Sulky hubby silent treatment

[Jellybabey]

Hi x
Does anyone else get the sulky silent treatment from DH/partner for days/weeks accompanied by a side of pure nastiness?

Im on day 4 of being completely blanked by my so called husband. This happens every 2 or 3 weeks lately... everythings fine, better than fine, we buzz off eachother, laugh lots, have the same common goals, morals we bloody love eachothers company... then i say a syllable that he doesnt like and thats it...party's over... im a *** then he shuts down, ignores me, sleeps in guest bedroom (as long as there are no guests in there 😀,) he wont eat food ive prepared or even drink a cup of coffee that ive made. Its fuckin weird. Then slowly after a few days he will respond to my cheery "good morning" with a grunt (thats
called progress in my book) then i know the ice is thawing. A few hours or days later we will be 'normal' so long as i have apologised for my 'part' and he gets the opportunity to defend his.
Then we go back to happy, lovely us, planning our future and buzzing off eachother until... yep i say tomaaaato instead of tomatoooo.

I love my DH for all his qualities and he is amazing when hes in a good place i adore him, we literally buzz together so im not leaving him. I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this or has any advice?

Dp can be quite sulky. Took me a while to realise me "taking the adult amused high ground" (as another pp said) works best with him. That bring him out of it about 90% of the time. The 10% if the time it doesn't work, I tease him but give him space, and he comes to apologise to ds and I for being an eejit within about 2 hours (usually enough time to retreat to bed and watch a film/have a think does the trick).

What you're describing sounds unbearable. You're on day FOUR now? If you went right now and said to him "I love you but you're acting like a fool, a man your age cutting his nose off to spite his own face. It's riddiculous" would he just sit there and continue to ignore you, for possibly another few days?

"I keep planning to talk to DH about his sulking when he's come around, then things are going well and i dont want to upset the apple cart" You know he knows this right? That you'll be afraid to say anything in case he goes silent on you again. His private thoughts on this are probably along the lines of "I shouldn't have to listen to her shit/nonsense, so I'm going to ignore her".

Pushing away food and drinks you've made him probably gives him a big power rush/sadistic satisfaction in hurting you and seeing your face fall.

What's the phrase? He's not telling you who he is, he's showing you?

Tech monkey, hope your sulk cure goes for your DPs too. Do they get to run off or play games when in a mood?

I get similar moods, but I do not allow.myself the self indulgence of abusing my partners (yes I have 2, they are both wonderful women, and they love each other too, yes I am.lucky, yes I do get a lot of shit for being poly from.jealous people, no I don't give a shit 😉).

Good grief.

How old is he?

"yes I do get a lot of shit for being poly from.jealous people"

I don't envy you at all, I find it hard enough dealing with one man, never mind two.

I think a few of u have hit the nail on the head with depression. He started to feel down about 18 mths ago, he was prescribed AD meds which he took for a short while, he ended up in A and E with a huge panic attack a year ago. I struggle with this as the reason he started to feel bad is to do with my family's behaviour towards him back then.

He used to be a bit sulky before all that but very infrequently, an hour in the gym and hed be fine. I didnt have a problem with it.

Im convinced he is absoltely not the controlling abusive ass hole type, i know him and his nature and his character, hes genuinely a nice guy. I think he is struggling to cope with what happened back then and associates me with how my family were with him. Ive just realised as im typing this that if we have words he will bring up the way my family treated him. And he cant get his head around how they all had the last word and i didnt retaliate, i just walked away from them, i was totally drained by it all.

We spoke for about an hour today,, it started well then turned in to him talking about how i handled things with my family. And me banging on about him sulking. And no resolution. Theres so much love there but we keep getting stuck on this one point.

When in the grip of depression, it is easy to think one can identify a cause. But sometimes that's the depression itself coming to the wrong conclusion. Would he go back to the GP? The right ADs can be of real help - though it sometimes takes a while to match the right one to the individual's physiology.

Fuck living like that.

Get rid.

My dh was a bit like Wickedlady. I just ignored him, teased him, and definitely never let it change my mind on anything. When he saw it didn't work he gave it up. He would never last 4 days just a few hours.His df did silence so he learnt it off him. If you don't want to leave just ignore him. Up your own activities. Meet friends. Head to the park with your ds. Look at him as if you're saying are you for real. Break it's power. Act like you don't even realise he is in a sulk. See what happens.

"Good grief"

What grief??? Why would that be good??? I don't follow...

Jellybabey

I am wondering what you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours is he meeting here.

If he is a nice guy to other people and does this behaviour to you then he is not a nice guy. He is presenting an image of niceness to the outside world, many abusive men are quite plausible to those outside too.

He is conducting his own private war against you and you slip back into the same old patterns of acquiescent and enabling behaviours each and every time.

You would like to think he is not the controlling arsehole type but he is because he does this behaviour to you and you alone. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I doubt very much that he is depressed in the usual sense; he is unhappy but is using his innate unhappiness as a stick to beat you with. He feels that you are to blame for his inherent ills.

You are both acting out your respective parts in this abuse cycle; you co-operate and he does not. Now you are back in the eye of the storm before he starts again, this is a continuous cycle. His silences are never about silence him being silent; its being used against you as a power and control mechanism. This works for him and he has you running around looking after him trying to jolly him out of his moods. He has also well conditioned you into accepting this at all from him hence your apologising, excusing his behaviours by citing depression and standing up for him.

Do you want your son to turn out the same as his dad; what you are also doing here is showing your child that this is acceptable to you on some level.

This will never be resolved because he will always sabotage any attempts you make to solve things. He is actually quite happy as he is.

You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Ultimately the responsibility for any freezing out of you on his part is his.

The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive action where a person feels bad but is unable to express themselves. Their being 'silent' is never a silent act. It generates what the sulker wants. Attention and the knowledge others are hurt. Plus a feeling of power from creating uncertainty over how long the ‘silence’ will last.

He does this because he can and this works for him. I daresay that this is deeply ingrained from childhood as well, he saw other family members do this.

I don't think you can blame depression on crappy behaviour like this, tbh.

Quite a few judgemental jessies on this thread...
I don't think anyone should read into this more than the OP wrote...
He is some times sulky for days.
Then he isn't and everything is fine.

To me.this doesn't suggest an evil manipulative person, it suggests someone who need counselling and some good exercise.
It could be worth looking at diet too, as this can make big differences to how people perceive things.

To those who were talking about medication works for them! Great, glad... Just saying people should try to make themselves well naturally first... Medication should be a last resort!

To the OP, I recommend you try to get him to talk to a counsellor, also try to get him to exercise more... If you can find an activity you both like that's even better!
Good luck, and don't let the negative nessies bring you down!

Negative nessies, I think not. There have been some wise posters on this thread who have called his behaviour abusive and with good foundation, they recognise these behaviours for what they are i.e. its all about having power and control. To dismiss and deny others so casually simply because they do not agree with your own world view is wrong.

As for him talking to a counsellor and getting some good exercise I would think he would scoff loudly at the whole idea. Its simply naïve to think that counselling and exercise would actually help here, what would that really achieve. He after all, in his head, is doing nothing wrong here with regards to his wife and this is also why he continues to do as he does. This behaviour also works for him, that is why he also does it.

Counselling for OP though is a must do and on her own as well.

This what Attila says He after all, in his head, is doing nothing wrong here with regards to his wife and this is also why he continues to do as he does.
Every time he is called on his behaviour he refers the OP to her family's behaviour. In reality he is blaming her for 'making him' feel like this.
Sorry to say but he might not change. This is a very entrenched way of thinking. He may always blame something outside himself for 'causing' his feelings, rather than accept that his feelings are in fact owned, generated etc entirely by his mind, his brain and are experienced solely and entirely within his body. There is no invisible negative energy wafting from the OP's family into his body.
If the 'reason' is not the OP's family's treatment of him, it'll be something else she does - some small remark made 5yrs ago etc etc.

I would disagree that 4 days of sulking is normal for someone. It is not. Maybe an hour or two of huffiness or a day at most. 4 days takes real skill and real determination. Determination and purposeful planning is what it takes to make another person 'pay' and experience hurt and pain of rejection - that's what 4 whole days and nights is.
The person giving the Silent Treatment is usually fine with everyone else - but then they switch on the Silent Treatment with the person to be Punished. You can overhear them on the phone laughing and chatting to someone - then into the kitchen, purposefully make the one cup of tea and walk out again. It's not normal. They know exactly what they are doing it and plan it every morning when they wake up.

My dad ignored me for three years - yes you read that right - three years, when I split with my husband. He would till come to do's etc at my home but ignore me, if I offered him a drink he would nod but not speak. Pure stubbornness that went too far and he couldn't get himself out of it. I never questioned it, stopped getting upset after about a year and reasoned that if he died hving ignored me it was on him, not me. He started speaking spontaneously to me one day at a bbq. No apology no explanation. So yeh, men can be stubborn idiots and it makes them do stubborn ridiculous things.

Today was a game changer... hes been to see a solicitor about getting a divorce 😢 im totally heart broken he was so cold with me. Where has he gone??? The man i adored who adored me. Last week we were planning our future laughing and joking and in love. Hes booked an appointment to see a solicitor in the past, but he didnt go as he 'came around' before the appointment. Today he actually went and has stated a few facts etc so i believe he actually went.

I feel totally betrayed. I said he might as well have fucked the solicitor for the way i feel. I started crying and went a bit nuts (obviously). Btw DS was out at a club when all this happened.

He said he loved me 99% but the 1% he cant love is cuz of how my family had treated him and how i let them carry on speaking ill of him, hes angry with me cuz i was slow to react to them and when i did i pussy footed round not wanting to cause a huge row and trying to resolve it amicably, which obviously didnt work. Then i walked away from them. This was all a while ago btw.

Maybe hes not depressed after all. Maybe hes just done with me and my baggage.

Absolutely devastated 😢😢😢

Sorry but loves you 99% but abuses you for much more than that. Why would you be devastated - you should be cheering from the rooftops he is going. You should be packing his stuff and putting it and him on the step.

His behaviour is nothing to do with you or any imaginary baggage. Don't start begging - find your dignity and get rid. And then do some work on yourself to figure out why you put up with such shite from this excuse of a man.

Fucking hell. So the family you have turned your back on isn't enough?
What does he want? What more can you do to stop him intermittently treating you like shit? Did your family treat you like this? Do you want your son to?

I say ditch his sulky arse. Break that cycle.

Do you think he knows you have posted on here about him? I'm just concerned that - at the point you thought to reality check just how bad his behaviour is..he moves the goalposts.
Now it's not
"Stop me sulking"
It's
"Stop me divorcing you"
If hes abusive and controlling its a step up because his current strategy isn't working. If he's not then he's just a common all garden self serving asshat.
I think you could meet his suggestion with extreme enthusiasm, if only to see how he reacts. (But frankly.. Get out!)
Treating you as badly as he does, all that sulking and punishing, takes real energy. Its not apathy, he's really invested in it. If you were to make a list
Cost v benefit ..of what he gains from this behaviour. And what you loose
I think you might find it quite enlightening.

Get rid of him - his behaviour is appalling, and if that wasn't enough the fact he's now seen a solicitor behind your back about splitting up shows that he doesn't want to be with you.

Bin him off and move on - life will be much better without such a twat in your life - and reconnect with your family. Sounds like they had the measure of him from the start

He's playing you like a banjo. He's not depressed. He's a manipulative cunt. I'd make an appointment with a solicitor too, if I were you.

This is about winning and he wants to beat you into submission. And it's clearly working. I hope you find some strength OP.

God he's an prick!!
Seriously, this is a great 'out' for you.
I agree with PP.
Tell him you've had a chance to think about things and a divorce is definitely what you want. Watch him back pedal.
In the mean-time get yourself an appointment with a solicitor.
You may want to call Womens Aid and ask them for a local one that deals with abusive assholes!
A lot offer a free half hour.
Just find out where you stand and then take it from there.
Honestly, this is a good thing.
You just need to put that positive spin on it.