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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is textin female friend

74 replies

rubycastle · 12/04/2016 12:01

Hi advice please. Am I over reacting and being a jealous person. My partner has a female friend, who he has had for years. She is on her own with her son. He claims they are good friends, but when I ask him about her he is very evasive. I asked him out of curiosity if she knows he is with me, and to my utter shock, he said no, she didn't. He apparently doesn't talk to people about his private life.!!!! He tells me when she has text but not the context. I ask him has he text her back and he says no, not yet. But he never tells me when he has. It appears to be all very secretive and I don't trust him. He tells me he loves me. This happened a couple of months ago with another female friend he had, and I really lost my temper and asked him to make a choice. He has now deleted the number and has no contact apparently. I think I know what you will say in your replies. I love him very much and we have a good time together, work well and I believe he wants to be with me. Why does he need to do this texting tho and it makes me so upset. He knows it does and he thinks I am too clingy. Perhaps I am stupid and should be stronger

OP posts:
hejsvejs · 15/04/2016 10:36

I agree with hellsbells, if there was nothing dodgy about the texts he'd have no issue showing you them. Something's not right.

Don't settle for less than you deserve.

Seeyounearertime · 15/04/2016 10:43

Sounds to me like a he text a friend, you emotionally battered him into deleting this friend and now he eels he has to be secretive so as not to face the emotional blackmail again.

Thing is, if he's going to cheat then all you're going to do is mentally torture yourself and not actually stop it happening.

Probably the best thing, and the hardest, is to not worry about it. All these mental Twists will only harm you and may even push him to cheating,
"Well she thinks I am so I may as well" sort of thing.

Original poster
rubycastle · 17/04/2016 13:54

Thanks for all your views. I know its not right and will try and talk it out and see what happens. I too have been in this place before with my ex husband so know the signs and the gut feeling. Its shit. you think you have found the person who makes you happy and then at the end of the day, its the same shit all over again. What is it about men that they cannot be content with someone. I too have gone through domestic abuse and have been hospitalised, unfortunately the CP decided that the case wasn't strong enough and threw the prosecution out. I moved on, found a new job, new home, new area and made a new life for myself. There is no way my partner would hurt me physically, I know I am totally safe in that aspect. Perhaps its me, might as well give up. Have tried so much to make things better and be happy. Obviously I am not enough again.

OP posts:
magoria · 17/04/2016 14:16

Show him the door. You deserve respect and honesty.

He will either go to her or find someone different. Hopefully the someone different will also show him the door until he realises his behaviour is the cause.

You are enough he is lacking.

Original poster
rubycastle · 17/04/2016 15:48

Have made my decision. When she texts tonight, I know its her because of the time and the regularity I shall ask to see the messages, because there are back and forward texts for about half hour and if he wont show me, them I will show him the door. Its gone on too long and its making me ill and the life and fun has gone from me. Its always on my mind now.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubycastle · 17/04/2016 15:59

Hi seeyounearer the time and every one. I have done an awful awful thing and looked at his texts to her. I feel so bad now but have seen a message to her saying ' Yes I will do the jobs for you, but will spend a day first you playing with my cock and I shall play with your fanny' . There you are. Answers on a post card pls. Gutted.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubycastle · 17/04/2016 16:03

Oh my god. Seen more. She called him a bastard for making her tingle all over. Then he text back yesterday and asking her if she still tingleing and if he should do it again.

OP posts:
ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 17/04/2016 16:10

Oh well at least you have proof now. Sorry but at least you won't waste more time on him. Do you live together. screen shot the messages and send them to yourself to re read if he tries to gas light you. Cock and fanny, boak what a creep.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 17/04/2016 16:11

I'd lock myself in the bathroom and read ye whole lot so you can't be convinced otherwise that they aren't true.

magoria · 17/04/2016 16:11

Show him the door then unfortunately a trip to an STI clinic fo you.

At least you know rather than still be thinking there is a chance. Hard as it is you now grieve and start moving on.

LonestarStateOfMind · 17/04/2016 16:24

So sorry you had to read that ruby, you don't deserve to be treated so awfully. This is no reflection on you, some people are just shit.

You have been so strong re-building a life for yourself in the past, I hope you can stay strong.

NanaNina · 17/04/2016 16:29

So sorry OP but at least you know for sure. Not telling her about you made me ultra suspicious. How difficult is it going to be to get rid of him as I assume that's what you'll do. I hate fucking mobiles - my DP's goes off and he's busy texting - sometimes I ask who it is - sometimes I just wonder.

BossyOfficerFlossie · 17/04/2016 16:37

So sorry that your worries turned out to be justified. Agree try to screen shot the messages or similar as otherwise, though it sounds mad at the moment, you can find yourself believing the minimising later... You can be just as devastated by this kind of treatment as by physical abuse and it can take a lot of getting over. Gather evidence, gather strength, be kind to yourself, then do whatever you need to do to get the life you deserve. Lots of good advice on here about the practicalities. Big hugs

FeralBeryl · 17/04/2016 16:48

Oh no. I was just coming on to say trust your gut. My DH has plenty of female friends, but of course they know I exist. It's hurtful if nothing else to think that he wouldn't have discussed you as part of his daily life anyway.
Right, deep breath. Screenshot everything, take her number down too. You don't have to do anything right this minute, but doing this will stop him gaslighting you once he's deleted everything. Flowers

Original poster
rubycastle · 17/04/2016 16:53

Text not long come through again. I have now confronted the issue and said he must go. Oh he loves me, was going to ask me to marry him etc etc . He crying crocodile tears. He is always talking about our plans for the future and only this morning got another job. I now see valentines day he wished her Happy valentine day but I got nothing, not even a kiss. She has no idea about me after all this time. I have been in touch with her by text and asked her if they spent time together and if they had sex within the last 6 months. I have a holiday apartment in south and asked her if she had been there with him alone. He said He was taking her and her partner there to look for property to buy. I believed him and said yes it was ok to take them both. I have been back to the apartment since with him. She has said yes to both questions that she was there alone with him and they had sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubycastle · 17/04/2016 17:00

Don't know if that all makes sense in my last message above. I found her number and text her. Back last spring he asked me if he could take his 'friend' and her partner to my apartment for them to look for property to buy. In my innocence I agreed, so off they went. My partner, his 'friend' and her partner (ha). She has said they were there alone and had sex. He says no, she is making it up. He even came back with a new sheet for me because apparently she and her partner had messed up the one they were sleeping on.!!!!!! He is totally taking the piss isn't he???

OP posts:
ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 17/04/2016 17:00

That's shocking hope you are okay!

Original poster
rubycastle · 17/04/2016 17:04

Thanks everyone, wish you could be here with me and make me strong xx

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 17/04/2016 17:14

He's starting to bullshit you again. I'd ring her on speakerphone and ask her again whilst he's there.
Do you feel safe? If he starts getting angry, get him out, even for a few hours while you think about what you want to do.
I don't think you could ever trust him again though. He has totally disrespected you Flowers

mumofthemonsters808 · 17/04/2016 17:26

I'm so sorry to read this Ruby, you must be in a state of shock, the only consolation is, you now know what you are dealing with and will not be driving yourself mad by thinking you are paranoid, jealous or just suspicious. You now need to decide what you want to do and what you want to happen next. Do not let your cheating partner take control, the ball is in your court. Try not to torment yourself by going over the details of their sordid little affair, it changes nothing, he's cheated, lied and taken the piss out of you, end off. Do you have any children together ?, what do you want to happen ?. If it were me, I'd have to get him out of the house to give me time to think it all through. Stay strong and remember he is the twat, not you or even the OW. Keep us updated about how you are doing.

Original poster
rubycastle · 17/04/2016 17:39

I want to hurt them both, not physically but emotionally. I want her to know about me. I have nothing to be ashamed about . We have no children together. I was right to trust my gut instinct and although I feel ashamed of looking into his phone, it has made me feel shocked, humiliated and so angry and upset I'm not sure what to do first. I want to humiliate him as he has done me. I want to walk up to her and introduce myself infront of them both together. I want them both to feel as bad as I do. I have been so stupid to accept his actions and trust in him. He has so many plans for our future together but none will happen now unless he lets me meet this ow which I am going to try and insist upon. I think I am going mad to be honest. I am so sorry to keep going on about this and you must all think I am foolish, but thank you all for your replies. It really does help xx

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 17/04/2016 18:09

At least you know now. It would be even worse in the long run if you didn't know.

AyeAmarok · 17/04/2016 18:10

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Binders1 · 17/04/2016 18:18

i want them both to feel as bad as I do . I wouldn't focus on the OW, she did not know she was the OW because she didn't know you existed and at least she is answering your questions truthfully. She is a cheat of course to her own dp (was he even on the trip on was it just your dp and her).

I find it funny when a man offers marriage when he's about to lose it all, mine did that but I'm not into lying and cheating, Don't get swept away with his false promises. He wasn't thinking of all your future plans and proposing to you when he was hiding you from another woman and telling her he wanted her to spend the day playing with his cock. Be angry, be upset, don't let him minimise or make excuses. You are now in control and you make the decision that is right for you. Flowers

magoria · 17/04/2016 18:32

You want to insist on meeting OW (who knew nothing about you) before you can have a future with him? I understand you are angry at her but it is not her fault.

Really why are you thinking there is a future with him?

You deserve better than a cheat.

You think he will not do this again?

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