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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sick of being insecure and jealous

72 replies

MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 17:46

I don't know wtf is wrong with me. I feel like I'm going insane.

How do i stop being insecure? It can't be a personality trait because I've never been like it before.

Is anyone else like this with no reason?

OP posts:
BossyOfficerFlossie · 18/05/2016 17:55

I am when I am pregnant! Otherwise usually fairly laid back...

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 17:57

See I always thought I was laid back.

I'm pretty sure I don't project my insecurity onto OH but sometimes I just want to screeeaaaam!

It's a horrible feeling Sad

OP posts:
BossyOfficerFlossie · 18/05/2016 18:00

It is a horrible feeling. And probably pretty awful for your DP too. Has anything changed recently that has set you off?

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 18:07

Not really.

He's away with work for a couple of days.... there are a few things passing me off about that.

Not that he's going, before anyone jumps on me. I'm glad he's going. Just that things keep cropping up that I knew he'd be shady about because he knows damn well I won't like them

OP posts:
BossyOfficerFlossie · 18/05/2016 18:09

What kind of things? I am a bit ferociously anti strip clubs so my OH always goes a bit shady when off on stag do's as he knows he might cop a rant about the sex trade...

BossyOfficerFlossie · 18/05/2016 18:11

And he sometimes goes quiet about who else is going to some conferences as he always drinks way too much with them and morphs into a mouthy gobshite who often gets into trouble...

LizaLemon · 18/05/2016 18:14

What do you think's triggering it?

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 18:19

Ummm usually who he's seeing through work etc.

He's always really really chatty with the women. Not all of them, just a few that he's helped through their relationship problems (probably why I get pissy) just because I hear him chatting to the blokes and it's always a very functional phonecall, whereas the women it kind of verges at times on a bit "over keen" (on his part)

So this works thing is for his company but they have a contracted company work alongside them. They've never been invited to this works thing and it's always been that way. Then all of a sudden his "friend" has been invited.

She doesn't even work for the company directly.

I've posted about this woman before and it's blatantly a weird 'friendship' they were on ALL of each others social media.

They'd spend 2 hours a day chatting on phone then still be sending each other messages and pictures on WhatsApp throughout the rest of the day.

It does make me insecure. It makes me nervous.

It also makes me feel like I'm an unreasonable arse. And jealous I guess. And yes, i'm ashamed of how I feel.

OP posts:
LizaLemon · 18/05/2016 18:32

No that sounds fairly reasonable to me actually. I'd be upset in that situation.

If he's beginning to cheat on you, then he's an idiot or a jerk who isn't worth keeping - not that you might feel that way right now.

Have you two talked about it?

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 18:37

I think he's just really naive.

I spoke to him about it yesterday.... mainly because I'm concerned that he's going to be all gushy over her and people are going to ridicule him (I know folks already have digs over her.... am worried once the drink has flowed it's going to end up being stepped up a gear by a few of his cilleagues who are knobs and he's going to look like a middle aged man chasing a 20 something woman)

I don't want people to take the piss out of him.

I don't think for a second she'd go near him but she loves the attention he gives her.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 18/05/2016 18:43

How would he feel about you having a male friend who you spoke to for 2 hours a day?

Then spent time texting after that with the same man?

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 18:47

He always says he'd be happy if I was happy. Not so sure though.

See, the childish side of me is jealous that he's going to be out, all dressed up, eating a lovely meal, drinking nice wine with live music in a beautiful place.

He's never ever taken me anywhere for anything like that.

He took me out one Sunday a few weeks ago. He bought himself a deathburger from a stand which I decided not.to eat because I assumed he'd be taking me for a meal afterwards. We got almost all the way home, I asked where we were going because I was hingry and needed to take my tablets and he pulled into a garage and got me a salad sandwich and a bag of crisps.

So yeh.... I'm jealous. I wish he'd get dressed up for me. I wish he'd take me somewhere nice.

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 18/05/2016 18:58

So instead of wishing. Say nothing about his trip. When he calls you or messages from his trip take your time answering and go out and do other stuff so youre not sat in fixating on him. When he calls you'll be able to tell what you've been up to and ask him the same. When he comes home say you'd like a proper night out next weekend get him to book it. If he doesn't don't spend time with him until he does. Make yourself feel more of a prize and your insecurity should lessen.

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 19:09

I try. I honestly do.

He promised me a weekend away, just the two of us. We looked online, chose a place and he got me so excited.

Then nothing.

I reminded him a few weeks ago and he said he'd forgotten. I'm not going to beg.

I'm trying to play it cool. It's just hard when I feel like a stroppy kid

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 18/05/2016 19:20

Then stop being cool and throw a strop, you don't win brownie points for being a matyr you know. As the saying goes.. if you don't want to be treated like a doormat then stop lying down and letting people walk all over you.

givepeasachance · 18/05/2016 19:24

I think you need to start trusting your judgement not doubting it

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 19:28

I've just discovered a massive bullshit lie.

But he wants me to pick a fight and I'm not biting

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 19:29

If he didn't fucking lie I wouldn't be insecure

OP posts:
LizaLemon · 18/05/2016 19:30

Why does he want you to pick a fight? Does he want you to end your relationship?

And of course you wouldn't - but trust is essential for relationships Flowers

nonladyofleisure · 18/05/2016 19:35

Sounds to me like this bloke is an Arse and is stringing you along.... I had a similar thing with my recent boyfriend I split from this week...

A girl who is his ex, but they are just friends, who he sees when I'm at work? And just bought a house 3 minutes from her?

I'm not a jealous person at all never have been never will as no one has given me a reason but sound like going out of his way to do this! ... But people take the piss and it sounds to me like he's doing things to cause an argument.

mummytime · 18/05/2016 19:36

I wouldn't stand for any of that to be honest.
I am not one of the lads. So I don't expect to be treated like one.
DH takes me out to nice places, if he was going to book us a romantic weekend he wouldn't forget it. He also knows I'd be unhappy if he was overly friendly with other women (although he has female friends, ev n including one who once tried to seduce him).

I listen to my inner voice because it is often my unconscious trying to communicate what it's spotted.

If DH treated me laugh me like yours treats you, I wouldn't be having his baby or staying around.
And when he has messed up (eg. Him and the DC not saving me any dinner when I was out), he has known about it.

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 19:38

No. But if he picks a fight because of me being ubreasonable, he's got reason to blank me while he's away. Then he can blame me.

OP posts:
LizaLemon · 18/05/2016 19:41

I see. Don't take this the wrong way - but why are you still together? You don't really sound very happy?

Joysmum · 18/05/2016 19:42

There's a difference between being needlessly insecure and having reason not to trust.

You have reason not to trust.

Slowdecrease · 18/05/2016 19:42

If he promised you a weekend away then nothing, then you don't see him again until it materialises. Don't be so afraid of losing him that he loses all respect for you. Dont pick a fight in fact do the opposite, wish him a lovely trip and get on with your life. When he comes back let him come him come up with the goods.