I'm upset and I struggling to stop thinking about comments from dh, help me give my head a wobble

[Esmeismyhero]

I went back to work in Feb, I do a hard but rewarding job within the NHS. I work circa 35 hours a week but odd hours so night, weekends and at least 1 X 12 hour shift a week. I do all school runs for preschool and primary school, cooking, most of the laundry, prepping house for cleaner (we just got a cleaner as I was struggling) paying bills and organising finances, rubbish etc etc the list goes on.

Dh has the Dc while I'm working, loading dishwasher at the weekend while I'm working and putting laundry away at the weekend etc.

Anyway dh has a habit of winding me up, I hate it, I tell him I don't like it, he says he can't help it and teases me and always has and it's just a dickhead trait of his that he can change.

In fairness he does it to most people, he is a wind up and I've known him my whole life and he has always done it but this particular subject upsets me.

He says things like "what have you done today, eh lazy" and if I ask him to get something for me etc "you do it, you've been sat on your Arse all day", usually I can laugh it off but yesterday I cried. I've been working so hard in a new field, dd has autism and so I've been dealing with all sencos, meltdowns etc etc, the house, school runs, fucking everything and he was still winding me up.

I didn't laugh, I said exactly what I had done, what I do on a daily basis as well as working and that if he would like me to stop and actually start being lazy doing fuck all like he tells me, would he pick up the slack.

He said sorry and I had a cry, he keeps asking if I'm still mad at him and I'm not, I'm just upset still. I have shit loads to do today and I'm working until 2pm till 2am (he is home early because he booked a trip away when I'm on shift and thankfully work swapped my work around to accommodate dh). I want to just leave everything and tell him to FOTTFSOF

[Mrskeats]

I couldn't be doing with this
You have your hands full and need support not stupid 'jokes'
If he wants a sex life he needs to step up and take more tasks on
However I'm not sure i l could have sex with such a selfish person who doesn't show any respect

[gandalf456]

I work unsociable hours too so it's tempting for people to think we have more time than we do. I work Thursday to Sunday normally with the odd shift in the week. My hours are staggered around the school . I am still p t but have to remind him that I am not a sahm and can't do everything and I will sit on my arse in the day if I've got to do a late shift

[MadameCholetsDirtySecret]

You need to think of this is going to be your lot for the next 50 years.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Please make last night and this morning the last time he survives being a twat to you.

[TendonQueen]

Worth pointing out to him that if he calls you lazy when you're not and won't stop, then you may as well be lazy. Only a fool would keep doing everything when they are being told how little they do.

[FluffyBunny1234]

What a twat

[BossyOfficerFlossie]

Don't worry about the playground Mafia, we all flip out with panic/ relief when children do these things. My three year old emptied a huge grit store full of grit all over the playground last week... And then dug up a dead thing buried under the mud kitchen and showed everyone... Normal 😳

As for the rest there is a lovely study that correlates how much sex men get with how much of the housework they do, turns out we al fancy them more when the partnership is more equal and they pull their weight... Obvious really but nice to have proof!

I find because I also do an interesting NHS shift latter that I sometimes have to spell out the hours I work, because I was off a couple of days in the week, or was around before and after school clutching a cuppa he sometimes manages to forget that I actually did 39 hours at the weekend or was up all night....

Maybe a strike on the housework front? And if not wine now then defo a glass post shift to wind down.

[Esmeismyhero]

Well I'm not opening my legs that's for sure, as mad as it sounds being a dick doesn't turn me on!

I'm going to do what I have to do today but write a list of everything else for him to do while I am out at work.

Just did the school drop off and dd ran into the bloody road, I actually yelled shit as a knee jerk reaction so no doubt everyone in the playground thinks I'm a potty mouth. Yesterday she threw a terracotta plant pot in the playground and it smashed.

Is it too early for wine? Can't anyone since I'm working lol

[PestilentialCat]

It sounds as though you are married to a twelve year old

[WeeHelena]

Wow way for him to twist the knife.
I vote you do a strike, he seems to have more time than you I assume so could pick up the slack.
You are not a domestic slave.

[HolgerDanske]

Ugh that is a horrible way to treat you. Horrible and deeply distasteful. Who does he think he is, demanding that you service him as if it's just another chore you're expected to do in the house.

He needs to man up and do half the work in the house and in regards to the family. He also needs to give himself a wobble and fuck right off with that entitled attitude. Who lets their loved one work herself to the bone and then snipes at her for not wanting to have sex?!

Flowers? Seriously? I can pick up a bunch of flowers for myself anytime I want, that's no great indication of love and thoughtfulness in my book.

and

[AnyFucker]

So when you pulled him up (justifiably) on him not appreciating all you do and making shitty "jokes" at your expense he blamed his behaviour on you for not opening your legs enough

What a fucking arsehole

[LastInTheQueue]

*couldn't cope with all the housework

[mrsmeerkat]

Flowers are the easy option, I wouldn't accept it at all. I would pull back a bit and do less to be honest.. Obviously prioritise what your children need but not his laundry etc.

I actually angry for you. I do quite a lot here and probably more than I should but dh never ever says lazy to me.. Ever

[LastInTheQueue]

That's not funny. It's downright nasty and mean, and just shows how much he takes you for granted. Working 35hrs (which I'd consider full time) but with a variety of shifts/days, etc is exhausting in itself. Add to that all the childcare, household stuff and a twat for a husband, I'd be crying too.

I think you both need to find a fair way of dividing childcare and housework. Sit him down, you both write a list of everything that needs doing, and share it fairly. He'd have to be a total cock to see all the tasks laid out and only want to do stuff stuff like unloading a dishwasher.

However, I think you should also stop trying to do it all (you mentioned you got a cleaner because you could cope with all the housework). Stop enabling his selfish attitude and behaviour. And yes, give him a kick, even if just in your head.

[Gabilan]

Oh bollocks to giving you flowers, that's meaningless. And if he's thanking you, the implication is there's stuff that he thinks you should be doing for him. Then he thinks he's lovely because he says thanks.

You sound exhausted and he sounds as if he has a thoroughly nasty streak.

[RaeSkywalker]

I think your relationship sounds a bit unbalanced- both in terms of workload and respect within the household. He really needs to start pulling his weight so I'd suggest dividing up the chores in a fairer way. I do also think you need to sit down with him when you've got a chance to properly talk and discuss his attitude- he might not mean to upset you, but he does, so it needs to stop.

for you.

[HPsauciness]

These remarks aren't 'jokes' then at all, they are nastily delivered one liners that express his deep dissatisfaction that in addition to working full time, doing all the school runs, caring for a child with autism, and doing most of the housework (wifework), you also don't feel up to sex when you finally hit the bed with exhaustion.

Honestly? This is not ok.

[carabos]

Go on strike. Just stop doing anything in the home that he doesn't do. Do exactly what he would do for a week and no more. Even including kids stuff. Make him realise that not only is it not fair, its also completely disempowering for him in that he is over-dependent on you and that isn't sexy. Stand firm. Sometimes a grandstanding gesture is what is needed.

[Ditsy4]

Tell him if he pulled his weight you might have time/ the energy?
I would make a daily list of what you are doing and leave it pinned up with the message
" And what are YOU doing today? "
on it!

[Esmeismyhero]

Sorry I do want to kick him lol

[Esmeismyhero]

We usually have a really good relationship, rarely argue, he brings me flowers, he does thank me often and says he loves me all the time.

I don't want to ltb as I really love him and I know it's all about balance, relationships go through this but I don't really want to kick him when he says dumb shit.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

I'm always astounded by these men who treat their partners like skivvies, let them wear themselves out with far more than their fair share of domestic drudgery, belittle them with nasty immature comments, and then complain because they don't get sex. Where do these useless fleshwastes learn the art of seduction? Carry On films?

[shovetheholly]

The thing is, it doesn't matter how he 'means it'. It upsets you. He knows this, and he continues to do it regardless.

My exP used to be very sarcastic all the time. It was often very funny, from an objective viewpoint, but living with it - being the butt of it - day in and day out was exhausting, undermining, confidence-sapping and ultimately depressing. It really affected my mental health, I only realised how much when I left.

How would he react if you had a similar dig back? I bet he'd not take it well at all.

[YouSay]

It's all about him isn't it op. He is not winding you up he actually believes his mean digs. He thinks you should work full-time, do all the household duties and service all his sexual needs. You should stop don't everything. 50% split of the household duties. Get him to take a few days off next week so he can be you for a few days.