Husband wants a divorce. How to handle this?

[Tatiana11235]

My husbanf and have been quite unhappy for a few years but kept going for the sake of our daughter, now 5yo.
Last night we both decided we've had enough. He said he is very bitter because I am younger and have better career prospects whilst he is at thr end of his career with low earning potential.
Today the texted me at 8.40am telling me I'm a horrible bitch and I've ruined his life.
Now I know he will be absolutely vile to me. He will call me names, shout and tell me to fuck off and die. He has done so before.
How do I handle this? Stay calm and cool? Fight my corner? Be vile back?
Thank you for taking your time to read this.

[Tatiana11235]

I wouldn't dream of just walking out, I'm pathologically organised

Today I realised I'm concerned he WON'T leave. He might just decide to stay with me and I don't want that. He was ok with me since he told me he wants a divorce, expected me to feed him and all the usual stuff.

[Tatiana11235]

Tipsytrifle, my bad. All the billls are in my name. Just the tenancy is joint.

[UpsiLondoes]

All the advice of the shit-hot solicitor? At the end, you both want to avoid solicitors as much as possible because frankly they will eat up whatever there may be to divide between you in two sets of their fees. And you'll be left with no money. Calm him the fuck down if he's crap with money and tell him you need to both prioritise your child's future instead of chucking money on shit-hot solicitors to fight with one another.

[Tatiana11235]

Upsilondoes, solicitor isn't an option really. We can hardly make the ends meet as it is, unfortunately.
But maybe it's a blessing really as there won't be anything to divide. The actual process of divorce can be straightfotward if both parties agree, I had a good old browse on internet.
I am just not sure what he's going to do. It must be comfy for him being catered for and cleaned after. And if I stop being a maid then shit will hit the fans. Which means my DD will have to witness more shouting.

[KoogaBlue]

Stay calm and don't respond to his comments. Might be a good idea to get some legal advice just so you know where you stand - you can get free legal advice here //www.thefamilylawpanel.com.

[Tatiana11235]

Thank you!

[britmodgirl]

Hilarious neck of this guy...
Tells you he wants a divorce.
Tells you you are a horrible bitch.
Still expects dinner on the table.

Thank goodness you are going to get a shiny new life without this loser!

Good Luck

[Tatiana11235]

Brit, I was like as well.

The obvious question is what on earth possessed me getting involved with him, right? I blame it on my lack of experience at the time. I was 20 when I met him, alone in a foreign country. Sometimes I feel like he took advantage of me.

Fingers crossed there will be a shiny new life

[tipsytrifle]

Your gut feeling is almost always accurate. He was and is taking advantage of you. That much is clear. The wisdom of amicable parting is clear but he needs a mother/maid more than anything else. As you said all this and still dinner on the table?

I guess you need to work out what you actually CAN do regarding talking with him, moving out, him getting a job and growing up superfast. Plus a redrawing of the lines now that you and he are sort of/almost separate? The lines of who sleeps where and who does what domestic stuff. Like his own washing/ironing, shopping, cooking, clearing up. I don't know how that feels to you and practical it isn't, in so many ways. Does he have any money at all coming in?

But here I am wondering about him and actually it needs to be all about you! What are you prepared to do, what do you want him to do for himself?

He's kind of freeloading on you right now, has been from the start. He has to get responsible quickly as he has a son to deal with and house. A difficult one too, by the sound of it. Ultimately you have to figure out a way to get out, I suspect. But joint tenancy still leaves you jointly responsible for the rent, doesn't it?

[Tatiana11235]

Tipsy, i will ask my landlord how i go about taking my name off the lease. Hopefully H will have enough decency to bugger off rather than sitting it out until I move out.

He does have wages coming in. He's just really bad at managing money. He couldn't even look after one direct debit

As all the utilities are in my name i can just notify them of charge of address if i end up moving, no problem there. He will then have to sort himself out.

I have little sympathy left. He's 43 and should be able to look out fof himself and his son.

I just have to overcome this pathetic need to please him and keep him sweet. I only do so for quiet life. He doesn't take any kind of criticism or rudness well.

[Joysmum]

Are you on a fixed term tenancy or a rolling tenancy as the original fixed term has ended? I'm assuming it's in assured short hold tenancy?

[Tatiana11235]

Joysmum, it's rolling now. Our landlord doesn't act through estate agency though. Does it make a difference?

[Dungandbother]

I think joysmum is trying to figure out the legalities of ending your tenancy.

If it's rolling you probably only need give a months notice.

Time to get your ducks in a row. How about asking Landlord if they have any other smaller properties you could move into ?

[Joysmum]

Ok that's fab news!

If you're on a rolling tenancy, all you need to do is give one complete month notice. This means one complete pay month. So if your tenancy started on 2nd, then give notice you give before the 2nd and it will end on the following on 1st of next month. If you're giving notice after your start date, then it'll still run to the start date of the 2nd rolling period to fit in one complete month (unless you have a nice LL who would allow you to do something else). I hope that makes sense

You need to give notice in writing to your LL if they are acting as their own agent. You do not need your DH's agreement to end the tenancy early if it is in both your names. My advice though would to be to call the LL in person first to give the heads up that the tenancy will be ended (1 complete month isn't much notice despite being the lawful minimum) because in doing so you can frame your phone call as a heads up you're both living together but are now separated so the housing situation will be changing soon and that you wanted to ensure they get as much notice as possible before the official notice landed on their doorstep (which puts you in a favourable light) then talk through your options at the same time (although LLs acting for themselves may not know without research!)

So now you have some thinking to do before you give notice to end the tenancy as you don't want to inadvertently end up homeless because you've run out of time to sort out your next step! What do you want to do from here? Did you want to stay and keep the tenancy in your sole name, or leave and find a new home?

Asking your LL for a new tenancy in your sole name has advantages and disadvantages. You'd need to explain to your LL your financial situation and assure that you can meet the costs alone. The less people there are in the tenancy, the greater the financial risk for the LL. You can gently point out that this option would benefit your LL too as there'll be no costs to him through the property being empty, nor cost of prep of the property for new tenants (eg clean and decoration). Bear that in mind if he needs a little push to accept you! You'll get a new fixed term tenancy in your own name before it reverts to the rolling as it would be a new tenancy, not a continuation of the last, so you're tied in until the end of that period.

If you are able to be sole tenant on a new agreement the biggest disadvantage is that your DH may not want to leave! Your LL should confirm in writing to your DH that the tenancy is ending and vacant possession is required. He could be an arse though so just a heads up.

On the plus side, you save on moving costs and it's less disruptive for you. There will still be a need to shift to a new tenancy agreement, new deposit in your sole name, new inventory, LL may want to do a reference and credit check to assess your sole ability to pay (many won't but you can ask what he'd want to do).

If you don't want to stay, it takes time to find a new place so allow for that with your notice period. You could ask the LL to finish your tenancy mid month if that fits in better with the start date of a new place. Don't forget to allow for fees and a deposit for your new place, as the release of your current deposit will happen AFTER you've already moved.

Just as reassurance, although you only need to give one complete month to end a rolling tenancy, your LL needs to give 2 complete months before a section 24 is served, notice that the LL wants his property back, and that is just a a request to leave and not legal possession notice so you'd have more time after that even (I can advise more if it got to that).

I hope I've made sense and it helps. I'll keep your thread on my watched list in case there's anything I might be able to help with.

Time to start thinking and get planing. I hope you've got a lovely LL like me! Best of luck

[Tatiana11235]

Joysmum, that's brilliant advice, thank you so much!

[Buzzardbird]

Well done Tatiana.

[Buzzardbird]

Just to back up what Joy has said (I am a landlord). Your LL would rather help you out and continue with you as a tenant than have to pay marketing costs etc to get someone new in so it is in both of your interests to do it that way. Just make sure that he doesn't realise you are staying so that he doesn't dig his heels in.

[Joysmum]

Spot on Buzzardbird

As with any conflict resolution in life, I've always got best results from trying to see things from the other persons viewpoint.

There's little value in telling a hard nosed LL (if they are going to be awkward) about your issues, your best bet is to explain how things will be best for them giving your proposals.

[Tatiana11235]

Thank you ladies.

My LL is nice and has been very understanding in the the past. Just to clarify, if one of our names has to be taken off the lease will that be treated as a new agreement? As in he'll have to return deposit and then have another one paid?

[Joysmum]

It's how I'd do it as that's legally what's required.

It depends very much on how clued up your LL is.

The reason for a new agreement include:

Removing his rights from the property so he has to leave legally. If he's still a joint tenant he doesn't have to.

Completely separating your finances from each other which means neither of you can run up debts in the others name
If he left you could refuse to pay your rent and smash the place up and he's 100% liable as much as you are.

Likewise when you eventually leave you'll want the deposit returned without the delay and complications of the deposit protection scheme having to find him and get his agreement to reimburse the deposit.

There's more, but you get the gist that if you separate you should be separate for both your sakes.

I have a tenant I suspect has split with her partner, he hasn't informed me and I could hold him for responsible for any losses of mine if her circumstances change so he's taking a risk.

Something else to think about (which I have no knowledge of) is if you need to claim benefits in your own right, would it affect your claim if he's still a joint tenant? I don't know the answer to that I'm afraid.

[UpsiLondoes]

researchbriefings.files.parliament.uk/documents/SN05149/SN05149.pdf

[Tatiana11235]

Thank you, that's very helpful

[Joysmum]

Hey no problem. I wish you the best of luck.

I can't imagine how difficult things are for you emotionally right now, so trying to make a clear cut discussion is hard enough without also trying to think several steps ahead so that how you do things now makes it easier for your future.