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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants a divorce. How to handle this?

73 replies

Tatiana11235 · 04/04/2016 12:50

My husbanf and have been quite unhappy for a few years but kept going for the sake of our daughter, now 5yo.
Last night we both decided we've had enough. He said he is very bitter because I am younger and have better career prospects whilst he is at thr end of his career with low earning potential.
Today the texted me at 8.40am telling me I'm a horrible bitch and I've ruined his life.
Now I know he will be absolutely vile to me. He will call me names, shout and tell me to fuck off and die. He has done so before.
How do I handle this? Stay calm and cool? Fight my corner? Be vile back?
Thank you for taking your time to read this.

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 04/04/2016 12:53

You go and see a solicitor who has teeth this morning and get legal advice. Follow it.

There is no need to be vile or fight your corner yourself.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2016 12:55

Icy cold civility.

Not only will it give you the moral high ground. It'll also irritate him more than anything vile you could think of - bonus!

Seriously, don't sink to his level

And yes, get a shit hot solicitor. Good luck OP Thanks

Lalaloopy2016 · 04/04/2016 12:57

Let him get on with divorcing you then. And if he doesn't, you divorce him. Ideally you live separately until then. Yes, get legal advice asap. It shouldn't be a fight (mine was) but if you can keep calm and strong that will help.

BrieAndChilli · 04/04/2016 12:59

Keep all the tExt messages
Concentrate on the future for you and your DD

TimeToMuskUp · 04/04/2016 12:59

I second BitOutOfPractise's advice; be an ice cold she-devil. Don't reply to emails or texts, don't answer calls, let your solicitor do all the communicating if he's going to be so rude.

Flowers and Wine It will pass. He will stop being a dick. Just breathe deeply and switch off your phone if you're tempted to reply. And spend time with friends; don't cut yourself off from others just because he's wearing his ass as a hat.

scallopsrgreat · 04/04/2016 13:03

Disengage. A few stock phrases may help like: I do not wish to have this conversation; We've/I've made our/my decision, I'm not changing from that position; I'm not interested in your opinion on me; On repeat!

He sounds awful and I suspect its because you aren't dancing to his tune (whatever that tune may be).

Also agree with pp - get thee to a solicitor!

AcrossthePond55 · 04/04/2016 13:05

Agree with above posters. See the best solicitor you can, NOW.

Before you go make an 'outline' of your family finances, who earns what, who owes what, who owns what, who's saved what. List debts and assets, details of mortgage or rental lease, school/childcare fees. This will help the solicitor determine what would be fair in the divorce settlement.

So, it sounds as if this has happened before, the abuse and threat to leave? You sound so calm about it that it appears to be part of his 'routine'? If so, he's emotionally abusing you. But whether it's the first or fiftieth time, you deserve better. Get out and leave him in the dust.

Original poster
Tatiana11235 · 04/04/2016 13:06

I am normally very calm and don't do shouting and name calling. I just quietly get on with shit that needs to be done.

When I told him yesterday that his employability isn't really my responsibility he really didn't like it.

I guess it's best to keep my mouth shut and avoid setting him off, right?

OP posts:
Isetan · 04/04/2016 13:07

Let the solicitor (you're about to engage) deal with this man baby. Keep a record of his abusive crap and let his tantrum be the catalyst for getting shot of this twat.

I suspect that he doesn't want a divorce but rather just a stick to beat you with.

Original poster
Tatiana11235 · 04/04/2016 13:11

As to assets and so, he doesn't have anything. We rent, have no savings and everything is in my name. It shouldn't be difficult.

I just know it will be hell. When he's wound up there's no stopping him.

Part of me wants to be evil and nasty to pay him back for when he's been horrible to me. But then I don't think it's worth the aggro.

OP posts:
scarlets · 04/04/2016 13:11

Keep the abusive texts but don't respond to them. Meanwhile, see a solicitor. Good luck.

TheNaze73 · 04/04/2016 13:13

Keep calm, see a solicitor and be positive for the future.

yomellamoHelly · 04/04/2016 13:16

Start a diary to document everything that's been said (just in case)

Original poster
Tatiana11235 · 04/04/2016 13:18

When he texted this morning saying I'm a horrible bitch I replied that I'm very sorry I've made him feel this way.
Btw, the problems we had are due to me not satisfying his emotional needs and being 100% focused on the child ever since she was born.
I must admit I do take being a patent a bit too serious perhaps. But in my defence I was left to my own devices with the baby very early on due to the nature of his work. I guess I bacame too self sufficient.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tatiana11235 · 04/04/2016 13:26

Isetan,

I bet he doesn't really want a divorce.
He's never paid bills himself or dealt with anything household admin related.
I'm actually a bit concerned as to how he's going to manage after we separate.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 04/04/2016 13:33

It really won't help your emotional state or strength to engage in vileness with him. You'd just end up feeling dirty. Stand up for yourself as and when you feel it's appropriate but with set phrases as suggested above that declare his attitude and abusive verbal attacks are not acceptable to you or the law.

If your name is on everything presumably that means he should be the one to leave? It probably isn't going to be easy but getting him to go is viable with legal help and police too if it comes to that. There's always the changing locks scenario but it would be cool if he just left.

You don't need to defend being totally absorbed in your little one! Nor for being self-sufficient either! I think self sufficiency is possibly the hugest threat to another's ego than anything else. He's an idiot and he's called time, so off he should go.

MrsArthurShappey · 04/04/2016 13:33

When he texted this morning saying I'm a horrible bitch I replied that I'm very sorry I've made him feel this way. YOU have not made him feel this way!! Don't EVER apologise for the way HE feels (or indeed the way you feel) again, that is not your responsibility.

Btw, the problems we had are due to me not satisfying his emotional needs and being 100% focused on the child ever since she was born. Ugh pathetic man-child. His emotional needs? WTF as above, you are not responsible for his emotional needs. You are responsible for the emotional needs of yourself and your child. That's all.

I must admit I do take being a patent a bit too serious perhaps. No such thing as taking parenting too seriously, it's a serious business. NEVER apologise for being a good parent!

I'm actually a bit concerned as to how he's going to manage after we separate. Fuck that, and fuck him, frankly.

Sorry I'm not normally this sweary but you sound wonderful and he's just a dead weight.

MrsArthurShappey · 04/04/2016 13:34

Oh, and THIS with knobs on:

Let him get on with divorcing you then. And if he doesn't, you divorce him.

butteredmuffin · 04/04/2016 13:39

Stay calm, don't rise to the bait, give him space to cool off. It may be that he is just feeling very hurt and needs some time to come to terms with it. You might be able to resolve things amicably if this is the case, but probably not if you start being vile back to him and say things you will both regret.

I would keep your distance from him, certainly don't say anything hurtful, and get a solicitor.

aginghippy · 04/04/2016 13:41

Don't reply to his messages. Definitely don't reply to verbal abuse saying you are a horrible bitch.

Speak to a solicitor. Listen to their advice. Start thinking about the future you want to create for you and dd.

ivykaty44 · 04/04/2016 13:43

Stuff this may ral high ground malarkey and tbh all this writing it down, when has anyone ever been asked for a what he said and she said?

Twats like this need a wake up call to put them in thier place so they leave you alone - attack

Tell him that he has been a weight around your neck long enough and now he must either sink or swim by himself instead of being a leech.

None of the icy cold bitch routine, if he's fed up then best of he pisses off, gets his own place and sorts his own life out for once

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 04/04/2016 13:45

Twats like this need a wake up call to put them in thier place so they leave you alone - attack

That often cranks up the animosity and makes divoicing much much worse.

butteredmuffin · 04/04/2016 13:46

ivykaty - I can understand the temptation to do that but it is really not a good idea. (Disclosure: I'm a lawyer.) When you are going through divorce proceedings you will get the best result if you are whiter than white. Judges are often influenced by the behaviour of the parties. If the OP's husband continues to be unpleasant and the OP takes the moral high ground, the judge will be inclined to take her side. This could have an impact on custody arrangements and the terms of any financial settlement. If the OP stoops to his level then the judge will not be impressed.

GeorgeTheThird · 04/04/2016 13:48

You have a five year old. You are going to have to deal with him for many years, for her sake. Nothing to be gained by being unpleasant.

Original poster
Tatiana11235 · 04/04/2016 13:52

I will stick with my nature and be calm.

Butteredmuffin, he is very hurt because he had this vision of how marriage should be but it didn't work out this way.

OP posts: