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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has just accused me of violence towards my Sen child.

53 replies

JemimaEaves · 19/06/2016 00:56

I was trying to get my son out of the car whilst he was having a mega meltdown. My husband was going to be late so I swivelled my son round so his feet were out of the car and then held his hands to pull him out. He threw himself on the floor and scrabbled away from me. He is 15 and as tall as me. After he had finished his meltdown we went out for a meal and had a lovely walk together. My husband has just come in ranting about me being violent to my son and saying that my son is terrified if me. He then up and left for a couple of hours in a temper (leaving his son with his "violent"mother). He has just come back and made the same accusations. He also say that I don't know what I'm doing. He has made it impossible for me to defend myself and laughs at me when I speak. I had to promise not to touch my son again. Which will be fun on Monday when he refuses to get out if bed for school. I'm feeling totally numb.

OP posts:
laurenwiltxx · 19/06/2016 01:20

Well, having to manually handle is different to abusing hitting and shouting ect. Esp when a child is having a tantrum sen or not its hard, even more so when they are as big as you. And tell your husband if that's what he really thinks of you hows about supporting you more with your son rather than passing judgement after

KindDogsTail · 19/06/2016 01:32

How upsetting for you. You had such a difficult thing to do in getting your tall son out if the car in the first place, because your husband was in a hurry, and now your husband is accusing you!

I think you should ask a SN physiotherapist for advice about what to do in the future as far as manoeuvres that might make it easier for you. Ask for a refarral if need be. Your husband should attend the meeting and help you in the future or be the one to handle your son if he is there when he has a melt-down..

Isetan · 19/06/2016 07:05

If he genuinely believes you are violent towards your son, what does him leaving a terrified teen with a violent parent say about him. Tell him if he's really concerned, he should contact the relevant services so that he can be the primary career for your son. The only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them.

Now that you know that the efforts you make to support your H (getting your son out of the car, so he wasn't late) are not only going unappreciated but are going to be twisted to make you feel like crap, I hope you won't be so accommodating next time.

I suspect this isn't the first instance of power mindfuckery he's pulled on you? It's very upsetting when the person who supposedly loves and cares about you treats you with utter contempt but his behaviour says more about him than it will ever say about you. Which begs the question, why are you putting up with his bullying?

Emochild · 19/06/2016 07:11

Is your husband your child's father?

Does he give any support or respite?

If not the ltb

Parenting a child with SEN is difficult enough without trying to do it when you are on a different page to your partner

sixinabed · 19/06/2016 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cathpip · 19/06/2016 07:37

I'd like to hear how he would of dealt with the situation.........possibly not as well as you going on his belittling abusive behaviour towards you!

kittybiscuits · 19/06/2016 07:44

Is your husband normally abusive? His behaviour was awful and as you correctly allude to, why did he leave DS in your care if he was so concerned. From this incident, it doesn't sound as if your H likes you very much. Was it a one off?

Penfold007 · 19/06/2016 07:48

What is your H's future plans for being the primary carer for his DS?

SanityClause · 19/06/2016 07:57

Have you had professional help and advice about what you can/should do in this situation? (I am not criticising what you did, BTW; a professional may well say your handling was the best that could be done, in a very difficult situation.)

How did your husband know about the incident, if he wasn't there? If from your DS, maybe it was more upsetting for your DS than you had thought?

Your husband does sound very undermining, and it would concern me that he is using this as a control thing; a threat of "exposing you" as a poor parent.

Which is why it is vital to have it on record with professionals what your methods of dealing with your DS's meltdowns are, and that they are good ones. You need to know this, not only to do the best for your DS, but also for you, so that you know you are acting in the best way possible, which means your H can't undermine you.

Kenduskeag · 19/06/2016 13:25

Take yourself off for a weekend, or more, and let DH shoulder the burden alone for a few days. See how great a job he bloody does.

I'm sure if he were to 'report' you the first question asked would be why Father of the Year wasn't the one guiding a SN teenage boy out of a vehicle.

EveryoneElsesMumSaidYes · 19/06/2016 13:36

You had to promise not to touch your son again?
Is your husband your son's father?
Is your husband bigger than your son?
If so then let him do the helping out of bed / car etc.
Problem solved he's no longer leaving his son with an 'abusive' mother and he gets to learn how difficult it is to care for a SN teenager.
The man comes across as a complete bully, does he have a lot of involvement in your son's life.

originalmavis · 19/06/2016 13:47

He's obviously never had to deal with such a situation on his own then.

He sounds frustrated, upset (maybe not the child he 'ordered') and is lashing out. Not to excuse him bring a git, but he has to realise that this is how life is and it's not going to magically disappear. Your son will need to be manoeuvred sometimes - but it can't be doing your back any good.

Original poster
JemimaEaves · 19/06/2016 14:35

Wow ladies I'm overwhelmed that there was not one negative voice towards me here. Thank you. No it's not the first time, the last three years have been awful - he seems to have had a real character change. We are adoptive parents. Thank you so much. My other son and I have left them to it for a few days. My husband has messaged me a one liner to ask if I have taken my tablets with me. Other than that, no contact

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 19/06/2016 16:06

Jemima
My husband has messaged me a one liner to ask if I have taken my tablets with me
That is chilling and gas-lighty, I think possibly. I don't know your predicament with your husband but wonder if you might be helped by seeing a counsellor alone?

It's good you have got away for a little.

MaddyHatter · 19/06/2016 16:10

There is nothing wrong with manouvering an autistic child if its done properly and with no intent to cause harm.

Meltdowns are hard enough to deal with, without trying to move someone intent on acting like a sack of spuds because they don't want to move right at that moment.

Perhaps instead of yelling at you, he should actually try an fucking help you!

Your DH is a twat!

Devilishpyjamas · 19/06/2016 16:15

It's very difficult to handle a child as tall as you by yourself. It's a 2:1 job. Really your husband should have been helping you.

I don't know what to suggest he sounds awful :(

PoisonousSmurf · 19/06/2016 16:19

Take a 'holiday' for a few days and let your husband get on with it...

Lweji · 19/06/2016 16:27

What was your husband doing while you were trying to get your son out of the car?

kittybiscuits · 19/06/2016 16:42

Glad you are taking a break OP. If there is any further attempt to frame this as you 'not coping' or some such bullshit, please send a factual reply to the effect that you are taking a break because in addition to not helping at all, he has been actively undermining your parenting.

Original poster
JemimaEaves · 19/06/2016 21:19

Thanks again ladies. Gas lighting sounds very much like what he's doing. He says he's shocked I can't see what I'm like and that I'm showing no remorse. I'm starting to doubt my own judgement.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 19/06/2016 22:44

That's exactly his intention. To make you doubt yourself. If you thought your actions were uncalled for you would have been on here starting a thread about thinking you might have handled things badly. You didn't. You know what you did and that it was okay. He's possibly done this to you many times before - it can become a conditioned response to doubt yourself. Try and step back from him and fade him out. He wants to worry you.

Original poster
JemimaEaves · 21/06/2016 23:02

No change tonight. He is going to report me to social services tomorrow.

OP posts:
yougetme · 21/06/2016 23:11

Let him report away. Then you will perhaps get a proper evaluation of how your household relationships work.
I wonder what hes getting out of this though?

weirdsister · 21/06/2016 23:17

He's going to report you tomorrow is he?
Well why didn't he phone them today if he's so concerned?
He's probably hoping that you'll get in contact tonight to try to stop him.

Lweji · 21/06/2016 23:39

Yes, call his bluff. Let him.