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Original poster

Sick of being insecure and jealous

72 replies

MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 17:46

I don't know wtf is wrong with me. I feel like I'm going insane.

How do i stop being insecure? It can't be a personality trait because I've never been like it before.

Is anyone else like this with no reason?

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 19:48

I'm not happy anymore.

I want the man back I fell in love with though.

This is shit :'(

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 18/05/2016 19:55

How long have you been together?

Easybee7692 · 18/05/2016 19:55

Magic-if you haven't been like this in the past, then you really do need to ask yourself if this is the man for you. Some people are naturally insecure and jealous and it is a horrible trait but it sounds to me like his behaviour is behind this and that's a totally different kettle of fish.

It doesn't sound like he is a great catch from what you have out so far.

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 19:57

2 years almost.

He treated me like an absolute princess in the beginning. He really chased me.

He made me fall in love with him. I was happy on my own but he was just so perfect.

Now I'm like a needy weed.

OP posts:
EarthboundMisfit · 18/05/2016 20:00

I think you need to question why, if you're not insecure generally, this is happening now. A strong possibility is that your feelings are completely reasonable.

Branleuse · 18/05/2016 20:00

im sorry OP, youre insecure for the first time in your life because youre being treated like crap. Its not you, its him. You dont need to be cool about it all. Hes taking the piss.

Slowdecrease · 18/05/2016 20:00

I'm almost two years too but it's nothing like this. Chasing isn't treating you like a princess. He did that because that's what men want and need - the thrill of the chase - it wasn't for your benefit though I'm not slating the man for being a man. When he 'made' you fall in love with him the chase was over. If you don't make him work for you again now (with actions, not words) as I've advised above you deserve the crumbs you get tbh.

What are you going to do?

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 20:05

I don't want to be unhappy or insecure anymore. I owe my kids more than that

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 18/05/2016 20:06

Have you only being insecure in this relationship? Or always

Slowdecrease · 18/05/2016 20:08

Sorry just 're-read Op. Two possibilities. You have reason to feel it as the relationship feels unsetlled or onesided and you don't date rebalance it in case you lose him of the other one is something has changed about you as a person to knock your self-esteem, quite apart from your relationship. Weight gain for example

HoursOfFun · 18/05/2016 20:09

Personally I think the looking for a weekend and then 'forgetting' it is a bit cruel and so is the salad sandwich and I don't get the random woman going on the work trip (and I say all this as someone who, by mistake, has tolerated too much cruel behaviour myself over the last couple of years). I think you are making his behaviour your problem when actually it's his problem and you don't have to put up with it.
Can you go out and have a laugh whilst he's away and not think about him for a bit?

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 20:15

I will have my kids so can't go out but I'm having my friend round (who he hates with a passion) Smile

OP posts:
Hiddlesnake · 18/05/2016 20:15

He has no respect for you.
The 2 hour chats and then further messages are a massive red flag (I know - I was once the OW Blush )
But he doesn't treat you the way you deserve. He's playing games by picking fights and lying. He's complacent now he has you - and that is not your fault, it's his.
He "forgot" to book a weekend away? What a joke.
Kick him to the kerb.

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 20:16

I have put weight on but not nearly as much as he has.

OP posts:
PiePiePie · 18/05/2016 20:20

Sorry Magic, but this sounds a lot like the manipulative gaslighter I dumped not long ago. Amazing magic beginning, he seemed perfect... Six months on and I was jealous and insecure, having never been remotely jealous before, it's just not in my nature. And the fact that you're trapped in a sort of mind game with him where you feel you can't raise an issue because it means he has "won" is also very familiar to me. He's got you playing a horrible game you never signed up for. And he's telling whoppers?

Get rid. He's not naive, he's not sorry and he's doing it on purpose. I spent far too long wanting the man I fell in love with back, but it was never going to happen because it was all a sham in the first place. It's headfuckingly weird to experience, but it's true. I wish someone had said this to me six months in.

Easybee7692 · 18/05/2016 20:21

Magic- it has nothing to do with weight. It's behaviour designed to make you feel insecure. Don't allow it to happen. Take control back. You were happy single before so you can be again

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 20:24

I guess I'm hoping that this passes and he realises he's being a dick.

We've had a massive journey over the last week years. I'm reluctant to give up. But I'm more reluctant to feel like this for much longer

OP posts:
PiePiePie · 18/05/2016 20:26

To clarify, mine was 18 months so pretty much where you are now. It just became so obvious to me then. Six months is when I had enough information really, looking back. But when you're committed you rationalise things :(

Slowdecrease · 18/05/2016 20:27

How's he going to realise? Spontaneously? You have MET a man before right. He's being a dick but you're with him,you're the one doing the teaching here....as I said. Don't kick off, wish him a nice trip, get on with your life, let him come back to you with a weekend away booked and ready or not at all and take it from there. If however you really dont trust him to the point his association with his friend is too much , let go.

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 20:31

I'll see if he keeps to his word and comes back early and actually does something for ME as opposed something that's purely for his enjoyment.

In the mean time I guess I need to get my practical head on.

I don't know where I'd go if I left. There's no space at mums. I can't afford a place of my own. Kids dad would take us in a flash but that would go with a million conditions and I couldn't live with the emotional manipulation that would go in hand with that.

Plus my pets... being practical I know he wouldn't keep them here so somewhere I can take them.

Shit am I really thinking about this? I don't want to leave. I want him to notice me again. I want to talk and him to be interested in what I'm saying. If I mention his work we can talk about it for ages. If I mention supervises, he will talk to me. Anything else and he's just not interested.

OP posts:
PiePiePie · 18/05/2016 20:34

I'm sorry Magic, I didn't pick up you lived together. It's bloody tough enough without that Brew

RiceCrispieTreats · 18/05/2016 20:36

You are not jealous and insecure. Your good judgement is kicking in and telling you that his behaviour is wrong.

It sounds from your posts that you still want to hang on to hope, though. But the longer you stay in a situation where you are not being respected, the worse you are going to feel.

I'm sure he was lovely to you 2 years ago, but now there's another woman he'd rather be sweeping off her feet. Please don't stick around to get taken for a mug any longer. You're worth more than that.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 18/05/2016 20:37

The answer is right in your first post... You're not an insecure person, but in this relationship you're jealous and needy.

And, in my opinion, with excellent reason to be! He is openly flirting with other women, treating another woman like his gf, lying, hiding things from you, treating you lazily, breaking promises and then acting as if YOU are the unreasonable one.

!!!!

You said yourself that you were happy before you met him. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AFTER YOU DUMP HIM, TOO.

I promise - this is just infatuation. At the moment, you're infatuated and literally cannot see a way out of this, because you assume that life without him will be agony. I've been there. But I've also seen the other side: life without him will be surprisingly (to you) LOVELY. it'll be such a relief. The weight will fall off. You'll feel like you elf for the first time in 2 years. All your friends will tell you what a twat he was. Your kids will love that you're no longer distracted and grumpy/ecstatic/grumpy/ecstatic, delegating on his actions. You'll LOVE IT.

SandyY2K · 18/05/2016 20:37

Start focusing on you and less on him and his behaviour. Do things that you enjoy and try and gain some confidence back.

His whole attitude smacks of cheating to me and lies are enough to destroy a relationship. He's chased you and your his ... so no more effort from him.

Go out and show that you have a life with or without him.

Original poster
MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 20:38

His XW would be lavished with weekends in log cabins, weekends away in stately homes. Weekends in Spain. Expensive cars. Expensive tech toys. Every single quarter when he got bonuses she had them spent.

I don't want any of that. I just want to talk, and to be noticed. (The weekend away won't cost a penny as he has a voucher through work that can be spent at a number of places)

She kept all of her money saved up. I get 800 a month and he said he was worrying about gas and lecce bills so I offered 200 a month of my money (which he took) but I use my money for food shopping anyway.... and that gives me independence to feel like I'm contributing fairly (it cant be fully fair as he's on a lot more money than I am) but I spend everything I have on the house and the kids. Never any on me.

He has stuff arriving every day from eBay. I don't care about any of that.

I'm not materialistic I don't think.

But I cant help but compare :(

OP posts:
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