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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you have ended your marriage and then agreed to have them back did it work out?

53 replies

HoppingForward · 12/05/2016 21:18

Lots of years married, DC together, we have seperated for a good few months now. He has good contact with the DC, we communicate better now.
He is desperate to come home, I'm struggling on my own but if we tried again it would have to work.

It's been a lot harder than I ever thought it would be, but I couldn't put us all through this again in a outlet of years time.

OP posts:

Poppledopple · 12/05/2016 21:20

Why did you separate?

Original poster

HoppingForward · 12/05/2016 21:24

Spent a very long time together and got to the point where he didn't respect me anymore and I lost who I am (I've found that again now and he understands what I need better)

OP posts:

LisaMed · 12/05/2016 21:37

How are your kids about this? I haven't looked up your other threads, but I remember them, and it was pretty grim.

Do you remember how you felt the day he had to leave?

Original poster

HoppingForward · 12/05/2016 21:49

I felt relief on the day he left. I felt stronger than I have done in years.

I assumed the DC would also be happier but they haven't taken it very well and have maybe even replaced him in the dynamics by taking their anger in what I did (made him leave that last time) out on me.

I've swapped an angry male adult for 3 angry DC, maybe it wasn't the right decision on my part in regards to everyone else's happiness?

OP posts:

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 12/05/2016 22:16

DH and were similar we went through a lot in a short space of time and found we were not the same after. I didn't feel supported and unsure of who I was, he seemed to lose all respect for me. We couldn't afford for him to move out so we cohabited for a year as separate people, he realised what he's done wrong and I realised I was a strong person but I missed my DH it's been a long road but we are better than ever. Not sure it will help but I am saying sometimes it can be a good thing. Hugs to you op

ButIbeingpoor · 12/05/2016 22:18

I took mine back and regretted it ever since. We then separated again and are now good friends.
Taking him back stopped me moving on.

Original poster

HoppingForward · 12/05/2016 22:27

Im happy being with just me but I fret about the DC and him, they are not happier now.

OP posts:

LisaMed · 12/05/2016 22:31

IIRC (and I could be wrong), it hasn't been that long.

Your kids feel safe to take their distress out on you, and if they've seen anger then I suppose that they may show distress as anger.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't get back with him, but if you do is there a chance that he will think that he will assume he has 'got away with it' and all can return back to exactly how it was before he left?

Could you speak to someone like a counsellor or school re the kids.

I don't know if I have got you mixed up with someone else, and I could be talking rubbish, but wasn't there violence in front of your daughter? SS may not think it a good idea. Is there anyone IRL who is qualified who you could speak to safely.

hpsaucy · 12/05/2016 22:41

One question....... Do you really think he made them happy?????

Hubnut · 12/05/2016 22:43

How angry would your kids be to go through it all again in a couple of years? That would be my fear. Then would you be trapped in a shit relationship for fear of not putting them through it again? It would be a waste of your life.

I haven't been in your situation. My partner cheated on me and I've kicked him out. I've told everyone how vile he is so that they will remind me if I ever consider taking him back (because weirdly I still love him, despite being mostly miserable in the last months of our relationship). Part of me thinks "Thank god it happened now, while my baby is too little for me to have to expain what's going on". I also think if I took him back he would cheat again and I would regret having lost the opportunity to build a new happy life earlier.

Aussiebean · 13/05/2016 04:04

Why foes he want to come back? Because he loves you and realises what he did and is horrified by what he did.

Or is it because he doesn't like living by himself and having to do everything you used to do for him. ?

Costacoffeeplease · 13/05/2016 06:20

How has he shown you he's changed?

Costacoffeeplease · 13/05/2016 06:21

Do you really want HIM back, or just someone to take the pressure off?

wineandcheeseplease · 13/05/2016 06:22

I took mine back and never regretted it for a second. It was what he needed to realise what he wanted out of life. It can work a 2nd time.

Summerlovinf · 13/05/2016 07:08

Hmmm yes....it got to the point where he didn't respect you any more and you lost who you were...you felt stronger on the day he left...

You've done well to get out of this marriage - do you really want to end up back at that place? The kids will be fine - they are seeing both their parents. Don't listen to his whining to come back and that the kids are suffering. You're doing well. Stick at it. Focus on continuing to find yourself and on building your life away from your ex.

LadyReuleaux · 13/05/2016 09:26

I'd say it hasn't been that long and for your kids to be happier they will have to process their feelings and take them out on you for a while. That's because you are there and are their strong, trustworthy parent and they can do that. It's hard but I imagine it would be harder for you and them to go back and then separate again.

Also it's really important that you are happier without him. That should ultimately help them be happier long term. I wouldn't sacrifice your happiness for having a reunited family where you will probably be less happy. It's not as if you are missing him and wishing you were back together is it?

I wouldn't. Having said that I'm just starting out on this road (not yet moved into separate homes) and right now I can't imagine going back on it, but I too could find it really hard. I am expecting my DC to take it out on me (or blame me as it was my decision) and that I'll have to be strong.

Take your time, you don't have to make this decision today. You could set a time to see if things get better for your DC, say a year post-breakup.

Original poster

HoppingForward · 13/05/2016 14:46

Setting a time frame is a really good idea. I'm already trying to think it will be easier in a few months once we have 6 months behind us.

He is unhappy being alone and not living here in the family home. He has said he is sorry and regrets what happened, he tells me he loves me but if I'm honest all that is making me think about taking him back is everyone else's feelings.

If the DC were happier I wouldn't dream about thinking about it.

OP posts:

Ekchicago · 13/05/2016 15:04

I am about to embark on this, reading through the comments is really helpful to me as well. First I think separation is needed to at least get the respect back. I have fear too, living alone, doing everything he used to do, and hurting our child. Sometimes you have to lose someone to appreciate him or her. He thinks I "won't find anyone better" but who said I was looking? Just because he cooks and cleans and takes care of things doesn't mean it can take the place of respect, love, connection, but maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe he is right that it's about "companionship" after so many years. There is this lonely sad feeling though, that something important is missing. You mentioned you have been struggling alone, how? It makes me feel maybe you haven't been alone long enough yet to embrace it before he wants to come back. I think I would force it a little bit longer, work through your fears. Maybe in six months you will be telling me to stick it out as well. Please keep us posted!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/05/2016 15:27

Hoppingforward,

re your comment:-
"He has said he is sorry and regrets what happened, he tells me he loves me but if I'm honest all that is making me think about taking him back is everyone
else's feelings".

Your feelings matter more, also everyone else outside your family unit did not have to live with the realities of him day to day.

Re your further comment:-
"He is unhappy being alone and not living here in the family home"

Ah, diddums. More manipulative bleatings. Well he himself caused that to happen, that is not your fault. He probably still blames you for his actions.

I'm thinking he is still trying to get inside your head, such manipulative men will do and say anything to worm themselves back in. He wants to come back home because he has not liked relinquishing the power and control he had over you when you were together. Now he's got to find some other victim.

Original poster

HoppingForward · 13/05/2016 18:55

He is very much trying to get or stay in my head.

I spoke to a friend today who said it might be possible that he is feeding negative comments to DD2 and that's why she is acting up so much and pushing my boundaries so far.

He certainly does this with our youngest who often blames me, telling me daddy is lonely because I won't let him come home and we are all unhappy because I made daddy go. I was just holding on to the hope that one day she will be older and will be able to see that it isn't true so I just tell her I'm sorry.

OP posts:

LadyReuleaux · 13/05/2016 19:07

Well if he's doing crap like that, that's not loving behaviour towards you is it? He just wants his feet back under the table and he's prepared to manipulate his kids and slag you off to get it. I'd be pointing that out to him and saying you're not seeing much respect so far.

I'd tell them you did end it because you saw that you could be happier not living with him as it was upsetting you, but don't say sorry. Say you're sorry they are sad about it and you will help them however you can (i.e. not by getting back with him).

You are the adult and you do know what's best for them – they don't. They don't know they will feel worse all over again if you separate again, but you have to take that into account.

Mine "loves me" and doesn't want us to split. But he's dealt me so much crap – lying, passive-aggressive nastiness, put-downs, not pulling his weight. I don't know what he means by love, but it's not about giving a crap about my feelings! It doesn't sound like your ex actually cares about your feelings either if he's prepared to try to turn your DDs against you.

Poppledopple · 14/05/2016 20:15

Wow - stay well away.

Someone who would consciously hurt their DCs by feeding them nasty manipulative lies about their Mother, who he is saying he wants to get back with is just evil for his own selfish needs.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 14/05/2016 20:40

We weren't married at the time (we are now) Me and my husband split up ten years ago for two years and got back together. We use to argue loads before we did it was a terrible relationship. We were young though so I don't know if we just grew up over the time apart.

Anyway, the whole time we were apart we missed each other and were in other relationships but never happy. It was the best thing we could of done as it made us realise how much we loved and needed each other.

Very rarely argue these days and are really happy.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 14/05/2016 20:42

Wait a minute, iv just read the other posts. is it you who threw him out after he grabbed you by the throat or something?

Petal40 · 14/05/2016 20:49

So if you let him come back,you'd have to have sex with him again.....how does that make you feel??? Would he put up with coming back and no sex....that would be the main reason to help me decide....sex is such a personal vulnerable thing I couldn't be doing it just to keep every one happy

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