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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has just accused me of violence towards my Sen child.

53 replies

JemimaEaves · 19/06/2016 00:56

I was trying to get my son out of the car whilst he was having a mega meltdown. My husband was going to be late so I swivelled my son round so his feet were out of the car and then held his hands to pull him out. He threw himself on the floor and scrabbled away from me. He is 15 and as tall as me. After he had finished his meltdown we went out for a meal and had a lovely walk together. My husband has just come in ranting about me being violent to my son and saying that my son is terrified if me. He then up and left for a couple of hours in a temper (leaving his son with his "violent"mother). He has just come back and made the same accusations. He also say that I don't know what I'm doing. He has made it impossible for me to defend myself and laughs at me when I speak. I had to promise not to touch my son again. Which will be fun on Monday when he refuses to get out if bed for school. I'm feeling totally numb.

OP posts:
Original poster
JemimaEaves · 22/06/2016 02:22

Absolutely - the way I feel now, I would welcome an investigation. I've already been interrogated by an unprofessional (my husband!) it would be good to talk to people who understand the issues.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 22/06/2016 07:15

Good for you. You sound very solid. He is unlikely to do it. Shall we take bets on the reason he gives for not doing it? He knows you deserve it but he's worried about the consequences for the family? Have you got support? How's your break going?

Lweji · 22/06/2016 07:27

He'll probably say he won't so it for now, in which case it might be highly satisfying to hand him the phone. Or report yourself: my husband is accusing me of abusing my child, could you come and see how the child is treated and by whom, please?

Lweji · 22/06/2016 07:28

...won't DO it...

PhoenixReisling · 22/06/2016 07:37

Regardless if he is bluffing/trying to scare you or not, I would call post adoption support anyway.

He is gas lighting you...and I cannot believe well I can that he stood by and watched this and did not intervene to help, it's like he allowed this to happen to then verbally bash and bully you.

You are not his emotional punchbag and raising a child with SN (I assume ASD) is tough (I have a DN with severe ASD), coupled with the your DC being adopted and issues with possible attachment/early life trauma is tough.

What does he actually bring to your relationship?

originalmavis · 22/06/2016 09:13

Is he hoping for the child to be taken away? Is he fed up with a child with additional needs and wants the responsibility to just go away? Op - you know him, is he a good dad or just a passenger?

Original poster
JemimaEaves · 22/06/2016 14:25

I sent him the link to our local safeguarding team! This was his response:

"Thank you for supplying this. However, do you think it is actually a good idea to get involved with these people ? For years we've been avoiding involvement with the 'experts' knowing full well what invasion it can cause. I don't see any benefit in proving either one party or the other 'right', which I very much doubt they would do anyway. You have agreed not to be involved in James' physical care which removes the concerns I expressed."

I told him to do what ever he likes!

OP posts:
SymphonyofShadows · 22/06/2016 14:37

How on earth are you supposed to function without being involved in your son's physical care? The man is an arse and he's backing down, call any agencies you think might help. Why does he get to decide what happens?

ptumbi · 22/06/2016 17:54

How is he going to 'enforce' that you are not involved in his physical care, OP?

Is he there? Does he stand and watch? You've told him you won;t physically touch your ds - how will you manage that?

kittybiscuits · 22/06/2016 17:57

Whatever else happens, it is clear that you have absolutely sussed out your H. That can only be a good thing. How would you like things to look at week from now? Or a month from now?

Original poster
JemimaEaves · 22/06/2016 18:00

The way I avoid doing physical care is by not being there. My other son and I are going to rent a property for six months to give us some breathing space.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 22/06/2016 18:02

Do you have anyone you can talk to / log this with? GP, HV, anyone?

It doesn't sound at all right, healthy or productive. It sounds as though your DH has other things on his mind, other plans, maybe. 'Proving either side wrong/right' seems to shout that he has / has had other issues with your DSs care.

I don't understand the 'don't touch' thing is going to work. Or, to be honest, how you haven't called SS yourself, given the weird edict you have been issued with. You have been put in a truly odd position by your DH... he gets to threaten you, demand you act according to his lights and then told to shut up, don't contact anyone!

Go find someone to talk to. Get this worked out before it escalates into something even more odd!

OurBlanche · 22/06/2016 18:03

Oh, x posted. That sounds as though there have, indeed, been other issues.

Good luck, I hope that works for you.

Original poster
JemimaEaves · 22/06/2016 18:06

Thank you. I must admit I'm so tired and brain foggy I'm not thinking very straight. Can you be more specific as to the dangers as you see them - I'm getting the feeling I'm being naive

OP posts:
Original poster
JemimaEaves · 22/06/2016 18:09

Ourblanche - do you mean my husband having other issues with my care of my son? Apart from rolling his eyes from time to time there has been nothing like this rant. He has a history of verbally bullying the other son and school counsellors have been involved. We were thinking about leaving anyway but this has pushed us harder

OP posts:
ptumbi · 22/06/2016 18:09

Jemima - do you mean you are leaving your SEN ds with him for 6 months? How does that work with fostering?

I hope if nothing else, it shows OH how much you actually do

Original poster
JemimaEaves · 22/06/2016 18:12

My Sen ds is in residential school mon-fri but home at weekends. The school holidays will be fun for my husband though! I can get contact by visiting him at school which will make things easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
JemimaEaves · 22/06/2016 18:13

He's not fostered.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 22/06/2016 18:23

Sorry, Jemima, that doesn't read quite how I thought it. I meant that I couldn't imagine anyone starting in with such actions unless there had been something else going on... from what you have said your DH has been weird and unreasonable on other occasions.

I wondered if he had given you reason to doubt your relationship before, I sort of assumed he must have as his actions are quite extreme. I also wondered if he was gearing up for some other action that would leave you looking like an unfit mother / unreasonable wife.

Good luck with moving out and finding some calm/peace.

Original poster
JemimaEaves · 22/06/2016 18:24

Thank you for explaining!

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 22/06/2016 18:26

I am sorry I wrote it so badly the first time. I doubt you need any extra pfaffing at the moment.

kittybiscuits · 23/06/2016 18:18

OurBlanch I think you are a bit of a legend Smile.

How are you doing Jemima?

kittybiscuits · 23/06/2016 18:18

OurBlanche - sorry for no E!

Original poster
JemimaEaves · 23/06/2016 20:04

Struggling to be honest. Need some good legal advice but our local solicitors was busy today.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 23/06/2016 20:11

Have you got an appointment booked? You will have some tough days - it's to be expected. Keep posting for support if you can Flowers

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