am I honestly expecting too much?

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

I just want to enjoy life and feel appreciated really. Me and DH very rarely do anything together and if we do it will be a restaurant for a couple of hours once every six months or so. I said today about a couple we know going to a spa hotel overnight and he went off on one slagging this couple off with all their faults when all id said was wouldn't that be nice. He's so negative and always says things like 'I wouldn't enjoy that' as if what I might like is irrelevant.




He's always made me feel unappreciated. He gave me a very low limit for my engagement ring. He wasn't hard up- he was still living with his mum at the time. I wanted to go to a lavish resort for our honeymoon as its a one off thing but said no we couldn't afford it- then joined an expensive golf club. We went to a bog standard resort.

He then starts ranting at me and saying right I'm going to phone your mum and ask her to babysit at half bloody ten getting agitated. I told him not to be so ridiculous and he said I shouldn't 'bully' him into things. Am I just wanting too much or is this marriage dead in the water

[IncidentalAnarchist]

How much do you earn in relation to him, OP?

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

He's a good dad. He works hard out of the house. He's financially responsible. Those are the good points.
But he has a habit of sucking the joy out of everything tbh and it's getting wearing.

[SandyY2K]

I think your financial arrangements don't suit you very much.

I don't think you're demanding at all, but I've long since learnt that when you use another couple as an example it doesn't go down well.

You should have said I'd like us to get away and have a relaxing spa break. Without mentioning the other couple. Men will see this as a dig. Like you're saying the other man takes his wife away and he doesn't do the same.

Why don't you sit down and make a list of work that needs doing around the house together and decide when the jobs can be done in order of priority.

Do you work?

Do you have access to money yourself? Some men are useless at maintenance and you may well have to take charge in that area.

[ImperialBlether]

Well-hidden qualities are a waste of time! Reveal your qualities!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

How much do you go out with your mates? How much do you rely on him to be your entertainment? He spends his money on him, what do you spend your money on?

[kittybiscuits]

You're not grabby and at best he sounds like no fun at all.

[Dozer]

T'is true he's not sounding great. Perhaps he has (well hidden) good qualities?

[ImperialBlether]

He sounds very kind and marvellous company, Dozer!

[ImperialBlether]

Do you have children, OP?

A marriage isn't a life sentence; if you are not happy together you don't have to live together.

[Dozer]

Objectively, what state is the house actually in?

Does he do day-to-day domestic work, childcare, is he kind and good company?

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

He is dull lately. That hits the nail on the head. When has was talking about getting his tax rebate soon he said 'great we will be able to get a new telly!' despite the fact the house is falling down around our ears

[TheStoic]

TheStoic my reading of the 5 love languages is that gift giving / receiving isn't materially driven. A £10 ring is as good as a £1000 ring - it's the act of gifting that counts, not the money spent

That's right - it's the thought behind it that counts. A $10 ring could have great sentimental value, given with love. Or it could have been a cheap token costing the bare minimum the giver could get away with. The recipient can usually tell the difference.

[Joysmum]

I didn't have an engagement ring as it was a waste of money for me and I'd rather we spent the money on the wedding.

However, I'd not be with anyone thought I needed to be set a limit on anything rather than trusting that I'll have considered the price. Your DH doesn't trust your attitude to money.

Yes, it would be nice to go to a nice spa hotel, no that doesn't need to illicit slagging off of others that do.

Interesting that he sees no issue with spending on himself but not you both as a couple.

[Cabrinha]

He sounds dull.
Do you actually want to go on a spa break with him?
I expect what you actually want is to be with someone that you do want to go on one with - and vice versa.
So yes - potentially flogging a dead horse.
I'd spend spa money on counselling before I wasted it on a spa.

[Whisky2014]

Cant You get the quotes? Do you work, does he work? What's the financial situation?

Sounds like he doesn't want to do anything and you do. I wouldn't hang around.

[Cabrinha]

TheStoic my reading of the 5 love languages is that gift giving / receiving isn't materially driven. A £10 ring is as good as a £1000 ring - it's the act of gifting that counts, not the money spent.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Do you have access to (all) the family money and accounts? Why don't you book a spa weekend? why don't you get quotes in?

You seem very passive in some respects.

[branofthemist]

It sounds like spending isn't the only problem. In which case the marriage may be dead in the water.

You mention stair gates do you have children? Does he not bother with them?

Do you both work?

Was he always unsociable?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Sounds grim. What's good about him?

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

He's just very negative and doesn't have a lot of ambition outside these four walls or actually within them. He doesn't get things done that need doing or doesn't see what needs doing including the landing where he took whacking great chunks of plaster off taking the stair gates down, the bathroom is terrible and needs redecorating I keep saying right when are you going to get some quotes do you want to look at some brochures? All the decorating I've done or arranged as he just seems to sit and let life drift by. It's exactly the same for us doing things as a couple, if I didn't initiate we'd do bog all and then when I try he moans.
The only reason I've mentioned cost of things in all this is because it's easily affordable yet he wants to spend his money on him.

[Cabrinha]

How did he end up with the financial power in your relationship?
I will have whatever engagement ring I want, because I shall pay for it. I daresay my fiancé will want to pay half! In which case he can pay his budget and I'll double it and top up or - far more likely! - his budget will be too high and I'll tell him to put in far less. (I'm currently eyeing up a bespoke beautiful piece at £125)

Honeymoon - why did he get to decide?

Money is a red herring though. A happy couple who want to go to a spa together are happy just together at home too. If your relationship isn't working at home, a spa trip won't help. So I'd evaluate it on day to day living. And I'm with you OP - I wouldn't enjoy being with someone who didn't like spending time with me.

[TheStoic]

Yes your relationship may be "dead in the water" but it's got more to do (based on your OP) with your attitude and sense of entitlement than him refusing to spend lots of money on you all the time.

Rubbish. Everyone has a different love language. If the OP's is 'gifts', then expressions of love in this way mean a lot to her. Doesn't make it wrong or 'grabby'.

[nousernames]

To me it seems like you just want to spend your money in different ways. It doesn't mean either of you is right or wrong though.

[Dozer]

Could/can you both afford the things you'd like to have/do? What was the cost limit on the ring?!

It does sound like you don't do much together (expensive stuff or not).

His unecessary negativity about the other couple was off.

What's your marriage been like? Is he good to you? Do you love him?

[branofthemist]

My point about not knowing, was about why the op knows.

But because I never thought to ask. I love my ring regardless of cost. Not sure proud is the word I would choose. But I do love it.

Does the OP say he bought her CZ when he could easily afford diamonds? No.

That's why I said it's difficult to tell and it may be just a incompatibility issue.