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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just a small OW rant

79 replies

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 21/04/2016 08:10

If you're the OW, don't send a message to his partner. And if you do, don't pretend you're being a good person by doing so, or that you're doing it for any reason other than bitterness that it ended before you wanted it to. Yes he's still the biggest cunt, but you're one too.

Sorry. Needed to get that out.

OP posts:

TheDetective · 21/04/2016 08:12

And don't send it on their wedding day....

PurpleDaisies · 21/04/2016 08:17

I'm not sure it's necessarily always black and white. I'd want to know if my dh had cheated and I'd know to go and get std tests. I agree many ow are motivated by revenge but others who didn't know the man was in a relationship genuinely think their partner deserves to know so they can dump him. Texting on a wedding day is beyond the pale though.

Really sorry you've been hurt by your partner.

Original poster

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 21/04/2016 08:31

Pretty sure it's black and white here. She knew he had a partner and a two year old daughter. Despite it ending in January, She waited 3 months until I'd announced we were getting married and then sent an email to my blog email address, the same blog she's sycophantically fawned over in the past.

Isn't that lovely of her?

I appreciate it's not always that black and white though. Sorry

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 21/04/2016 08:32

She sounds like a real nasty piece of work. Who behaves like that? Horrible.

Joysmum · 21/04/2016 08:33

If my DH cheated, I wouldn't give one shiny shit what the motive was for telling me, I'd want to know.

That's why I always advise on here for the OW to tell.

Fratelli · 21/04/2016 08:35

I contacted the ow in my case. She refused to answer any questions but did threaten myself and my 4 week old son. She then blocked me as she was apparently scared of me! Classy one she was. Needless to say I reported her to the police!

FoxSticks · 21/04/2016 08:40

Did you know about her already?

magoria · 21/04/2016 08:47

Perhaps she think you should know what a swanky git your P is before he promises to love be faithful etc?

Superwitchy · 21/04/2016 08:49

op, it's a shitty time for you. Possibly better now than after the wedding though, assuming you didn't already know about her.

FluffyPersian · 21/04/2016 08:50

If my partner ever cheated, I'd 100% want the OW to tell me - I don't care why she was telling me (revenge / for altruistic reasons...) as the result would be the same - I'd know my partner was a cheating twat and could therefore make a decision as to whether I wanted to stay with him or not, knowing he had slept with someone else.

Currently, computer says no.

Goingtobeawesome · 21/04/2016 08:51

And when he says he doesn't want any contact, stop ringing and definitely don't threaten his wife and kids .

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 21/04/2016 09:00

Pretty sure it's black and white here. She knew he had a partner and a two year old daughter

Pretty sure your husband knew this too and he still went off and cheated. You should redirect your anger on the right person. She owes you nothing, unless she was a friend or relative- then you can feel betrayed. But it doesnt mean that she forced him to cheat on you, even if she threw herself at him, he is a big boy and made his decision to cheat on you.

The question is, what are you going to do now that you know? Are you still getting married?

TealLove · 21/04/2016 09:03

I knew someone who did this. She kind of bragged about doing it. She split up a marriage and he had a child.
I went NC with her.

Strawberryshortcake40 · 21/04/2016 09:04

So the consensus is OW shouldn't tell? That women would rather not know if their DH was with someone else? What about if it had gone on for years, is that different from a short thing?

I would have wanted to know if my DH was. I had quite a few suspicions but I wish I had actually had proof.

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/04/2016 09:06

Are you marrying him to spite her? Blimey he fell cock first in to her and he's going to promise to forsake all others is he.

Purplebluebird · 21/04/2016 09:07

I would want to know if my other half was cheating on me, so I could end it!

2flyforwifi2 · 21/04/2016 09:08

Hopefully she has saved you from marrying a lying cheating arsehole. He hasn't only cheated on you, he has cheated on his child. He will do it again.

Toffeelatteplease · 21/04/2016 09:11

I think if he was cheating on you in January and you are now planning to marry the man you have way bigger problems than the OW emailing you....

AuntieStella · 21/04/2016 09:13

"You should redirect your anger on the right person."

From the opening post: "Yes he's still the biggest cunt, but you're one too."

OP is right, it's not either/or, it's both of them. It's totally possible to know this without absolving one.

And yes, I'd want to know, but that doesn't mean all ways and timings of telling are OK.

DougalTheCheshireCat · 21/04/2016 09:14

Your problem is him, not her.

And it's bonkers the two of you are competing for such a looser.

Don't marry him, he'll cheat again. Of course he will. Marrying him now you know he's cheated tells him, fundamentally you will accept it. Would you want that for your daughter? If not set her a good example to follow, you deserve better for yourself. Being alone for a while is better than marrying a cheater.

She, presumably, is hurt about the marriage announcement and wants him back. More fool her.

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 21/04/2016 09:20

*From the opening post: "Yes he's still the biggest cunt, but you're one too."

OP is right, it's not either/or, it's both of them. It's totally possible to know this without absolving one*

It really isnt though. You cant share the blame here. He was the one with the commitment to the OP. By sharing the blame, you lessen the blame that should be on the partner. Its as if she is saying- well he did cheat, but it was her fault so he only kind of cheated.

It gives the OP an out to forgive the partner and justify marrying him despite the fact that he is a cheat.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/04/2016 09:23

She may well have done it out of spite.
But I would think she was giving you a heads up before you spend a tonne money and commit your life to a cheating scumbag!

AuntieStella · 21/04/2016 09:27

"You cant share the blame here"

Blame isn't limited or finite. You are not taking away anything from shit person 1 because you also find what shit person 2 did reprehensible.

I haven't seen anything that suggests OP is looking for an out.

Goingtobeawesome · 21/04/2016 09:27

Not every man who cheats once will cheat again. And not every woman who stays with the man is stupid to do so. By all means say what you would do but don't criticise those that chose a different decision. Telling someone they are a fool for staying says more about you for saying it than the wife for staying.

JAPABimtheonewhoknocks · 21/04/2016 09:28

Earlier you suggested that it would be OK to feel betrayed if OW was a friend or relative. If it would be possible to feel aggrieved at OW then, without this minimising partner's blame, then surely no reason why this can't happen with a lesser-known OW.

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