Is this deceit a red flag?

[MrsBotox]

DP and I have been looking at houses to buy together. I live and work in town where DS is at school and I have friends nearby, DP works away from home Mon to Fri, only here weekends. DP wants to live in a village and I have reluctantly been looking at houses he likes but really want to stay in town.
One house he loved but was very rural and I couldn't see myself there during the week while he was away.
I have discovered that he went to the vendor and made an offer, despite the fact that we had agreed it wasn't feasible for me. He says he really wanted the house even though I didn't and he is away most of the time.
The vendor turned him down but if she had accepted he says he would have 'persuaded' me I would love the place (I wouldn't).
I am now feeling uneasy at this deception. Am I right to worry?

When you grow up in abusive situations, you have no boundaries. This does not make you a victim, but it means you need to learn what healthy boundaries and respect are. This man is steam-rollering over you and he does not respect you.

Can you still buy your terrace house for yourself and DS?

Run!

You know how his ex wife has depression? That will be you in a couple of years. He sounds horrific. He's not protective. He's a selfish, arrogant, snobbish wanker.

"He had an affair while married. The wife had severe depression (post natal plus ongoing) and wouldn't have sex with him. She 'told' him to find someone else so he did. Practically living with someone while working away. It all blew up (of course) and she divorced him.

He says he let her keep house as he felt so guilty and was worried she would turn DCs against him (!) He also gave her money after she remarried despite their divorce settlement being agreed."

Like other posters, I smell bullshit. I think he's lying or at the very least misrepresenting his ex wife giving him permission to cheat, I think he gave himself permission to cheat. If she'd given him permission, why would it all blow up? (I suppose he claims because he got serious with the other woman?).

I'd take this and the financial claims with a big pinch of salt. You have no idea what really happened without having the sort of conversation with his ex that you've naturally not had or are likely to have.

That in itself is a red flag to me, aside from all of the financial, domineering, isolating etc. issues that other posters have covered.

Wife is/was depressed/mentally unstable/dysfunctionl, no sex life, wife told him she didn't care if he got sex elsewhere, did all these good guy, generous things cause felt so bad, wife could turn kids against him (yet you found her a lovely person?!) etc.. are standard cheating man's script lines.

I think what happened with his ex that she got fed up with him threatening to shag someone else that she eventually lost patience and said 'Go on then' thus giving him 'permission' to do so even though she probably didn't mean it..
He says it blew up when the other woman wanted 'more' from the relationship and things got tricky. Wife contacted other woman (don't know how she knew how to) and that was it. Big scene with his clothes thrown out of window of marital home etc.
She always used to corner me at family weddings etc and wanted to talk to me about their marriage but I felt uncomfortable about it. Wish I'd listened to her more now.

I think you're right , even if she said (still some doubt) it I don't think she meant it and he would've known that. He gave himself permission to cheat. And what sort of a person gives those ultimatums & behaves like that anyway (esp. when their partner is depressed/their depression his worse from having recently had his child). I wonder if that is the only incident of his infidelity as well?
His soy about the other woman/marriage breakdown doesn't make much sense to me. Also most other women will not get involved or stay involved without "the lines" inc. the expectation of a future together, so no doubt there was deceit & manipulation there too.

She was prob. trying to tell you her side, prob. knowing you were getting a version ... however you really can't be blamed for being uncomfortable & not getting into it as his new partner.

Sorry 'story' not soy!

'I think what happened with his ex that she got fed up with him threatening to shag someone else that she eventually lost patience and said 'Go on then' thus giving him 'permission' to do so even though she probably didn't mean it..'

You're fooling yourself if you think that's true. And at any rate, it's irrelevant. He cheated on her, got caught and she threw his lying arse out and divorced him. Fuck all his lies about how he felt guilty and paid her, blah blah blah. Bullshit.

This is a red flag among red flags at a Maoist convention, on top of all the other shite he's been feeding you.

You are in the driver's seat for you and your child just now. You have a job, you have a place that you like for you and your child to live.

Ask yourself why you need a liar who tries to control you in your child's life. A man who tells you if you don't put out as he demands, he'll shag someone else. A man who admits he's out to control you by insisting on a house that will isolate you from everyone and going behind your back and putting in an offer and then when caught out, tells you he'd have bullied you into it.

He's a liar, a control freak, a manipulator and a bully.

What could you do to (re) establish independence and protect yourself while you absorb this and decide what to do?

Good grief, the house thing is the least of your worries.

Please distance yourself (run for the hills and don't look back) from this man while you have a chance.

Utterly agree with all PP's.
So many red flags, I'm not sure which one is waving the most.

Get out now.

You need to end it

OP, you are not a victim.

You say your instincts are all over the place. Well, they may be a little fuzzy but you can clearly still feel them and they have led you here. You also say that you couldn't quite "get" your dp. Again, nothing wrong with your instinct there, in view of the background details you've given us.

Like a lot of people on these boards you're starting to see a pattern to your relationships, so you now have instinct and insight.

You don't own a property with this man, you don't have children together, you're not married, you work and have your own home.

I know it is still very hard for you to think that you can leave him, but the above makes it easier in practical ways. Emotionally it seems like you're looking to give yourself permission to do so. Trying to weigh things up, balance things out, see what looks right and wrong.

You can leave him even if you can't write it all down on a piece of paper. It's his very behaviour that's making you feel confused and doubt yourself. You are clear headed enough now to be considering that what's happening is wrong. If you leave it too long you may lose that clarity.

As the old MN saying goes: when someone tells you who he is LISTEN

This man has told you:

that he has cheated on his ex and foresees the possibility of cheating on you

that he wants you in the role of protected/provided for rather than as an equal partner

that he wants you in a role where you will be isolated and dependent on him and that he is prepared to go behind your back to ensure this

that you do not have a say in decisions which affect you both- such as where you live- because you are not as important as he is

As somebody said on another thread: just because your ex was a 10/10 bastard doesn't mean you have to put up with a 7/10 bastard. The world is full of men who are not bastards at all.

You've forgotten one Cory

that he's told you that if you don't want sex when and how he wants it he'll be unfaithful. Nice. (STD anyone?)

You're in deep shit with this gem OP. Dump asap. Your child deserves much better. So be a good parent and protect them and yourself.

Holy shit.

Yes, your boundaries are skewed, but that's not your fault: it's what you were raised to expect.

However, you don't need to keep on accepting domination and control. This man is trying to dominate and control you. It's not ok, and you must get out from under his control.

So, you can't afford a mortgage on your own. There are FAR worse fates in life, such as giving up you body and your self-determination to a controlling man. Plenty of people rent. It's fine. You work, so put the roof that you can afford over yours and DC's head.

What kind of real life support do you have? This man is not going to go quietly (he likes having his hooks into you), and you will need all the back-up you can get to send him away and keep him away. Please open to a solid female friend, phone Women's Aid to talk through your escape plan with them, and be prepared to call the cops when he turns up on your doorstep.

OP please re-read these posts. Imagine it is a friend/sister/daughter telling you about their relationship. What would you advise?

My ex told his OW I said it was OK for him to have other girlfriends as long as I didn't know. It was a lie. Other lies included that we no longer had sex, that I constantly made him feel guilty I had to live in his country and that I was planning on moving back to my home country, leaving my children behind. In fact he came to me saying he felt guilty (I told him he shouldn't ) and saying I should spend more time abroad (I said I didn't want to).

You are assuming there must be some truth in his description but there is very likely none at all. If his story sounds bizarre and unlikely, it might well just be crap. Giving his wife money he didn't have to after she remarried? Hmm. Or maybe he is repaying a debt? Or actually paying the money into a secret account for his weeknight activities? Just some alternative ideas....

I agree Ravensmum, the lies my x told to many of his ow astounds me, anything to convince them that he is a decent person..When he is a narcissist .. He even lied about the charges from the police made against him, this new dp has no idea what she has got her and her ds into , I worry for them , it is awful knowing they could end up losing everything.

Thank you everyone for all your insights and advice. I don't think I have ever seen a thread on here where there was no dissent at all. Bit of a shock to realise I have been so blind.
I have a lot of thinking to do.
I have no other family and only a few friends so the relationship with DP has been important to me. My frustration and anger at his behaviour has often boiled over into ranting and raging at him, then I feel bad and guilty.
It feels like trying to climb out of a bucket of glue.
I know I have to take back my life. Will keep you posted.

Your little boy doesn't need this creep as his role model. This is a sad sad story but you can change what happens to your and your son from now on.

It must be a shock to read it in black and white op but you knew in your heart of hearts didn't you?

Good luck. I have a feeling you are going to be just fine without him and we are all here for help and advice

I don't post very often but agree with everyone else.
Don't do it

Hope your future is a happy one away from this controlling creep

I'm just adding to the chorus..,,yes a whole bunting of red flags...sorry!

One thing does occur to me: if you know his ex and like her- could you have another chat to compare notes- assuming it wouldn't make her illness worse?? It may be the final nail in the coffin you need to leave this first class abuser ? My guess is that he has lied comprehensively and there is a lot more to his ex's illness and money division? My bet is he promised her the world and was a controlling faithless b all done in the name of being a protector, and he probably gaslighted her into mental distress?

A dear pal did this to her husband- He appeared to be a lovely caring man....I had met him and liked him. His ex-wife (conveniently living now in NZ) was portrayed similarly...he had repeated the same pattern of behaviour with her as he had with first wife - she had been left ill, penniless with a severely disabled son by him...My pal so wished she had paid attention to the alarm bells before she married him. He appeared to have little contact with any friends, family (he had comprehensively lied and stolen money from them). No friends came to visit. His children he skyped once a month. His illustrious career- claimed to be a first class chef..turned out he had been a short order cook in a diner...he appeared to have been fired from every job he had. He was very believable...sadly my pal has 2 lovely kids by him he ignores and wont pay towards,,,she has lost a lot of her savings...he spent them...and it has hit her like a ton of bricks...

Please listen to your instinct..also what someone else said upthread- what would you advise if it was your best pal or sister with this man???

good luck!