getting virtually nothing back . I've apologised if by asking him if he's spoken to my mum has upset him it was just a personal opinion I had and it's fine if he finds it too archaic etc!

msrisotto I don't know if this is what the OP means by "pre-engagement" ring, but when DH proposed, he did it with a ring that was very nice but quite cheap/costume jewellery because he wanted us to choose the "proper" ring together.

Op but now he has told ypu to forget it happened. Do you still have the ring? Are you pre engaged or engaged or not engaged?

Oh bless 'im... I bet he was a nervous wreck.

I'd have to ask him if we were okay as a starting point. Maybe do something to celebrate your engagement?

If someone asked my parents permission to marry me before asking me id fuck them out the door. I'm not a bit of property tyvm.

Congratulations I guess? Not everyone is very emotional about things, he asked you to marry him and you said yes, now you're complaining about his proposal?

Well that's a better update.
You did make yourself sound cold and harsh.
I've no idea where you go from here.
I think you need to have a good sit down chat with him.

Making a total hash of it and both of you ending up all huffy and confused will make a much better story to tell your children than a picture-perfect proposal. If you can manage to talk about it and laugh about it, then you will be fine.
MrZippy made such a stuttering mess of proposing that I had to threaten violence if he didn't spit it out. When he managed to ask and I said yes, he looked a bit stunned and then said "Hang on, what did you say?". We didn't think about asking my parents, but on our way to tell them, Mr Zippy stopped the car and asked if my dad had a gun. I told him that he had far more than one and poor Mr Zippy went a bit pale! (He is 22 years older than me and was a bit concerned about my parents' reaction but it was fine).

This is the kind of crap that arises from our sexist culture. If two adults want to marry each other then why not discuss it like grown ups instead of turning it into some kind of retrograde sideshow.

Sorry, I'm happy for you but I find proposal culture to be toxic and infantilising.

So he asked, you said yes & said how pleased/excited you were?

Then you asked if he'd asked your mum & that it would mean a lot to you (bit pointless after the asking & accepting is done) & he huffed?

Does he think that by mentioning this that your mum is more importnat than him-ie that you would say no if she didn't "approve"? In which case I can see his point.

He was probably a bit overwhelmed with your reaction and outpouring of emotion. You were critical of him too.
Most men I know can't stand talking about wedding planning.
Did he feel pressured to propose or is he just very reserved with his emotions and uncomfortable talking about his feelings?

Well I would have looked at my partner as if he had three eyes if I had been asked to ask permission to his mum/dad first! (And yes I was to one to ask him, not the other way around too)

So I can see where he is coming from.

The huffing about asking yoour mum is likely down to how you worded things. If you said he needed her 'permission' so had to go and ask her, I can see why he has been put out.

Agree the guy was probably bricking it and most likely he`s been thinking about how it all went wrong all day, when you two kiss and make up you both will be apologising to each other.

I was proposed to whilst driving to my grandfather's funeral. No eye contact, just a "shall we get wed, or not?" (literal quote there). No ring, either. We're still together. Not married, not living together, no DC of our own, but we're together. Conversely, my parents met and married within 6 weeks. Neither can remember who proposed, or even if either of them actually asked the other to marry them. They're also still together.

My oldest friend, meanwhile, was whisked away to Paris by her long-term boyfriend, and she was - understandably - all excited about being proposed to. He essentially did what your boyfriend's done. The whole "yeah, I might like to marry you one day, so I'll give you a ring and call it a pre-engagement/promise to marry you one day ring and hope that you stop nagging me about it!" deal. She couldn't understand what was going on. They got married 5 years later... and were heading for the divorce courts within 19 months. She's now with someone who actually wants to marry her, but she's the one dragging her heels (once bitten and all that), whilst her ex is quite content as a single man with full custody of their child. Who was 7 months old when they separated.

I didn't realise it was so outdated to get father's (parent's) permission. Whilst I realise I don't 'belong' to my father to give away, it's a custom that I know he would very much appreciate, so I don't see the harm in it.
Tbh I can't think why it's proving such a problem for him

Agree the guy was probably bricking it and most likely he`s been thinking about how it all went wrong all day, when you two kiss and make up you both will be apologising to each other.

Well - we can't be expected to know stuff you don't tell us, you know!

Right: I would still go for nice meal option (can't go wrong with nice meal, imho) - but maybe you need to just be honest? "I think I/we maybe miscommunicated a bit over the pre-engagement thing. Can we talk about where you are up to?" I'd want to know: what does HE mean by a pre-engagement - surely, by definition it isn't an engagement - is he huffy because it's suddenly turned into an engagement and he's panicking? If he doesn't mention it, be blunt - "You seem not right since then - can you tell me what's going on?"

Explain why/how you'd like to get your mum on side - and maybe how to tell his parents (I would probably be a bit unimpressed if I proposed to someone and they starting going on about their mum - even thought I can TOTALLY see why it is different and important in your circumstances, it's hardly romantic!)

Y'know. Talk. It's always a good start for any marriage!

Btw, congratulations!

I love that my DH asked my father first. It felt like there was a sense of occasion to it all. and that my DH was brave.

Feel like I'm in Back to the Future. Do men still 'propose'? And as for asking someone's permission I'm even more No wonder some marriages are never partnerships in the true sense of the word. You're all going to tell me next that brides are still 'given away'.

Bless him he sounds very nervous and way out of his comfort zone. He did more than my DH did lol We were laid in bed and just got around to talking about marriage (been together 9yrs and had 4kids by this point) and he sort of said do you fancy it? No romantic gestures or ring etc Just sort of happened lol I'd cut him some slack, I think the fairytale proposals are few and far between in reality

I think you're getting a harder time on here than you should.

If someone proposed to me with the words 'pre-engagement' that would knock the wind out of my sails and I'd have questions. I just wouldn't understand what was happening and need clarification, which wouldn't exactly make for a romantic moment.

I also asked whether my fiance had asked my dad's permission, but that was so I could get an idea of who might already know. When he said that he hadn't asked my Dad, I said 'good, I'm excited to tell my parents'. You probably did annoy him by implying that he'd done it wrong by not asking your mum, it really isn't the done thing anymore unless you're asking the parents to pay for the wedding.

Sit him down and talk to him about it. If you can't do that, you shouldn't be getting married.

Congratulations!

You've had some good advice, I'd also go down the nice meal route, make a bit of an effort with things he likes and that make you both happy, but make it no pressure. Do it as a way of thanking him for his nice gesture and the pre-engagement ring and maybe get him something as a lovely token from you - cufflinks, or something maybe? No TV, no phones, lovely food and wine, and say you were taken aback by what he said but that nothing makes you happier than the idea of the two of you getting married and being together for the rest of your lives.

Ask, gently, what exactly he meant by the ring, I'd assume it was a token to give you at the time with his intention being to then choose you a ring together. But leave it open in case that wasn't what he meant.

As PPs have said, sometimes a funny story (if you can turn it into one by following it with a special evening where you agree you're now engaged) is better than a picture perfect proposal!

My own experiences, when my first husband proposed to me we'd already discussed getting married but were both quite relaxed, he waited till it had snowed one evening, then filled the garden with glass jars (still not sure where he'd got them all) with night lights, asked me to come and look at something in the garden and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Pretty perfect in a Richard Curtis sort of way. He knew not to ask anyone for permission, my Dad would have decked him and I'd have been very unimpressed, it would have shown he didn't know me at all. As it was, my parents were very happy about the whole thing anyway!

But the marriage had little to recommend it, he turned into an arse and we were divorced a couple of shit years later.

I recently got married again and there was no proposal. We'd both done it before, there was no fuss, no candles, no flowery words. But the man, relationship and marriage are totally different and it felt right to quietly, calmly decide that getting married was what we both wanted and felt absolutely right.

In a way I hadn't expected, when people gradually found out we were getting married I spent a lot of time saying no, he didn't ask me and there wasn't a proposal, we decided to do it and have picked a date. People were surprised but they got it!

I'm divorced, in my 30s and if I was going to get married again I wanted a proper discussion about what it meant. Which felt a lot more romantic than following the romcom path of a butt load of fuss and the woman getting little say in the matter.

It sounds like you have a good, solid relationship and both really want to be together. I hope you manage to work things out. As PPs have said, it probably didn't go how either of you had imagined but it's easily salvageable and you just need to talk to each other.

He probably didn't have the first notion what you were blathering about! Ask your ma, ffs? Do you have your own portal to the 18th century, or rent?

Is he "huffy" because what he thought was a proposal is now a "pre-proposal"?

Maybe your "tactic" should be to propose to him.

Op I used to be 100% against a partner asking my parents' permission to ask me to marry him. To my surprise i've done a u-turn. I respect the fact it matters to my old-fashioned parents (and it's not really about permission, more 'are you ok if I do so'). I've seen from my friend's very acrimonious divorce how marriage is about 2 families coming together as much as a couple (we don't live in a vacuum) and I do think it gives a sense if excitement. My brother in law asked my parents and it was wonderful anticipating the proper proposal and knowing how happy she was going to be.

Your dp sounds sulky to be honest. I hate big proposals and the idea that they have to be perfect and romantic. But he's freezing you out rather than communicating what he feels. Has he done that before? It must be getting to the point where it's manipulative because you're trying to communicate how happy you are to him.