Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just a small OW rant

79 replies

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 21/04/2016 08:10

If you're the OW, don't send a message to his partner. And if you do, don't pretend you're being a good person by doing so, or that you're doing it for any reason other than bitterness that it ended before you wanted it to. Yes he's still the biggest cunt, but you're one too.

Sorry. Needed to get that out.

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 21/04/2016 14:50

I don't think anyone would defend an OW. If she knew that she was one? I would imagine he fed her some lies, tbh. Hopefully the wedding is some time off, so you have time to mull this over. The fact there was no sex, is quite a big thing, I think. I wonder what "it" was then? What exactly did he admit to?

Sorry you are going thru this. Flowers

Original poster
OvariesForgotHerPassword · 21/04/2016 14:53

She knew. According to her email she told him "it wasn't fair on me". She knew of me through my blog, always commented on his pictures of DD etc. She was well aware of it.

It was flirting, sexting, pictures and kissing.

OP posts:
TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 21/04/2016 14:56

Believe me OP, I am NOT an OW defender- furthest from it.

I just wouldnt like anyone to focus their anger on the wrong person because it detracts from what you need to do. In your time of course.

Do you really believe he didnt sleep with her?

superwormissuperstrong · 21/04/2016 14:59

So you are planning a wedding and the first you hear about it is the message from OW?
Sorry that is shit...
But would you rather have not found out, got married and then found your marriage was a sham?
There is no 'right' way to find out you partner is a cheating shit - it will always be crap - whether your hear it from the OW, a friend or you just figure it out yourself.
There's a real danger you are going to slip into focusing on her part in the mess, because it's easier to blame an external party than realise your relationship is fucked up. But if you do that you will just mask the true problems - which is the cheating shit of a partner by using up your anger on the OW.

donajimena · 21/04/2016 14:59

I'd marry him if it means divorce would leave you in a better position. .. (I'm being glib I don't really know what I would do)
I'm sorry you are going through this x

LondonHuffyPuffy · 21/04/2016 15:00

Jan45 I think you've read the OP wrong. I read it that the affair ended in January, the OP recently announced her engagement and the OW then took it upon herself to tell the OP about the affair. We are now 3 months on from January. I think the OP has only just found out about the affair. I doubt she is in any good state of mind to make a decision about the future of her relationship.

Jan45 · 21/04/2016 15:31

Ah, I see, ok, still think it's crazy to marry him!

KittyKrap · 21/04/2016 15:35

It was flirting, sexting, pictures and kissing

Are you sure it wasn't anything more? If there has been kissing I would expect that there's been more.

twocultures · 21/04/2016 15:37

That's really crappy OP sorry you're going through it Thanks
Cheating is my worst nightmare and I can't imagine what I could ever do if I found out DP did something...
You could probably do with a bit of time away even a day or two to clear your head and see everything from a different perspective to make the next step...

getyourfingeroutyournose · 21/04/2016 15:51

What a prize set of pricks! She sounds a bit stalkerish and he was never going to tell you the truth about it! How dare he!

Put off the wedding until you know what you want.
Cake Flowers and Wine for you.

CallMeMaybe · 21/04/2016 15:54

Presumably you know nothing about this woman though other than that she had an affair with your partner.

Perhaps she ended it before they went further than kissing because she didn't want to be an OW? Perhaps she realised what a twat he was but knew that as he had a partner and child she didn't want to say anything, just disappear into oblivion, except when you announced that you had set a date for the wedding she realised that you were about to commit your entire life to a man who just three months ago was having an affair with someone else?

What would the response be on here if a woman posted that she'd embarked on an EA with a man which had become physical in terms of that they had kissed etc but she had come to her senses and ended it in January, however now the man has just announced that he is getting married to the woman he was cheating on her with. I have no doubt that there would be some posts saying she was spiteful and to just leave them alone, but equally I think that there would be others who said that she had a right to know especially as her marriage was a lie.

And I'd be wondering whether the partner had suddenly agreed to set a date for the wedding because the OW was no longer on offer.

Only you can decide what to do about your partner, but you're blaming the wrong person if you think the OW is in the wrong here. If you were oblivious to the affair there's a chance she's not the first.

DayToDayGlobalShit · 21/04/2016 15:56

Flowers sorry you are going through this OP. BUT please don't believe the old speil about them not having sex. They will have done. Horrid though it is, it will be the last thing a man will want to admit for fear of losing you totally. He will know it is the end if he admits he has done that, but thinks he will still be in with a chance on the other stuff.

Goingtobeawesome · 21/04/2016 15:57

Jan45- I felt you calling the OP crazy was rude.

Binders1 · 21/04/2016 16:06

I am definitely not from the 'I wouldn't want to know - ignorance is bliss' camp. I would want to know and even more so if I was due to commit myself to marrying someone but that's because I wouldn't then be marrying them or staying with them.

Sorry you are going through this op it's shit. Flowers

NewLife4Me · 21/04/2016 16:08

Well he can't promise to be faithful, which vows does he actually believe in. Maybe he'll write his own that doesn't involve being true to you at all.
What a prick and she's no better.
Sorry you had to find out like this, at least you know now before you made an idiot out of yourself by marrying him Thanks

Salene · 21/04/2016 16:21

How really terrible for you as I know she did it out of spite but would you honestly really rather not found out.?

At least now you know the kinda person you are with and can decide if you want a future with him instead of maybe marrying what you thought was a good man to be shell shocked later down the line when he done it again

Of course there is a child involved so makes walking away not so simple

Op I don't envy you it must be so distressing I hope you get things sorted one way or another

Jan45 · 21/04/2016 16:23

Jan45- I felt you calling the OP crazy was rude.

I never called the OP crazy so please don't stir it, I said marrying him was crazy and I still do, sorry but what has my opinion got to do with you anyway...Confused

Goingtobeawesome · 21/04/2016 16:30

I read it as you calling the OP crazy so I apologise for that.

As for your second part of the sentence. Hmm.

MangoMoon · 21/04/2016 16:40

He's a cunt, she's a cunt,
They're both fucking cunts.
There is more than enough blame to lavishly slap onto the pair of them.
ThanksThanksThanks
For you Ovaries xxxxx

I was sent this link by a poster called Zing when I was in the immediate aftermath of finding out about my (now STBX) twat of a husband and the willing vagina that was desperately 'in love' with him.
It cheered me up at the time, hope it makes you smile too Smile

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=youtube+you+are+a+cunt&view=detail&mid=BDA4C3E3F50AC821E021BDA4C3E3F50AC821E021&FORM=VRRTAP]

MangoMoon · 21/04/2016 16:41

Sorry, I'll try a link that works...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0doSWS0Fj24]

fuzzywuzzy · 21/04/2016 16:57

OP at least now you get to make an informed decision with regards marrying him.

I know someone who married her long term partner only to find out after the wedding he was cheating on her. She had to wait two years to get divorced.

You don't have to LTB that's your choice and your life. Why do you believe there was no physical affair? I'd be asking the ow questions. Because according to the script your P will deny everything and only admit to the bare minimum he knows you already have proof of.

Is there a possibility of delaying the wedding date till you're able to think straight?

Original poster
OvariesForgotHerPassword · 21/04/2016 17:50

I've considered asking her questions but so far my replies just descend into "fuck you you fucking desperate needy arsehole home wrecking cunt I hope you die" so I've just been deleting those drafts.

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 21/04/2016 18:08

Sorry Ovaries but your last post did make me laugh.

Please put off your wedding. He isn't the man you thought he was.

penguinplease · 21/04/2016 18:10

Yeah send those messages to her but send to him too. He's the one you should be directing your anger at.

Original poster
OvariesForgotHerPassword · 21/04/2016 18:12

The wedding is put off without a doubt. The question is whether it'll ever be put back on again. I love him but I want to smack his stupid face with a chair. But I won't because one of us has to not be a twat for DD's sake.

OP posts: