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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this deceit a red flag?

76 replies

MrsBotox · 22/06/2016 15:51

DP and I have been looking at houses to buy together. I live and work in town where DS is at school and I have friends nearby, DP works away from home Mon to Fri, only here weekends. DP wants to live in a village and I have reluctantly been looking at houses he likes but really want to stay in town.
One house he loved but was very rural and I couldn't see myself there during the week while he was away.
I have discovered that he went to the vendor and made an offer, despite the fact that we had agreed it wasn't feasible for me. He says he really wanted the house even though I didn't and he is away most of the time.
The vendor turned him down but if she had accepted he says he would have 'persuaded' me I would love the place (I wouldn't).
I am now feeling uneasy at this deception. Am I right to worry?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 22/06/2016 15:54

Yes! What the fuck was he playing at! How is he normally, can he be controlling or want his own way in other areas of your relationship?

hesterton · 22/06/2016 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

willconcern · 22/06/2016 15:56

Yes. He behaved appallingly. One thing to try to persuade you, another to go behind your back like this. Huge red flag waving!

Oddsocksgalore · 22/06/2016 15:56

Is the pope Catholic!

plimsolls · 22/06/2016 15:56

I'd be furious.

LimpidPools · 22/06/2016 15:57

He tried to buy a house that you had TOLD him you didn't want to live in, with the intention of pushing you to live there so he could enjoy it at weekends?

I'd say that was a pretty big problem, yes.

Nivea101 · 22/06/2016 15:58

Wow!!!

pinkyredrose · 22/06/2016 15:58

Trying to isolate a partner is an abusive trait and a huge red flag.

ElspethFlashman · 22/06/2016 16:00

He doesn't give a shit about you, love.

I'm betting he couldn't afford a mortgage on his own?

adora1 · 22/06/2016 16:04

Selfish twat and not even sorry!

DeathStare · 22/06/2016 16:30

Trying to buy a house without telling your partner is a red flag.

Going behind your partner's back to try to force them into a position they don't want to be is another red flag.

Trying to isolate your partner is a third red flag.

Trying to control where a partner is when you aren't with them (in this case by making it difficult for them to go out) is yet another red flag.

So not one red flag but multiple. He really is very manipulative (though I'm sure he will tell you that you're over-reaxting/it's a big misunderstanding/you'll be happier in the long run if you do it his way). If nothing else this sets an awful precedent that he can lie to you and ignore your wishes to get his own way.

Please don't buy any house with him.

DeathStare · 22/06/2016 16:31

And I've just spotted a fifth red flag - he doesn't give a shit about what is best for your DC.

ZerenaZZ · 22/06/2016 16:43

Yes, he doesn't care for your happiness or wellbeing. Don't allow him to bully you into anything.

Original poster
MrsBotox · 22/06/2016 17:22

Thanks everyone. I didn't expect such a unanimous reaction.
So much back-story here it's hard to know where to begin. When I met DP I was recently divorced and living in rented house with DS (8). Ex DH lost our home in failed business venture so I had no money and lost my share of house (20 years' worth), but managed to work almost full-time despite probs with child-care.
DP also divorced, ex wife was given all collateral from marriage (DCs in their late teens). He living in shared rental. We were both in our 40s.
We had the chance to buy the house I rented at a bargain price but DP said he couldn't live in terrace with no parking as he had 'lost too much' with sale of his house (large, expensive).
We looked at similar houses in town but same story - too small, not posh enough, no parking etc etc. So ended up looking at villages despite my heart not being in it.
I don't have any capital to put in, so I feel I can't really expect to have my own way. DP once said 'when you earn the money you can decide how it's spent'. Despite that, if I ask for money for myself, or towards a new car, he has no problem with that. It's just the sharing/co-operative decision making that seems to be difficult for him.
His ex wife (he says) spent money like water - credit cards, new furniture etc. Got his fingers burnt. So he gives me an allowance for house, personal stuff etc but no free access to the rest of his income.
Very confusing.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/06/2016 17:31

Oh I don't like this at all.

I'm interested in how he ended up with nothing when his children were in their late teens - that's very unusual. Was it in return for him keeping his pension?

I would hate you to be dependent on him or on anyone, really. The way he's acting, you won't get a choice in how you live your life and you'll be expected to put up and shut up. You're not married, either, so if the relationship ended you'd be out on your ear.

Are you working? I'd be looking at strengthening my own resources in your situation rather than living with a man like that and weakening your resources.

ImperialBlether · 22/06/2016 17:32

Do you still have the right to buy your rented house? Could you afford that alone?

Tearsoffrustration · 22/06/2016 17:33

He sounds financially abusive, it's interesting that you put the 'he says' when talking about his ex.

Cabrinha · 22/06/2016 17:38

How the fuck have you ended up depbdent on him for money anyway?!!! Shock

You're both working adults with your own kids.

OK fair enough if he earns more he might pay for more things... But why have you put yourself in a position of needing an "allowance" from him? Come on love.

And frankly no matter what other red flags there were, if someone told me I only got a choice when I earned the money, I'd have said a permanent goodbye right there and then. That attitude isn't going to change.

ElspethFlashman · 22/06/2016 17:40

RUN FOR THE HILLS.

nicenewdusters · 22/06/2016 17:42

Sorry but to me he sounds like a sexist snob. Ok, he's had his fingers burnt with his first wife (but you only have his side of the story) and you're not her.

"When you earn the money you can decide how it's spent". This is something I might say to my (young) children, if they wanted me to buy a £20 easter egg. Even then I'd try and bite my tongue as it's belittling and controlling.

I wouldn't feel comfortable buying a property with this man.

Original poster
MrsBotox · 22/06/2016 17:43

He had an affair while married. The wife had severe depression (post natal plus ongoing) and wouldn't have sex with him. She 'told' him to find someone else so he did. Practically living with someone while working away. It all blew up (of course) and she divorced him.
He says he let her keep house as he felt so guilty and was worried she would turn DCs against him (!) He also gave her money after she remarried despite their divorce settlement being agreed.
I always felt he put her welfare before mine but convinced self I was being paranoid.
He has tried same trick with me - he tells me, often, if I don't want to have sex he will find someone who does. Biggest turn-off ever. My sympathies are with his ex wife who I have met and liked.
She is now in residential care after several courses of ECT.
Sometimes I think this is worse than I think it is iyswim.
Am anxious about setting out on my own again. Trying to see the positives in the situation, and him.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 22/06/2016 17:45

What cabrhina said.

Why have you got into the position of him financially abusing you?

ElspethFlashman · 22/06/2016 17:46

You don't have a partner. You have an abusive Dad.

Tearsoffrustration · 22/06/2016 17:48

He tells you he's going to find someone else so have sex with! You don't have to put up with that.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 22/06/2016 17:49

Please please please do not move in with this man or buy a house with him. I can tell from your posts that you like being independent and that this situation is really worrying you.

Trust your instincts. this will not end well. And why the fuck would you want to be in the middle of nowhere with a child and no partner?! You have a voice and an opinion even if you don't have money. You deserve and need to be in a house that suits you.