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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this deceit a red flag?

76 replies

MrsBotox · 22/06/2016 15:51

DP and I have been looking at houses to buy together. I live and work in town where DS is at school and I have friends nearby, DP works away from home Mon to Fri, only here weekends. DP wants to live in a village and I have reluctantly been looking at houses he likes but really want to stay in town.
One house he loved but was very rural and I couldn't see myself there during the week while he was away.
I have discovered that he went to the vendor and made an offer, despite the fact that we had agreed it wasn't feasible for me. He says he really wanted the house even though I didn't and he is away most of the time.
The vendor turned him down but if she had accepted he says he would have 'persuaded' me I would love the place (I wouldn't).
I am now feeling uneasy at this deception. Am I right to worry?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBotox · 22/06/2016 17:53

Ouch! Am I being abused? That feels strong.
I earn as much as I can. Anyway my ex's business problems meant I can't have a mortgage of my own. DP earns loads and can get a mortgage so of course I am financially dependent in that area.
He has told me he enjoys the provider/protector role and likes being a parent.

OP posts:
YesYABU · 22/06/2016 17:54

He has told me he enjoys the provider/protector role and likes being a parent

No, he likes control. Red flag!!

ElspethFlashman · 22/06/2016 17:54

Yeah......YOUR parent. Hmm

Mrskeats · 22/06/2016 17:55

Is this real?
Get out now

BitOutOfPractice · 22/06/2016 17:57

Mrs Botox I've just read your subsequent posts I think the deceit over the house in the country is the very least of your problems.

He sounds utterly vile.

Listen to the voice that is saying this to you: "Sometimes I think this is worse than I think it is". It is worse. Much much worse

amarmai · 22/06/2016 17:59

He's told you who he is but you are refusing to believe it?

pinkyredrose · 22/06/2016 18:00

He sounds hideous! I'd get more financial advice if I were you, you may find there's a way you can buy alone. IS your house still available to buy?

I definitely wouldn't live with this controlling tosser.

Cabrinha · 22/06/2016 18:06

Well fine then - surrender your dignity, self esteem and mental health to him because he earns more.

Let him be your (financial) protector.

But realise that you:

(A) have to give him your body for sex whenever he wants or he will - as he told you and as he did before - go elsewhere

(B) you have to live where he chooses. He earns the money, he chooses the house.

If that has you even slightly bristling, then get out now.

If it doesn't bother you... then you're in big trouble.

But it does bother you, so act on it.

Are you really going to trade your body and the right to an equal say in your home, for money? Hmm

Nivea101 · 22/06/2016 18:14

Living in the middle of nowhere with children and no partner is absolute hell, been there, done that, never again. It was a long time ago but I can remember this terrible feeling of isolation with (ex)H only coming home when he was off 4 days off and 10 days on.

And unless you are self employed from home there is very little work in these rural places.

nicenewdusters · 22/06/2016 18:16

What Cabrinha said - with bells on !

Disregard my earlier post. I wouldn't buy a sofa with this man, let alone a house. Why would you trade an independent life with your child for a lonely isolated existence with a sexist, unfaithful deceiver ?

Would you even still be with him if he didn't "earn loads" ? You can be just as miserable in luxury, and oh will he make you miserable.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 22/06/2016 18:21

Red buntings.

Msqueen33 · 22/06/2016 18:25

From what you've said he sounds very very unpleasant. In fact he sounds awful. Seriously consider your relationship. He's not even considered what you might want that sounds hugely controlling to me.

FreeFromHarm · 22/06/2016 18:33

I agree , get rid ASAP, sounds so familiar your story, you will probably find all what he says his Ex has done is all his doing, my ex moved me and dc away from family and friends, became violent, controlling etc,
Sorry to say this, I think he is lying , definitely run for the hills xx

YesYABU · 22/06/2016 18:36

free from

Exactly, he's already claimed his ex told him to go and sleep with someone else...

expatinscotland · 22/06/2016 18:37

You are well on your way to being financially abused. He's a liar, controlling, a snob, sexist.

'He had an affair while married. The wife had severe depression (post natal plus ongoing) and wouldn't have sex with him. She 'told' him to find someone else so he did. Practically living with someone while working away. It all blew up (of course) and she divorced him.
He says he let her keep house as he felt so guilty and was worried she would turn DCs against him (!) He also gave her money after she remarried despite their divorce settlement being agreed.'

You do realise he is full of shit, don't you? He fucked around on her because he saw her, and you as a sex toy. If you run out of batteries, he goes and gets another one. He has not only told you this but also shown you this by his actions with his ex.

PLEASE get your child away from him! When you have kids, it's not just about you anymore and your fears of 'setting out on your own' again, it's about putting your child in a setting that's beyond their control and that they have no say in.

STOP looking at houses with him. FFS.

DoreenLethal · 22/06/2016 18:42

Er - yeah what they all said. Please do not buy a house with this man.

AyeAmarok · 22/06/2016 18:45

No, no, no, no, no - this is all so wrong on so many levels.

thedogdaysareover · 22/06/2016 18:53

Yes you are being abused. Please don't buy a house with this man.

FreeFromHarm · 22/06/2016 19:20

OP I had to leave.... since we left exh is scouting for his next victim and someone to buy with and use just like he did me.. 8 he has had in our home since we had to leave, all single parents, the latest victim has probably been told all lies.. little does she realise he is in dept up to his eyeballs , all over dating sites poor unsuspecting single mothers beware!!
I think you know how this will end, for someone who has lost everything , financial abuse, our home, DV , abuse of every kind...please heed our warnings .

purplefox · 22/06/2016 19:34

There are so many red flags here I wouldn't know where to start.

SeaEagleFeather · 22/06/2016 20:31

listen to Cabrinha.

I hope your little self-protective voice is talking to you ... .if it isn't, listen to the Mumsnet brigade.

This man is no good at all.

Original poster
MrsBotox · 22/06/2016 20:51

Bit overwhelmed with all the responses TBH. Everyone seems to be in agreement that DP is a nasty abuser. I would never have labelled him in that way although the incidents I have described are as they happened.
My self-protective voice is very faint, I never know whether what I feel is justifiable. I am and always have been very, very good at putting up with things I don't like.
I couldn't figure out why I can't 'get' DP. I never have felt completely comfortable with him in some way but because he was kind to us and so unlike my DP, I thought I SHOULD like him. My instincts are all over the place.
Brief history - emotionally distant, critical dad, violent first husband, let down by second husband. God, I sound like a pathetic victim. Apologies.

OP posts:
FreeFromHarm · 22/06/2016 21:12

Op you are not a pathetic victim at all, it is Not You, you trusted your instinct, no you have done the hard part, so proud of you, all you needed was clarity.
It is not always easy to see the woods for the tree's , I was with my x for years and years and just chose to ignore the signs, I am paying dearly for that in many ways and form, please do not make the same mistake I did x

YesYABU · 22/06/2016 21:16

But you're not being a pathetic victim- you knew it felt wrong and didn't sit right with you. This is the first step.

LoonieToony · 22/06/2016 21:28

You're not a pathetic victim at all - you are listening to that little voice questioning this man - you are not ignoring it.

Good.

Start planning. You must listen to that little voice and to our voices