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Original poster

am I honestly expecting too much?

34 replies

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 11/06/2016 23:25

I just want to enjoy life and feel appreciated really. Me and DH very rarely do anything together and if we do it will be a restaurant for a couple of hours once every six months or so. I said today about a couple we know going to a spa hotel overnight and he went off on one slagging this couple off with all their faults when all id said was wouldn't that be nice. He's so negative and always says things like 'I wouldn't enjoy that' as if what I might like is irrelevant.

He's always made me feel unappreciated. He gave me a very low limit for my engagement ring. He wasn't hard up- he was still living with his mum at the time. I wanted to go to a lavish resort for our honeymoon as its a one off thing but said no we couldn't afford it- then joined an expensive golf club. We went to a bog standard resort.

He then starts ranting at me and saying right I'm going to phone your mum and ask her to babysit at half bloody ten getting agitated. I told him not to be so ridiculous and he said I shouldn't 'bully' him into things. Am I just wanting too much or is this marriage dead in the water

OP posts:
Rowanhart · 11/06/2016 23:27

I think ihe sounds pretty awful tbh. Spending time together doing nice things should be a pleasure. Or what's the point.

Sorry for you. Flowers

HeddaGarbled · 11/06/2016 23:31

Hmm, I'm not sure. I don't think it's expecting too much to want to do nice things together, but those nice things don't have to cost a lot of money.

whattodowiththepoo · 12/06/2016 05:02

Why do you care so much about price? It sounds like you both need to decide if you want each other enough to work on the relationship.

sykadelic · 12/06/2016 06:34

The examples you listed, you're being grabby.

  • "Bog standard resort" is STILL a resort. Why on earth would you go to a lavish resort? Weddings are already expensive and he was obviously uncomfortable with the cost. Why is what YOU want more important? Yes he joined an expensive golf club, but it's a club, a multi-use thing, must more cost effective than a "one off" visit to a lavish resort
  • "Low limit" for your engagement ring... You feel "unappreciated" because there was a low limit? Why are you equating how he feels with the size of the rock? That's incredibly sad.

The couple going to a spa and "wouldn't that be nice" which is obviously designed to tell him you want to go and he should take you. Again, very grabby. WHY must you always bring up expensive things? Have you considered or suggested anything that doesn't involve lots of money?

Yes your relationship may be "dead in the water" but it's got more to do (based on your OP) with your attitude and sense of entitlement than him refusing to spend lots of money on you all the time.

Toffeelatteplease · 12/06/2016 06:46

Can you afford it?

If you can afford it and it means something to you, you are not being grabby. It is just saying your priorities aren't in sync even though you are married and you jointly need to work on it. You might have to stop hinting and say I want to do this or I would like to have the other. Or just do it if affordability is ok.

If you don't know whether you can afford it that's another question again. Usually with the answer LTB

If you can't afford it you are being grabby.

If you can't afford it because you're DH gets everything he wants but you don't get anything you want, then you need to LTB

noisytoys · 12/06/2016 07:04

I would feel the same as you. We don't have a lot of money but we went and chose an engagement ring together and the price range we looked at made it clear that this was important to both of us and there was some sacrifice on his part to pay for it. It's not grabby, you are going to be wearing the ring for potentially the next 60 years, it has to withstand that.

Again the honeymoon was the best we could afford and was the best holiday of my life. We didn't spend more than we could afford but we didn't skimp either.

Looking at the cost isn't grabby when he is saying by his actions 'I can afford this but you aren't worth it'. I would be heartbroken too.

branofthemist · 12/06/2016 07:10

This is one of those threads where I am not sure which way the problems lies.

You do seem to put a lot of emotional value on what things cost. And he doesn't.

Personally I don't like the 'wouldn't that be nice' turn of phrase. It's one of those questions where you are clearly looking for only one answer. Which is yes.

I think your attitudes to money may be incompatible.

branofthemist · 12/06/2016 07:13

And quite honestly I wouldn't expect dh to sacrifice anything to pay for my engagement ring. I don't even know how much mine cost.

noisytoys · 12/06/2016 07:23

OP knows how much her ring costs because she had a price limit to choose one. She doesn't say how much that limit was, but say if my DH can afford £££ but set her limit as £ I would be offended. If it is within the realms of having to buy CZ when he can easily afford diamonds I would be embarrassed. A financial sacrifice, but still affordable to us bought me a ring that I'm proud to wear.

branofthemist · 12/06/2016 07:28

My point about not knowing, was about why the op knows.

But because I never thought to ask. I love my ring regardless of cost. Not sure proud is the word I would choose. But I do love it.

Does the OP say he bought her CZ when he could easily afford diamonds? No.

That's why I said it's difficult to tell and it may be just a incompatibility issue.

Dozer · 12/06/2016 07:29

Could/can you both afford the things you'd like to have/do? What was the cost limit on the ring?!

It does sound like you don't do much together (expensive stuff or not).

His unecessary negativity about the other couple was off.

What's your marriage been like? Is he good to you? Do you love him?

nousernames · 12/06/2016 07:34

To me it seems like you just want to spend your money in different ways. It doesn't mean either of you is right or wrong though.

TheStoic · 12/06/2016 07:37

Yes your relationship may be "dead in the water" but it's got more to do (based on your OP) with your attitude and sense of entitlement than him refusing to spend lots of money on you all the time.

Rubbish. Everyone has a different love language. If the OP's is 'gifts', then expressions of love in this way mean a lot to her. Doesn't make it wrong or 'grabby'.

Cabrinha · 12/06/2016 08:30

How did he end up with the financial power in your relationship?
I will have whatever engagement ring I want, because I shall pay for it. I daresay my fiancé will want to pay half! In which case he can pay his budget and I'll double it and top up or - far more likely! - his budget will be too high and I'll tell him to put in far less. (I'm currently eyeing up a bespoke beautiful piece at £125)

Honeymoon - why did he get to decide?

Money is a red herring though. A happy couple who want to go to a spa together are happy just together at home too. If your relationship isn't working at home, a spa trip won't help. So I'd evaluate it on day to day living. And I'm with you OP - I wouldn't enjoy being with someone who didn't like spending time with me.

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 12/06/2016 08:32

He's just very negative and doesn't have a lot of ambition outside these four walls or actually within them. He doesn't get things done that need doing or doesn't see what needs doing including the landing where he took whacking great chunks of plaster off taking the stair gates down, the bathroom is terrible and needs redecorating I keep saying right when are you going to get some quotes do you want to look at some brochures? All the decorating I've done or arranged as he just seems to sit and let life drift by. It's exactly the same for us doing things as a couple, if I didn't initiate we'd do bog all and then when I try he moans.
The only reason I've mentioned cost of things in all this is because it's easily affordable yet he wants to spend his money on him.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/06/2016 08:35

Sounds grim. What's good about him?

branofthemist · 12/06/2016 08:38

It sounds like spending isn't the only problem. In which case the marriage may be dead in the water.

You mention stair gates do you have children? Does he not bother with them?

Do you both work?

Was he always unsociable?

Toffeelatteplease · 12/06/2016 08:40

Do you have access to (all) the family money and accounts? Why don't you book a spa weekend? why don't you get quotes in?

You seem very passive in some respects.

Cabrinha · 12/06/2016 08:42

TheStoic my reading of the 5 love languages is that gift giving / receiving isn't materially driven. A £10 ring is as good as a £1000 ring - it's the act of gifting that counts, not the money spent.

Whisky2014 · 12/06/2016 08:44

Cant You get the quotes? Do you work, does he work? What's the financial situation?

Sounds like he doesn't want to do anything and you do. I wouldn't hang around.

Cabrinha · 12/06/2016 08:45

He sounds dull.
Do you actually want to go on a spa break with him?
I expect what you actually want is to be with someone that you do want to go on one with - and vice versa.
So yes - potentially flogging a dead horse.
I'd spend spa money on counselling before I wasted it on a spa.

Joysmum · 12/06/2016 08:54

I didn't have an engagement ring as it was a waste of money for me and I'd rather we spent the money on the wedding.

However, I'd not be with anyone thought I needed to be set a limit on anything rather than trusting that I'll have considered the price. Your DH doesn't trust your attitude to money.

Yes, it would be nice to go to a nice spa hotel, no that doesn't need to illicit slagging off of others that do.

Interesting that he sees no issue with spending on himself but not you both as a couple.

TheStoic · 12/06/2016 09:52

TheStoic my reading of the 5 love languages is that gift giving / receiving isn't materially driven. A £10 ring is as good as a £1000 ring - it's the act of gifting that counts, not the money spent

That's right - it's the thought behind it that counts. A $10 ring could have great sentimental value, given with love. Or it could have been a cheap token costing the bare minimum the giver could get away with. The recipient can usually tell the difference.

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 12/06/2016 21:12

He is dull lately. That hits the nail on the head. When has was talking about getting his tax rebate soon he said 'great we will be able to get a new telly!' despite the fact the house is falling down around our ears

OP posts:
Dozer · 12/06/2016 22:38

Objectively, what state is the house actually in?

Does he do day-to-day domestic work, childcare, is he kind and good company?

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