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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sulky hubby silent treatment

76 replies

Jellybabey · 27/06/2016 21:41

Hi x
Does anyone else get the sulky silent treatment from DH/partner for days/weeks accompanied by a side of pure nastiness?

Im on day 4 of being completely blanked by my so called husband. This happens every 2 or 3 weeks lately... everythings fine, better than fine, we buzz off eachother, laugh lots, have the same common goals, morals we bloody love eachothers company... then i say a syllable that he doesnt like and thats it...party's over... im a *** then he shuts down, ignores me, sleeps in guest bedroom (as long as there are no guests in there 😀,) he wont eat food ive prepared or even drink a cup of coffee that ive made. Its fuckin weird. Then slowly after a few days he will respond to my cheery "good morning" with a grunt (thats
called progress in my book) then i know the ice is thawing. A few hours or days later we will be 'normal' so long as i have apologised for my 'part' and he gets the opportunity to defend his.
Then we go back to happy, lovely us, planning our future and buzzing off eachother until... yep i say tomaaaato instead of tomatoooo.

I love my DH for all his qualities and he is amazing when hes in a good place i adore him, we literally buzz together so im not leaving him. I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this or has any advice?

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 27/06/2016 21:57

He sounds like hard work and completely abusive and to top it all, you're making his coffee and meals!

My advice, when he goes into one of his childish strops, I'd pretend he wasn't' there, therefore no coffees, no meals or any interaction. I'd then be planning nights out with my friends and getting on with enjoying myself, leaving him to stew in his own self indulgent pitty party.

SandyY2K · 27/06/2016 22:00

Ask him why he's so sulky.

My response would be to stop cooking for him and to reduce communication.

Why do you put up with it?

Myusernameismyusername · 27/06/2016 22:01

Is he depressed? I often want to be entirely alone when I am feeling depressed and struggle with adult (not child) contact. I usually tell people outright if I am struggling but for years my mother would just hound me to talk to her and then I would retreat entirely.

Not saying it's ok, to call names is horrible and mean. But it is odd that it's kind of over nothing in particular. Does he have anything else worrying him lately?

CocktailQueen · 27/06/2016 22:02

So, you're on DAY 4 of being blanked, and this happens every few weeks. WTF? Why would you stay with a useless man child like this??

You wouldn't put up with this behaviour from your friend so why the holy fuck would you put up with it from your husband, who's supposed to love you above all others?

Fuck, no.
Talk to him. Tell him how shitty his behaviour is, and give him an ultimatum. Either he changes, or you're out of there.

Or it'll just get worse. And worse.

He's got you where he wants you. Stop enabling him - if he won't speak to you, then don't do anything for him! Ffs.

SandyY2K · 27/06/2016 22:03

Does he have mental health issues?

People behave like this because you allow them to get away with it and you accept it. It clearly doesn't bother you that much.

It's not normal behaviour. He sounds like he has a disorder.

smilingeyes11 · 27/06/2016 22:41

bloody hell - where is your self respect? Why the hell do you put up with this for one day? Stop prostrating yourself at his feet and letting him treat you like shit and stop pandering to his stupid abusive sulks and get him out of your life.

Only1scoop · 27/06/2016 22:44

What does he say when you ask him about this?

It's really extreme and cruel

Do you feel like you walk on eggshells when he is like this?

It's verging on EA

JellyBean31 · 27/06/2016 22:56

This is absolutely NOT ok. My stbxh used to do thus, that's why he's soon to be an ex. You end up treading on eggshells wondering what will set him off but it doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

I have an amazing talent... I could upset him when I wasn't even there cos he'd have been "thinking" about something I'd said or done 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years previously. I'd go to work and all was ok, come home and be ignored... Meta a proper head fuck and he needs to change or it will end up killing any love you have for him and you leave

Original poster
Jellybabey · 27/06/2016 23:11

Aw girls u have no idea how much it means to me to have u hear care and respond, tears are quite literally falling all over my galaxy (phone... not my universe 😉) really seriously though you are the only people i have left to reach out to, Ive turned my back on my family over their disapproval of my marriage... feeling very sad coz my hubby is totally perfect when hes not down, hes bloody hilarious and honest faithful hard working just amazing i adore him, but right now hes just blanking my very existence i feel worse than invisible. Is he sick? Is this bi polar? If i had an answer i could hekp him help himself? If he was a 24/7 prick i wouldnt be here, but he is usually so lovely. What the hell is this all about?

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 27/06/2016 23:16

He sounds abusive.

What is it you have actually 'done' to trigger these sulks? I'm assuming it's not actually how you pronounce a word?

tatasa · 27/06/2016 23:18

He's a control freak... He'll continue this abusive pattern as long as you keep letting him away with it... Harsh but true.

Mamaka · 27/06/2016 23:19

Why do your family disapprove?
He sounds similar to my h....abusive.

CocktailQueen · 27/06/2016 23:21

Why did your family disapprove? Doesn't sound like bipolar if he's not like this all the time...

Misnomer · 27/06/2016 23:23

It's about controlling you, OP. That's what it is about. He knows that if he's an arse all the time you'd be out of there so he's great sometimes - and it does make it harder to accept that it is abuse. It's confusing. But it is abuse.

OrlandaFuriosa · 27/06/2016 23:25

I got completely fed up with this and told DH not to be such a spoiled child and to come out if the sulks, to grow up.

After a shocked silence and an attempt at a sulk, which I pointed out laughingly to him ( I did a kind of Judy Dench actress impression) , he got so fed up with me taking the adult amused high ground that he gave up,, took a little time, two or three goes, but he did.

SandyY2K · 27/06/2016 23:26

I guess we all have varying levels of tolerance. That's what sulky abusers count on really. Partners who apologise when they've done nothing wrong.

I hope you don't have children who are you being treated like trash. It's annoying to see your parents being trampled on every few weeks.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 27/06/2016 23:48

No-one is a 24/7 prick. If they were they wouldn't have anyone around to take out their problems on.

Original poster
Jellybabey · 27/06/2016 23:59

My family disapprove coz they are controlling. Yey me... from controlling family to controlling hubby. Fuckin genious me. Sorry for language but im totally hacked off right now. Ive got no family. No marriage. My perfect precious little lad sleeps in the next room to me. Bloody wonder mum here thinks hes blissfully unaware but tonight he tells me he doesnt like being downstairs when his step dad is being like this. I think its time ladies...

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybabey · 28/06/2016 00:05

Why cant he just be a fab husband/daddy all of the time and we all live happily ever after........ is that really such a big ask???

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 28/06/2016 00:36

It's not a big ask, Jelly. Throw this one back and you'll find a good one at some point.

LilacInn · 28/06/2016 01:00

God, get your kid out of there. The daily damage to him is horrible to contemplate. He should be your priority, not your love life.

Resilience16 · 28/06/2016 04:24

Hi jelly, this is emotional abuse, and having been in a relationship like this before myself I know how horrible it is to be constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for the next blow up.
Be clear, this isn't about anything you do or don't do,you are not to blame here, this is all about him and his controlling behaviour. A loving,respectful, healthy relationship doesn't have days every month of "pure nastiness"...that may be what you have come to expect as normality but really it's not, and you and your son deserve better.
I know it is hard to face up to the fact and admit to yourself you are in an abusive relationship, especially as when there are good times too, but this relationship is damaging you and damaging your kid.
If your husband doesn't accept he has a problem, then things will not change and will probably escalate.The longer you stay, the more your self esteem will be worn away, you will begin to doubt yourself, the more this will become your warped normality. Been there, done that.
It's only when you step back and step away that you really see how toxic your relationship is/was.
I really am sorry you are in this shit situation. My advice to you would be to be brave though and get out. For your sake and your son's.Contact Women's aid for practical advice.
Good luck and a hug for you x

crossroads3 · 28/06/2016 05:40

Hi jelly my h does this too and is doing it at the moment in fact - since Saturday. Am about to start my own thread about it.

It is abusive and you absolutely need to talk to your partner about it and tell him that you cannot accept this behaviour and that pretty soon it would mean that you no longer have a relationship. Do you broach the subject with him when he comes out of his strops?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 28/06/2016 06:18

Oh this sounds so depressingly familiar. My abusive ex followed this exact same pattern. I could be the most beautiful, infatuating, amazing woman in the world one day and a nasty little cunt not worth his breath the next. There is nothing you can do to stop the highs becoming lows, you will send yourself mad by twisting yourself in circles trying not to set it off. It won't change. Ever. He does it because he can.

Dontanalyseit · 28/06/2016 07:32

My ex did this for years. When I used to ask what I'd done he would say, if you don't know then there's a problem. He would also start to thaw out after a few days with a grunt and then gradually perk up when he wanted a shag.

I wouldn't put up with it again. It is controlling and soul destroying.