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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm upset and I struggling to stop thinking about comments from dh, help me give my head a wobble

36 replies

Esmeismyhero · 26/04/2016 07:19

I went back to work in Feb, I do a hard but rewarding job within the NHS. I work circa 35 hours a week but odd hours so night, weekends and at least 1 X 12 hour shift a week. I do all school runs for preschool and primary school, cooking, most of the laundry, prepping house for cleaner (we just got a cleaner as I was struggling) paying bills and organising finances, rubbish etc etc the list goes on.

Dh has the Dc while I'm working, loading dishwasher at the weekend while I'm working and putting laundry away at the weekend etc.

Anyway dh has a habit of winding me up, I hate it, I tell him I don't like it, he says he can't help it and teases me and always has and it's just a dickhead trait of his that he can change.

In fairness he does it to most people, he is a wind up and I've known him my whole life and he has always done it but this particular subject upsets me.

He says things like "what have you done today, eh lazy" and if I ask him to get something for me etc "you do it, you've been sat on your Arse all day", usually I can laugh it off but yesterday I cried. I've been working so hard in a new field, dd has autism and so I've been dealing with all sencos, meltdowns etc etc, the house, school runs, fucking everything and he was still winding me up.

I didn't laugh, I said exactly what I had done, what I do on a daily basis as well as working and that if he would like me to stop and actually start being lazy doing fuck all like he tells me, would he pick up the slack.

He said sorry and I had a cry, he keeps asking if I'm still mad at him and I'm not, I'm just upset still. I have shit loads to do today and I'm working until 2pm till 2am (he is home early because he booked a trip away when I'm on shift and thankfully work swapped my work around to accommodate dh). I want to just leave everything and tell him to FOTTFSOF

OP posts:

Lilaclily · 26/04/2016 07:23

It's not funny though it's down right nasty

nothanksbyenow · 26/04/2016 07:29

It's really mean and unnecessary. Does he think he's 13?

DippyHippy2016 · 26/04/2016 07:31

Didn't want to read and run. You sound like you have a lot on your plate and that your DH needs to tone it down and be more appreciative of all you do. I wouldn't find it easy working those strange long hours, all the house stuff and school runs. Be kind to yourself

Eminado · 26/04/2016 07:31

He has been a totally ungrateful shit douche and I am not surprised you had a cry.

for you.

I would still be furious mad and I wouldnt be doing anything for him at all
I'd show him lazy.
Ungrateful git.
Sorry he upset you.

financialwizard · 26/04/2016 07:31

You don't need to give your head a wobble, your husband does.

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 26/04/2016 07:36

He's just left for work and it came up again, he says he didn't say I'm lazy he said that I don't do anything for him sex wise last night. Wtf to me that's just as bad, I'm too bloody tired for sex ffs

I'm going to do what I have to do today but I am not prepping dinner for tonight he can do it, one less thing for me.

I'm thinking I might make a list and we can do everything evenly since I'm working the same hours as him, he earns more but hour wise we are the same.

OP posts:

SlinkyVagabond · 26/04/2016 07:39

I'm not surprised you were upset. I'm more surprised you didn't kick him in the cock. He gets an easy ride, you work your Arse off, you swap shifts to accommodate him and he thinks he can make arsey snips at you? You didn't mention if he works out of the home. (He sure as hell doesn't work in the home-dishwasher?!) He needs to stop with the wisecracks, they aren't funny (yes I'm looking at you bil) and step up and support you more.

Chippednailvarnish · 26/04/2016 07:42

Ltb. Seriously.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/04/2016 07:44

Sounds like you are doing far too much. But making a comment that is somehow connected into your sex life is horrible. He sounds mean and unappreciative but l always think making snide remarks about bedroom life is lowest of the low. And make him put the bloody rubbish out. What's he playing at? Mind yourself as you sound overwhelmed. I'm glad you cried. At least you were real and not pretending you weren't hurt.

Hissy · 26/04/2016 07:44

I agree, not a head wobble needed here, a kick in the cock is what he needs, for sure.

Where is this trip he has so selfishly booked and fuck you ? Why is he arranging trips without telling you when you have so much to juggle?

does he raise the sex question often?

fiddlesticks123 · 26/04/2016 07:48

I'm a big believer that 'never a truer word is said than a word said in jest'. I am glad his real issue has subsequently come out this morning because at least now it can be addressed rather than pussyfooting around it making comments at your expense. How selfish of him to criticise your efforts in the bedroom with everything else on your plate

I think your idea of a list is a great one, present it to him, ask him to add anything he feels is missing that either you or him do, then ask him to come up with some realistic ideas on how you can better meet his needs in the bedroom based on that list.

Really sorry Esme, a poking fun sense of humour combined with a lack of emotional intelligence is a rubbish combination when you're feeling low.

YouSay · 26/04/2016 07:51

It's all about him isn't it op. He is not winding you up he actually believes his mean digs. He thinks you should work full-time, do all the household duties and service all his sexual needs. You should stop don't everything. 50% split of the household duties. Get him to take a few days off next week so he can be you for a few days.

shovetheholly · 26/04/2016 08:04

The thing is, it doesn't matter how he 'means it'. It upsets you. He knows this, and he continues to do it regardless.

My exP used to be very sarcastic all the time. It was often very funny, from an objective viewpoint, but living with it - being the butt of it - day in and day out was exhausting, undermining, confidence-sapping and ultimately depressing. It really affected my mental health, I only realised how much when I left.

How would he react if you had a similar dig back? I bet he'd not take it well at all.

ShebaShimmyShake · 26/04/2016 08:04

I'm always astounded by these men who treat their partners like skivvies, let them wear themselves out with far more than their fair share of domestic drudgery, belittle them with nasty immature comments, and then complain because they don't get sex. Where do these useless fleshwastes learn the art of seduction? Carry On films?

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 26/04/2016 08:05

We usually have a really good relationship, rarely argue, he brings me flowers, he does thank me often and says he loves me all the time.

I don't want to ltb as I really love him and I know it's all about balance, relationships go through this but I don't really want to kick him when he says dumb shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 26/04/2016 08:08

Sorry I do want to kick him lol

OP posts:

Ditsy4 · 26/04/2016 08:08

Tell him if he pulled his weight you might have time/ the energy?
I would make a daily list of what you are doing and leave it pinned up with the message
" And what are YOU doing today? "
on it!

carabos · 26/04/2016 08:08

Go on strike. Just stop doing anything in the home that he doesn't do. Do exactly what he would do for a week and no more. Even including kids stuff. Make him realise that not only is it not fair, its also completely disempowering for him in that he is over-dependent on you and that isn't sexy. Stand firm. Sometimes a grandstanding gesture is what is needed.

HPsauciness · 26/04/2016 08:10

These remarks aren't 'jokes' then at all, they are nastily delivered one liners that express his deep dissatisfaction that in addition to working full time, doing all the school runs, caring for a child with autism, and doing most of the housework (wifework), you also don't feel up to sex when you finally hit the bed with exhaustion.

Honestly? This is not ok.

RaeSkywalker · 26/04/2016 08:11

I think your relationship sounds a bit unbalanced- both in terms of workload and respect within the household. He really needs to start pulling his weight so I'd suggest dividing up the chores in a fairer way. I do also think you need to sit down with him when you've got a chance to properly talk and discuss his attitude- he might not mean to upset you, but he does, so it needs to stop.

for you.

Gabilan · 26/04/2016 08:15

Oh bollocks to giving you flowers, that's meaningless. And if he's thanking you, the implication is there's stuff that he thinks you should be doing for him. Then he thinks he's lovely because he says thanks.

You sound exhausted and he sounds as if he has a thoroughly nasty streak.

LastInTheQueue · 26/04/2016 08:20

That's not funny. It's downright nasty and mean, and just shows how much he takes you for granted. Working 35hrs (which I'd consider full time) but with a variety of shifts/days, etc is exhausting in itself. Add to that all the childcare, household stuff and a twat for a husband, I'd be crying too.

I think you both need to find a fair way of dividing childcare and housework. Sit him down, you both write a list of everything that needs doing, and share it fairly. He'd have to be a total cock to see all the tasks laid out and only want to do stuff stuff like unloading a dishwasher.

However, I think you should also stop trying to do it all (you mentioned you got a cleaner because you could cope with all the housework). Stop enabling his selfish attitude and behaviour. And yes, give him a kick, even if just in your head.

mrsmeerkat · 26/04/2016 08:21

Flowers are the easy option, I wouldn't accept it at all. I would pull back a bit and do less to be honest.. Obviously prioritise what your children need but not his laundry etc.

I actually angry for you. I do quite a lot here and probably more than I should but dh never ever says lazy to me.. Ever

LastInTheQueue · 26/04/2016 08:22

*couldn't cope with all the housework

AnyFucker · 26/04/2016 08:23

So when you pulled him up (justifiably) on him not appreciating all you do and making shitty "jokes" at your expense he blamed his behaviour on you for not opening your legs enough

What a fucking arsehole

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