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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sick of being insecure and jealous

72 replies

MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 17:46

I don't know wtf is wrong with me. I feel like I'm going insane.

How do i stop being insecure? It can't be a personality trait because I've never been like it before.

Is anyone else like this with no reason?

OP posts:

RiceCrispieTreats · 18/05/2016 20:42

"I want to be noticed."

OK. But why are you asking for attention from someone who is so plainly unwilling to give it? Seems masochistic. He's made his lack of interest pretty clear.

mummytime · 18/05/2016 21:08

How do you know all that about his ex? Did he tell you? Do you have any independent proof?
He has played you, making you see that not taking his money and maybe not expecting him to contribute fully to be a badge of honour.
It is a very effective technique. "My ex would always nag about... But your not like that, that's why I love you." A good way of stopping you mention whatever it is.

What happens to his bonuses now?

HoursOfFun · 18/05/2016 21:10

The eBay thing sounds bad too alongside everything else.
You feel dependent and needy because he is lavishing greater financial independence under your nose but not sharing with you.
You don't actually need this crap.
Why should you be made to feel insecure, needy etc etc? Get angry! And then channel the anger into working out what you want to do. You only have one life. Don't make someone a priority if they're only treating you as an option. (Words I am applying to myself now on a daily basis)

Original poster

MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 21:27

Mummy time

We grew up living next door to each other as kids. My mum still lives next door to his mum. His kids were always at his mums at weekends while they were away.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 18/05/2016 21:59

I don't mean to sound harsh here...
But what it looks like is that you are not able to support yourself financially and that's not a good place to be coz you end up putting up with a lot of crap and poor treatment.

Many women stay in rubbish relationships because they are dependent on men. Some men have no problem with this ... but I speak to many who resent the situation and the woman. They see independent successful women in the workplace and often strike a relationship with them.

It sounds like you live with him.....
In his place with your kids. Do you work? Would you not qualify for housing benefit or other financial aid as a single parent?

When you're getting lies and crappie treatment from a man... you should be able to tell him to give you space ....or if you feel it's not working live in your own place.

Right now this relationship sounds very miserable for you ... yet he seems a okay. So it looks like he isn't that bothered one way or another. Financial independence will give you other options.

How soon in your relationship did you start living together?

Isetan · 18/05/2016 22:40

So he sold you a fairytale and now you live together the chase is over he's off chasing new thrills.

You're asking the wrong question, it isn't 'why does he treat me so poorly', your question should be, 'why do I let him'.

mummytime · 19/05/2016 04:58

If you knew him as a kid. What was he like then?
What were you like then?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/05/2016 05:20

Mmm what a horrid situation...

It does sound that once he got you, he just moved on to the next person/thing to chase... His 'treating you like a princess' was all about his need to ensnare you...

Personally, I would have an ultimatum and a time limit... Be very, very clear with him.

Give him 2 barrels over this.... It is not about being 'materialistic', it's about treating everyone else has more value than you. It is shit feeling 3/4 th 'best'. His reply should tell you everything...

I wouldn't really waste any more of your life on this man, until his behaviour changes.

Original poster

MagicMoonstone · 19/05/2016 07:08

Mummy time

As kids we just played out but didn't get overly involved. When he was about 13 he became a born again Christian. He didn't really mix after that.

I think the time limit is a good thing.

I think that would give me chance to get things in order and help me to decide.

I just don't know if I'm asking too much?

I read on here about women letting husbands go off on holiday on their own and having female friends and I want to be like that. I want to just chill the fuck out and accept that if he loves Me, he won't stray or won't do anything that would potentially hurt me.

I have a male friend who I met through a shared hobby. He lost his wife 3 years ago and has pretty much lived in solitude since. He has no family so has never really talked about losing his wife.

He recently had problems with his legs and was texting me (just silly worries that he should really be at home but he kept having falls and if he fell at home, nobody would know so at least if he's at work, he knew that if he had a fall there would be people about) My OH was OK with this and I suppose he used it as an example of being fine with having friends of the opposite sex. Bare in mind I am 37 and this chap is somewhere around 70?) I always feel like I'm being shady chatting with him but I make sure my phone is there for if he wants to see what's being said, and I will tell OH what we are talking about so absolutely zero secrets on my side.

So why can't I just be OK with it if he is?

OP posts:

Slowdecrease · 19/05/2016 09:17

"Letting him have female friends". No. You don't let someone have friends. They have friends. And to go over it again, you're not ok with it because your jealous the question is, is it him or you.

Slowdecrease · 19/05/2016 09:19

Do you let your friends have friends? I would imagine the obvious answer is yes. Extend this to your OH. If he's going to cheat he's going to cheat either way, the best you can do (and actually the only power you actually have) is to relax and not assume the worst. And actually jealous behaviour drives people towards more light hearted people to spend time with ie their friends. Are you driving him away unwittingly ?

dilys4trevor · 19/05/2016 09:34

This sounds like a definite ow, but you know that.

It's likely he will be having an affair with her but is getting away with it because it's all open ('in plain sight' etc).

The whole wanting him to just be pleasant and speak to you thing is what I had. Picking fights so he has an excuse to ignore you for days. Exactly the same as what happened to me with my ex. He has lost interest in you but wants to make you feel like the problem. You need to end the relationship asap. He's horrible and doesn't have your interests at heart. His priority will be himself and ow.

I'm sorry. . I think this every time I read threads like this but I SO wish I'd come on here when I was going through this.

Original poster

MagicMoonstone · 19/05/2016 10:18

I think somethings been taken out of context.... of course I "let" him have female friends. I'm not a monster. Far from it.

He has many many female AND male friends. We all need friends. It's just the closeness of certain friendships I struggle with.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 19/05/2016 10:29

If my OH was on the phone for 2 hours to OW I'd be feckin' livid.
But he wouldn't!!!

LizaLemon · 19/05/2016 10:32

Yes but OP what are you doing to cause his affair? If you were perfect he'd be perfect too!

Sorry, but what victim blaming bollocks.

He's doing a number on you either way - even if he was totally devoted (and he's demonstrably not) then the fact that you're this upset and he's not working to reassure you and help you work through it is not ok.

Slowdecrease · 19/05/2016 10:45

Just to clarify I'm not victim blaming. What I'm saying is don't be a victim (if thats how it's being classed) the power is all the OP's. And you did say "letting" him have friends op, so not out of context, maybe a Freudian slip on your part. Either way I support you, but it's on you to act, not him or anyone else.

Original poster

MagicMoonstone · 19/05/2016 10:57

"I read on here about women letting husbands go off on holiday on their own and having female friends and I want to be like that. I want to just chill the fuck out and accept that if he loves Me, he won't stray or won't do anything that would potentially hurt me."

This is the only place I can see where I've said anything about anyone letting anyone have anything.

I haven't said I don't let him or do let him have friends. Of course I let him do anything he wants. He's a grown man.

OP posts:

Slowdecrease · 19/05/2016 11:04

Heres the thing OP. He could love you, worship you and adore you. And still hurt you. He could think you're the most amazing woman he's ever met - and still stray. If he's going to do it he's going to do it.

What you need to do to address this insecurity is a/ think whether he is actively causing it - i.e. drifting in a real tenable way towards this other woman. In which case what? Lock him in a tower. Pull a face and be in a mood so he has that 'excuse' to pick a fight. You could. Or you could use the only power you have and (to recap) wish him well on his break and let go of what might happen. Get in there first. Get rid of him in your head if you want too, make plans to leave his house and get away from it.

If however, you think that maybe he isn't causing it, its how you're feeling about yourself (put his influence aside for a moment) then do you need to work on yourself? Have you given up stuff you used to do to spend more time with him? Go and do it again. Exercise, meet your friends, move him from the centre of your life to being a part of it again (thats all in your power you know) keep your cool and see if that makes a difference to how you feel about yourself, and how he views you.

Its old fashioned advice and lots on MN will bawk at it but it is what it is. You have your own life to live OP, live it be the best partner you can be to someone and that will either bring out the best in them too or you'll rise able them, but it has to start with how you feel about YOURSELF, regardless of anyone else.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/05/2016 11:05

He sounds like a dick. I think he's checking out of the relationship and there is nothing you can do to stop that. He should want to go away with you, spend weekends together etc, the fact that he can't be arsed means he just doesn't really want to.

Is the house solely his? I would be saving up for a rental deposit if I were you.

mummytime · 19/05/2016 12:01

My DH has gone on holiday by himself - but then he's also looked after the kids while I've done stuff. We both have friends of both sexes.
But neither takes the other for granted, and if a holiday or something was going to cause the other problems we'd work it out together.

If he made me feel jealous and insecure that would be something different. And I would be very cross if he took me for granted or didn't book something he'd promised.

RiceCrispieTreats · 19/05/2016 12:07

"I just don't know if I'm asking too much?"

No. You aren't asking nearly enough. You're accepting to be treated with contempt.

Do you really think that this is all you deserve?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 25/05/2016 07:11

Absolutely agree that people should be 'allowed' to have the friends they choose, who enrich their lives..

But there is a massive HOWEVER here:

The key difference is:
It's all about context. It's against the background of him treating you appallingly. AND he is doing things that suggest more than 'just' friendships!

He's also trying to tie you in knots /gaslight you : for example "you have this 70 year old disabled pal (that you have no sexual interest in) EQUALS, I'm going to be free to have any number of young woman around me that I'm intending having sex with...".

I suspect OP that you have been so ground down by him all your bullshit detectors are not working properly... And of course he is doing everything to make it feel that YOU are THE Problem.

I think you need to be very clear in your own head re time limits - also be aware that he may superficially comply with a time limit, - it keeps you bubbling under.. And keeps him in control... And when he has you back where he wants you - he'll revert!

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