Husband wants a divorce. How to handle this?

[Tatiana11235]

My husbanf and have been quite unhappy for a few years but kept going for the sake of our daughter, now 5yo.
Last night we both decided we've had enough. He said he is very bitter because I am younger and have better career prospects whilst he is at thr end of his career with low earning potential.
Today the texted me at 8.40am telling me I'm a horrible bitch and I've ruined his life.
Now I know he will be absolutely vile to me. He will call me names, shout and tell me to fuck off and die. He has done so before.
How do I handle this? Stay calm and cool? Fight my corner? Be vile back?
Thank you for taking your time to read this.

[butteredmuffin]

Well, things don't always work out the way we want them to.

Hopefully he will calm down and you will be able to resolve this amicably with the minimum disruption for your daughter. But you can't control what he does - you can only control what you do.

What I try to do in any kind of difficult situation (break up, job loss, whatever) is say to myself, "If I were looking back on this moment in five or ten years' time, how will I wish I had behaved?" And then do that. It works for me.

[Tatiana11235]

Ivykaty, he has so been a weight round my neck, you're right. I even told him once that he's not an asset but a liabilty.

Constant problems with people around him, falling out with his family, never ending issues with exes and his other children... very unstable emotionally and financially, prone to depressions... he's just exhausting!

[hellsbellsmelons]

How old is he???
You've ruined his life!? Hilarious.
I agree with a PP. Why are you apologising for how HE feels?
You can't help how he feels. It's him and not you.
How long left on your rental lease?
Can you move in with family for the time being and cancel the lease?

Him: You are a vile bitch
You: Yes dear (said whilst reading something and not even looking his way)

Him: You've ruined my life!
You: Yes dear (etc... etc....)

[Tatiana11235]

Hellsbells, he's 43. I'm 29. We've been together for 10 years and in this time he relied a lot more on me than I did on him.

Maybe I'm just tired of being a carer figure. Maybe that's why I neglected his emotional need. Because I was so bloody tired of trying to meet all his other needs.

He called me a doormat once. I just hate shouting and arguing so always tried to avoid it. Never nagged or demanded anything.

I tried to do my best.

[butteredmuffin]

FFS Tatiana, your husband is not old. He's probably still 25 years off retirement. That is more than enough time for him to pull his finger out and find a way of supporting himself. If you've been supporting him since you were 19 (and he was 33??) then I'm not surprised you have had enough. He had a whole 15 years of adulthood before you got together. How did he manage to function before?

[ivykaty44]

Gosh 43 and his life is over, such is your position of power and influence OP. Do think about a career in something where you need to be powerful and influence as you have fabulous skills there

But really ffs this man is going to go through life blaming everyone else for his short comings - and that's what they are.

Do you rent or own op?

Cos if you rent I would seriously get your act together and sort out job life and rent somewhere else ( preferably 100 miles away) and get on with your life.

[Tatiana11235]

He's a chef so lived in staff accomodations with no bills to pay or stayed with friends.
He had his own flat when we met but could never pay rent on time and didn't pay any utility bills. He moved in with me a few months after we got together.

I didn't really want to moan about him. I guess I'm trying to convince myself it's not all my doing.

My main fault is inability to communicate efficiently. Maybe if I did nag, piss and moan and told him to do what I wanted him to do it would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't resent him as much.

[butteredmuffin]

He sounds like a millstone round your neck, to be honest.

[Tatiana11235]

Ivykaty, we rent. I can't kick him out as he's got nowhere to go so I'm looking into moving.

The thing is though he'll always be a part of my life due to DD. I can't come in between them, i have to stay geographically close to him.
One of prevous exes has attemted to cut contact between him and his son. It was aweful to witness. The threats, the screaming, the nastiness. I don't want to be on the receiving end.

[butteredmuffin]

Is he working? Will he be able to pay the rent on his own if you move out? (I guess this is what you are worried about.) Still, you shouldn't have to stay in an unhappy marriage just because the other person can't take responsibility for himself.

[aginghippy]

My main fault is inability to communicate efficiently

I would bet money that your communication is fine, but he chooses to ignore you when it suits him.

[hellsbellsmelons]

One of previous exes has attempted to cut contact between him and his son
Hardly surprising from the sound of it.
Why do you have to stay geographically close by?
You can move away, just not too far.
43 is not old.
God he's a drama llama.
How you have managed to live this long with him is beyond me.
Chefs are notoriously fucking awful people to live with.
(I shouldn't say that as my DD is a chef but she is still lovely)
*disclaimer, I've done no research into this. Just know landlords who's only criteria of people they won't rent to is chefs!!!
Please don't put up with this shite!
You are way too young and have too much life left.

[JeanGenie23]

My 10yr relationship ended recently (Friday in fact) and I came on here also to ask for advice, it was slightly different cricumstances but our partners sound similar. I would strongly suggest ignore ignore ignore, whilst I understand you are trying to be fair, I've learnt there are some behaviours you cannot excuse. I suspect he has gotten used to being looked after and is now petrified of having to deal with real life, hard cheddar!

[BoatyMcBoat]

Do make sure your name is taken off the lease/rental agreement, or you may find you're being chased for his rent too, once you've moved on. This will have an impact on refs if you need them too.

[Buzzardbird]

I thought his stepson lived with you?

To be honest, I would stop feeling guilty and move on with your life as a lot of things about your marriage are far from ideal.

[Tatiana11235]

Butteredmuffin, he's working at the moment but his contract is up in July. He's never liked permanent jobs so always works temp contracts through agencies.

Hellsbells, I agree. Chefs are temperamental and difficult. He's a 100% drama queen.

I am concerned where he's going to live because he will be having out DD.

I got pregnant within two months after our wedding, we didn't plan it. I have changed a lot as a person and tried to do my best for the family. He says he didn't get what he signed up for, that I'm not rhe person he married. I tried explaining that I stepped up to be a parent but no. It's a poxy excuse according to him.

I stayed so long because i wanted my girl to have two parents under one roof.

[Tatiana11235]

Buzzardbird, yes his son lives with us. His mum can't handle him and he's been expelled from school a few months ago. That's another reason for me not wanting to kick him out.

[Tatiana11235]

His mother changed her mind about contact when she realised she can't control him.

[pocketsaviour]

I can't kick him out as he's got nowhere to go so I'm looking into moving.

Do you want to move? If so, fine. If you'd rather stay where you are, give him notice to leave. He's a bloody adult with 15 years on you, a month is plenty of time for him to find alternative lodgings. It's about time he stepped up and started being a grown up!

[Buzzardbird]

You need to move anyway then, you can't really have a 13yr old boy sharing a room with a 4yr of DD can you?
Now seems as good a time as any to put that right. He will just have to grow up and look after his son.
He's a chef, he can get a job and rent his own place.

You however can move on, have a great life with your little girl and not have to effectively bring up 3 children, alone.

[Tatiana11235]

Thank you ladies! I would have been very lost without you today

[tipsytrifle]

Tatiana - It might be the case that as it is YOUR name on the rental agreement that you cannot move out and leave him there. He isn't the tenant, you are. You would need to talk with landlord about the situation, end your tenancy and see if he was approved to take it on. Unlikely once delved into, I'd have thought. Once you've given notice to leave he will have to leave anyway.

You're trying to mother him and seem prepared to put yourself and dd through the trauma of moving home on the basis of a plan that isn't reasonable or workable.

[Tatiana11235]

Both our names are on the agreement. We both had to sign it.

I don't have a proper plan yet but I realise different options must be considered.

[tipsytrifle]

Ah, my apologies. I thought you said up-thread it was all in your name. That does make you and dd leaving a likely, if unfair, option.

[Joysmum]

Unless you end the tenancy, you are still liable for all debts including rent, damage and fees etc.

You would need to end the tenancy (and get back your share of the deposit) and it's up to landlord to decide whether your DH would be allowed a tenancy in his own name (especially considering his earning power) and then up to him to pay the full deposit and ant fees etc for setting up the new tenancy.

As a LL myself, I cannot advise more strongly against just walking out without tying up the lose ends legally and you could get right royally screwed over!