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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is textin female friend

74 replies

rubycastle · 12/04/2016 12:01

Hi advice please. Am I over reacting and being a jealous person. My partner has a female friend, who he has had for years. She is on her own with her son. He claims they are good friends, but when I ask him about her he is very evasive. I asked him out of curiosity if she knows he is with me, and to my utter shock, he said no, she didn't. He apparently doesn't talk to people about his private life.!!!! He tells me when she has text but not the context. I ask him has he text her back and he says no, not yet. But he never tells me when he has. It appears to be all very secretive and I don't trust him. He tells me he loves me. This happened a couple of months ago with another female friend he had, and I really lost my temper and asked him to make a choice. He has now deleted the number and has no contact apparently. I think I know what you will say in your replies. I love him very much and we have a good time together, work well and I believe he wants to be with me. Why does he need to do this texting tho and it makes me so upset. He knows it does and he thinks I am too clingy. Perhaps I am stupid and should be stronger

OP posts:
IlikePercyPig · 12/04/2016 12:11

If I was told by my partner to stop texting a friend because she was female I'd laugh and ignore her.

What are the context of his texts?

hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2016 15:39

How long have you been together?
Do you live together?
You don't trust him though at the end of the day.
No trust = no relationship

chelle792 · 12/04/2016 15:43

I think how long you have been together or how serious you are is relevant. I have male.friends and wouldn't tell dh the contents of those texts as they are private, nor would I tell him the content of texts to my female friends either

thefourgp · 12/04/2016 16:55

Why haven't you met her? Have you met any of his friends and family? If he really loves you surely he'd be proudly boasting about your relationship to others close to him. I'm not buying this clingy nonsense. It sounds like you have genuine reasons for feeling insecure and he's dismissing your feelings.

crazycatdad · 12/04/2016 17:44

If I were your partner and you tried to dictate who I could and couldn't communicate with, I would show you the door. Get a grip.

temporarilyjerry · 12/04/2016 17:49

But do your male friends know that you are married, chelle?

It is this "I asked him out of curiosity if she knows he is with me, and to my utter shock, he said no, she didn't." that makes it suspicious.

everyothernameisinuse · 12/04/2016 18:28

I have another thread on here, i'm suffering...one of the reasons? I had a jealous partner who would not allow any male to speak to me. I don't know why, but he was so jealous I couldn't even look out of the car window the wrong way without being accused of cheating. Please don't do that to someone else. You will drive him away.

MagnifiMad · 12/04/2016 18:33

I think if you don't trust him, threre is no relationship.
I think if she doesn't know he has a girlfriend, that is dodgy.

Him having a female friend is not and him texting her and not telling you what the conversation is about is also not dodgy.

When I was with a guy who didn't mention to his friends etc. that we were together...even denied it when asked...my lovely sister said "You should be with someone who wants to tell the world about you". I know some people are more private about this stuff but when are are excited to be with someone, you do tend to get mentionitis and even if you don't shout it from the rooftops, a mention that you are seeing someone is more usual than someone not knowing at all that you are seeing someone.

twirlypoo · 12/04/2016 18:37

I am genuinely wondering if I know your partner. I am on my own with my son, and one male friend in particular has a girlfriend who really hates me. I've been friends with this guy 20 years. Nothing has EVER happened. We live opposite ends of the country now so communicate mostly via text / phone calls rather than in person. I know he is close to ending the relationship because she keeps checking his phone to see if he has messaged anyone, causing fights when he has received a text etc. It's nothing to do with me, it's her unreasonable reaction to me that will ultimately end their relationship.

(For the record, I feel very guilty for causing problems, but I can also see how she is sealing the end of their relationship with her behaviour)

DontDeadOpenInside · 13/04/2016 01:15

Why hasn't he told her about you? That's dodgy.

MissesBloom · 13/04/2016 01:25

The fact that you feel you can't trust him speaks volumes.

She should be aware of you first off. That's a warning sign right there. No reason to keep something like that private.

Secondly if he's got a female friend he should be very open about his conversations and feel happy to discuss this with you. It would feel uncomfortable if my dh had a lady friend and didn't lay all the facts out first. Some might find this ott but I'd want to know about her and I know my dh would like to know if I had a friendly relationship with a guy.

Something is fishy here....if it were me I'd try to find out more. Just maybe don't do it in a controlling way or start making demands. Just try to rationalise before you take the next step.

Original poster
rubycastle · 13/04/2016 10:08

Hi thank you all for you comments, but no Twirleypoo, the person in question is only 20 miles away from where we live.

I have met his family and friends, but not this OW, who he claims is an old friend. Whilst on holiday he would get up early and go out in the car with his mobile, which he didn't used to. He used to leave his mobile around every where. Then it was switched to silent mode. He said it was because he didn't want to be disturbed whilst we were together. Yes propbably true, but disturbed by who? I hate being like this and never thought I would be. I know its spoiling our time and feel so sad. Thing is, I don't want to leave him or finish the relationship, but I just wish he would stop. Or if there is nothing in it be more open and stop being so secretive. I know my gut feeling, but now how do I approach this with out making accusistions and making me look like a jealous bitch. I don't mind female friends at all but secret texts are awful.

OP posts:
twirlypoo · 13/04/2016 10:21

That makes more sense, and I am sorry for my previous post - I was probably a bit sensitive given my situation.

I think you need to have a sit down chat and broach this once and for all. If he is with this other woman, or wants to be - then you need to go. If she is no threat then I would be stressing you need to be reassured about this too.

If nothing changes I would be walking away. This is no way for you to be living Flowers

Original poster
rubycastle · 13/04/2016 11:32

Don't be sorry, its good to see other opinions. I do know I have to say something, but I know he will think I am prying and being over sensitive. He told me he hates jealousy, but I am not jealous, angry and upset yes I am. I love him very much and I just want to get this needle in my side sorted. How do I go about this .

OP posts:
LittleLegs25 · 13/04/2016 16:20

I would trust your gut instinct. Usually, people who are being secretive are up to no good. If she wasn't a threat then he would have no problem texting her back in front of you, introducing you both and making you feel at ease with their relationship.

Crinkle77 · 13/04/2016 16:39

Crazycat really? I agree that she shouldn't dictate who he is friends with but it is odd that he hasn't mentioned to his friend that he is in a relationship.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 13/04/2016 17:33

I think him not saying he is in a relationship is not right and I think you have the right to be concerned to where this could lead if he won't tell this so called friend.

Original poster
rubycastle · 14/04/2016 15:50

Thanks everyone. Crazycat I do not dictate to who he can see or he cant or who he texts. We have loads of friends, both of us, male and female. Secret texting is totally different. I know he is doing it. Messages and calls come through and he says I don't know who that is, but will go out 5 mins later. Get off you f high horse will you. Obviously it has never happened to you so you don't know what its like. When a message comes through sometimes I can see that its her on the screen. I have not lowered myself to look through his phone Crazycat.

OP posts:
crazycatdad · 14/04/2016 21:42

This happened a couple of months ago with another female friend he had, and I really lost my temper and asked him to make a choice. He has now deleted the number and has no contact apparently.

I'm not psychic so I can only go by what you write, and that certainly sounds controlling to me.

FredaMayor · 14/04/2016 23:27

Secretive behaviour is secretive behaviour and shouldn't have a place in your relationship. Added to accusations from your partner of 'jealousy' is a shot across your bows to try and intimidate you into keeping your feelings to yourself, OP. Only, the thing is, he doesn't get to decide what you say or do, does he?

You have a problem, I think, and you would do well to formulate what you will and won't accept and what you will do about it. A trusted friend in RL could help you rationalise. Good luck.

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/04/2016 23:34

Did the female friend he deleted know about you OP? Was he "secretly" texting her?

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 14/04/2016 23:34

The fact that it's secret means that he knows he shouldn't be doing it. XH changed his phone behaviour totally when he was texting OW. He kept it on him at all times, turned it to silent, slept with it, and the first thing he did each day was text her.

A female friend would be fine but it shouldn't be secret and he shouldn't be hiding you from her either.

Original poster
rubycastle · 15/04/2016 10:14

Thank you again every one. It happened again last night, message came through about 11.30. He didn't get up but was straight out the door first thing and was texting. I know I shall have to do something about this now. Or try and completely ignore it and keep positive in the fact that he is with me. I know more or less where she lives, perhaps go and introduce myself. Ha what a fiasco this all is!!! It is humiliating and knocks my confidence badly. hey ho

OP posts:
hejsvejs · 15/04/2016 10:22

Can you explain to him that you would feel more comfortable about their relationship if you got to meet her?

If he doesn't like jealousy then surely he should understand that the best way to eliminate jealousy is to be more open about things?

He can't ask you to trust him without him showing you that you can.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/04/2016 10:32

keep positive in the fact that he is with me
Oh deary deary me!
This man is no prize to be won.
He should be thrown back so someone else can be treated like shite.
You KNOW you are worth far more than this.
Why settle when you could get out and find someone who actually does love and respect you and won't be off cheating with OW behind your back?
Your beef is NOT with the OW. Leave her alone.
Your beef is with your disrespectful partner.
Let him get on with all this but without you as a fall back girl just waiting to wash his feet.
Seriously - pick your self esteem up and get away.

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