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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just a small OW rant

79 replies

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 21/04/2016 08:10

If you're the OW, don't send a message to his partner. And if you do, don't pretend you're being a good person by doing so, or that you're doing it for any reason other than bitterness that it ended before you wanted it to. Yes he's still the biggest cunt, but you're one too.

Sorry. Needed to get that out.

OP posts:

Owllady · 21/04/2016 09:28

Why on earth would you make this all about her? He's had you like a kipper hasn't he?

Eustace2016 · 21/04/2016 09:29

Marry him even if yo might split up if you have fewer assets than he does as marriage come with all kinds of legal rights to spousal maintenance etc. If you own a house and he doesn't though then don't marry as he might have a claim on it if you split up.

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 21/04/2016 09:36

Earlier you suggested that it would be OK to feel betrayed if OW was a friend or relative

Absolutely you could suggest a certain betrayal if your mam was having an affair with your partner for example- then you could apportion a certain feeling of betrayal as its your mam.

But this woman owes nothing to her from what I can gather from the OP. Perhaps there is more to it.

housewifedesperate · 21/04/2016 09:43

I was contacted by the other woman but this was after I knew about their relationship.
It was purely for her to have a rant to me.
She was evil. She said things like 'everybody knows he left you for me, you're old, ugly, fat, worthless (I don't think I'm any of those things!) I'm a million times better looking than you' she's contacted me through my exes email (I blocked her) and continued her rant.
This was a person who I let into our lives, knew my children and me before she got with my ex. A horrible warped person. There was no reason for her to contact me other than nastiness.
For all that though, it was my ex that truly betrayed us and my feelings are directed at her. She should have left me alone, not gloated though. In this case I didn't want any communication and didn't (and still don't) understand why she did that.

housewifedesperate · 21/04/2016 09:44

At him, not her!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/04/2016 09:46

I can understand how raw you're feeling right now OP, and how upsetting this must be. I can't believe that the reason for contacting you about it was completely altruistic but at least you know now and can plan accordingly.

Marquand · 21/04/2016 09:53

It is a horrid situation with no winners.

BarbarianMum · 21/04/2016 09:57

I would want to know.

Uncoping · 21/04/2016 09:57

I'm genuinely interested to know how women can stay with men after they've cheated on them?
How do you learn to trust them again, how do you get past the anger and resentment from it?

Also, it's your husbands fault not the OW - she wasn't cheating on anyone, yes it's a shitty thing to do but she's obviously a shitty person & your anger is misdirected!

Oswin · 21/04/2016 09:58

Oh ovaries, I'm so sorry. What a pair of cunt.

NNalreadyinuse · 21/04/2016 09:59

I disagree that OW owes the wife nothing - she owes her common human decency. Bad enough to sleep with a man she knows has a partner and child but to be spiteful to the wife (who is the innocent party here) is disrespectful, twatty behaviour.

Agree that blame is not a finite resource - there's plenty to go around and judging ow to be a skanky person does not mean the cheating man is any less skanky!

penguinplease · 21/04/2016 10:02

Actually the ow did this for me and I couldn't have been more grateful to know the truth.
It gave me the courage to leave a shit relationship that I was stuck in with a man who clearly didn't give a shit.
I get it hurts but surely you'd rather know what a loser you are with and be thankful you didn't marry him!

My advice is always to tell.

Goingtobeawesome · 21/04/2016 10:02

Uncoupling - there are many reasons why a spouse will stay after adultery has been committed. Everyone is obviously an individual and has their own reasons.

2flyforwifi2 · 21/04/2016 10:36

Why would you want to marry somebody who was having sex with somebody else behind your back 3 months ago? Hardly solid foundations for a marriage

hellsbellsmelons · 21/04/2016 10:52

Telling someone they are a fool for staying says more about you for saying it than the wife for staying
I've always thought this is the far harder path to go down and I have every respect for women that are prepared to try again.
I know I couldn't do it though. Also doesn't make me a bad person!

sofato5miles · 21/04/2016 10:59

But wouldn't you rather know?

SiencynArsecandle · 21/04/2016 11:53

He's a cunt, she's a cunt. End of. Concentrate on you and your little one now. You owe nothing to either of them.

Jan45 · 21/04/2016 12:02

So three months after discovering his affair you are now marrying him, crazy!

Goingtobeawesome · 21/04/2016 14:09

Hellsbells - of course you wouldn't be a bad person if you left a cheater.

Jan45 - rude.

Jan45 · 21/04/2016 14:13

How exactly is it rude Going, not that my opinion has anything to do with you, I am replying to the OP?

HuskyLover1 · 21/04/2016 14:25

I wouldn't rush into marrying him. Really, leave it a few years and see if you can get past the cheating. You might find that you can't and it'll be easier to leave him, if you're not married.

I can see why the OW is upset. Only 3 months ago he was sleeping with her (and no doubt saying he was unhappy at home, bla bla), and now he's dumped her and proposed to you! You don't know what crap he fed her, to get her in to bed. Probably said you were separating. No wonder she's annoyed. You have BOTH been played. The guilty person here is your Partner.

StarUtopia · 21/04/2016 14:32

Am I missing something? Why the hell is she marrying a knob who cheated on her?

Great foundation for a happy marriage

Whatamuckingfuddle · 21/04/2016 14:33

But wait. Op hasn't said whether this is how she found out. She might not be marrying him still?
Op whatever the situation is I'm sorry this has happened.

Original poster

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 21/04/2016 14:45

Sorry I've been at work.

I had no idea. The email came out of the blue two days ago. He admitted to it. No sex but that's not the point really is it?

If it's alright with you all I'm a little busy trying to a) protect my daughter b) keep functioning and working and c) not rip his bollocks off and strangle him with them to have made any huge decisions about marriage. I know the MN consensus is usually LTB within seconds of finding out but I'm trying to cope with the shock right now. I keep saying "That's not DP" and having to remind myself that it is DP. it's so out of character.

We've been engaged since DD was born. Only set a date and booked a venue for the wedding a couple of weeks ago. He's a prick for letting me do all of that.

And thanks, OW Defence Brigade. If you'll re-read my post you'll see it said he's the biggest cunt, but I'm not going to pretend she isn't one either. I'm not playing any stupid pick me games. If he wants her he's welcome to her, but he doesn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 21/04/2016 14:47

Sorry that's not fair, I know you're all just giving advice. Everything is so fucked up.

OP posts:

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