If you have ended your marriage and then agreed to have them back did it work out?

[HoppingForward]

Lots of years married, DC together, we have seperated for a good few months now. He has good contact with the DC, we communicate better now.
He is desperate to come home, I'm struggling on my own but if we tried again it would have to work.

It's been a lot harder than I ever thought it would be, but I couldn't put us all through this again in a outlet of years time.

[HoppingForward]

We went to DD2s parents evening tonight. We never went together when he was here, he was always working.

We knew that she has been disruptive and although 70% was very positive about what she could achieve if she put her mind to it the rest was focused on how loud and disruptive she is. He asked every teacher when they thought this behaviour had started to get worse and they all said around Feb (when I managed to get him to leave)

he blamed me for her behaviour deteriorating, asked why I wouldn't think about having him back, asked why I didn't want to speak to him during the week. He ended up leaving without saying goodbye to anyone.

I know I will now have the silent treatment. I suppose I was only answering his emails and calls to keep the peace, stay in the nice phase. I appreciate that probably isn't fair to him but it made things easier for me whilst I deal with all the other dramas that are happening whilst the DC adjust.

I know I've now started the nasty phase, he won't like being rejected by me and will focus on how it's all my fault and be as unhelpful as possible with the next school holiday. Part of me just thinks let him bring it on and the other half is scared of what's to come.

[HoppingForward]

Little dog is doing really well, still very nervous but has made her way from being a cowering wreck behind the sofa to taking centre spot on the sofa cold

[TheWiseOldFairy]

It's ok to have a wobble. I left my abusive husband nearly 3 years ago. Although he made me utterly miserable, there have been a few ocassions where I have wondered if I should go back. Mainly when I'm feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed and don't think I can cope on my own anymore.

But I haven't given in and neither should you. Both of us ended our relationships for very good reasons and the men involved won't morph into nice people if they are given a second chance.

Things might have improved for a bit if I'd gone back but, ultimately, we would have split again because I find life with him intolerable. The thought of putting my DCs through the break up of their family twice was what helped me stay strong on more than one occasion.

[AverysillyoldHector]

Lovely to hear that you are feeling stronger today Hopping. I'm 18 years on from where you are now. It IS worth persevering, promise. You have done the right thing for yourself and your children. Well done

[ColdMeatPlatter]

So glad to hear it hopping. How's the little dog?

[pocketsaviour]

I'm glad you feel stronger today.

Spent a very long time together and got to the point where he didn't respect me anymore
I think you do have to do some thinking about why you're so eager to minimise what happened. This piece of shit was violent to you in front of your DC, because he was irritated that your DD's phone got a text.

Have you had a look at doing the Freedom Programme, in person or online if you can't get to a group? I'm really concerned that you're starting to whitewash what has happened. Especially considering he had physically attacked you in the past (dislocated your shoulder IIRC) and you did exactly the same thing then of "forgetting" it had happened.

You are very vulnerable right now to him re-inserting himself into your lives, after you worked so hard and stayed so strong to get him out. Please do not let your DDs down by teaching them that it's okay to be violent, that if a man hits you then you just wait til he says sorry and then let him move back in and carry on abusing you.

[OTheHugeManatee]

I've just seen why he did to make you kick him out.

Do not let this man back into your life.

Shame on your ex for trying to use the children to manipulate you.

[Poppledopple]

I had to hear from my 4 DC that I was selfish as I had made 5 people very unhappy just to make me happy. That was not the case. My DH had made me v unhappy for many many years - which I sucked up - but his behaviour / our relationship / this dynamic also had an increasingly v negative impact on them and I actually felt proud that I was the one who took responsibility for making that v v tough decision for their benefit in the long run. It was the right decision. I would not have survived mentally physically much longer. I only wish I had done it years and years before.

[ivykaty44]

If the DC were happier I wouldn't dream about thinking about it.

That's your answer

It's your life not your kids life

[HoppingForward]

I'm so glad I posted this now. I was having a really big "what have I done moment" but I'm feeling so much better now.

You are all so right and have made me remember I am doing the right thing.

I've been seeing an alternative therapist and trying out some meditation, when I get time! And next week I'm going to an excersise class with some friends which I've never done before.

I'm starting to do things just for me and I'm going to just ride this rough patch with the DC out and try to stay positive

[RiceCrispieTreats]

I have reported your posts, askish.

Shame on you for using this message board to advertise bullshit paying services to vulnerable people facing relationship difficulties.

[PhoenixReisling]

I remember your other thread.

As I remember it, not only did he threaten you but didn't you have to go between him and one of your DC as well that night? Didn't he also use spyware on devices?

There is a line and he has crossed it. He is abusive.

The DC will be angry and he is using them to mess with your head.

Stand firm and think about getting counselling/therapy (also read all your old threads).

[RiceCrispieTreats]

It's ok to have a wobble. This stuff is hard.

But you know the truth of it: the fact that he's using the DC to manipulate you proves that he's still the same entitled and controlling arse. Don't take such a man back, it would just do you and the DC more harm.

[ElizaCBennett]

I rarely post; more of a viewer really. Only you know how you feel but please please only let him come back if it is what makes YOU happy. Not him, not the children but you. From the outside he seems to be manipulating the children to make you let him come back. Then if it goes wrong again - which I think it will - you will be even more reluctant to throw him out because you will worry about how it affects your children.

Don't be rushed into a decision; you have been strong so far, be strong again and take your time, don't be rushed, by him or your children, into making this very important decision. Think about yourself, because nobody else is.

[BlueFolly]

You have been separated no time at all.

You have to show and tell your kids that nobody has to live with someone who treats them badly.

[BlueFolly]

He threatened to throw me down the stairs and called me a c@nt and a fucking prick In front of our older DC

WTF!!!!!!

WHF!!!!!!

WTF!!!!!!

[HoppingForward]

I didn't get to print anything. Tbh my mind is a mess and I struggle to remember previous names and threads. It sounds like the older D.C Have had a great time at their dads house, I've had time to catch up with DC3 which has been great, it sounds horrible but I really needed a break from all 3 together

[ABCAlwaysBeCunting]

He will revert to nasty as soon as his feet are back under the table. You know it.

[ColdMeatPlatter]

Hopping please don't. Like a pp I remember you linking to all your old threads. Did you print them? You had talked about doing it. Go and read them. He treated you and your DC appallingly. It's still very early days for you all.

[HoppingForward]

you are all right it's a wobble. But it's so hard, so very hard. And all whilst I'm struggling he is being Disney dad, and helping out in the family home in the hope that he can come back. And I'm allowing this because life is easier when he is nice and I'm dreading him reverting back to nasty.

[AverysillyoldHector]

He wont have changed, even though he might appear to have done so, if you have him back the old behaviour will soon return and inevitably escalate.

Its still very early days for your children and it isnt surprising they are finding it hard. Please dont give in to him, and if you find yourself weakening, remember this:

if I'm honest all that is making me think about taking him back is everyone else's feelings.

You are teaching your children that they should not stay in unhealthy abusive relationships by keeping away from him. And that is such an important lesson for them to learn, however hard it is right now. You're doing a fine job alone, keep it that way

[ABCAlwaysBeCunting]

Hopping, I've seen your previous threads and I get that you're having a wobble which is normal, but just no.

You don't want him back. Your DCs don't want him back really. He hasn't changed and he won't change.

You have removed the threat from all your lives - you have nothing to feel guilty about.