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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you leave this relationship?

56 replies

Andrewsgirl · 02/04/2016 17:40

Fairly heated argument, I made him very angry, and he called me a stupid f**king woman. I have been in a previous emotionally abusive marriage and swore I'd never ever put up with what I did before, I feel like he's crossed a line. My barometer is always now what I'd want for my own daughter and I wouldn't want her to be with a man who spoke to her like that, whatever the argument was about, I don't think any woman should be spoken to like that. Should I just walk away?

OP posts:

Pringlesandwine · 02/04/2016 17:42

Yep. Walk away. I wish I had at the start of my last relationship when he verbally abused me. Instead I stayed and was miserable for years. Trust your instincts.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 02/04/2016 17:53

He's called me a selfish b*tch before, and I swore I'd never be spoken to like that again, I just don't know whether I'm being over sensitive and over reacting. Whether it's justified to call me names like that in an argument ? Whether I just deserved it because I made him so angry.

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DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 02/04/2016 17:54

Your line is your line and if someone crosses it then you don't have that person in your life, you don't move your line.

BertieBotts · 02/04/2016 17:58

It's verbal abuse. You're not overreacting at all.

winkywinkola · 02/04/2016 18:00

It's not great to call someone names. Did you call him names?

How is your relationship in general?

scotsgirl64 · 02/04/2016 18:02

He doesn't respect you, what kind of message is that giving your child, don't wait around for it to become physical

DoreenLethal · 02/04/2016 18:02

How did you make him angry exactly?

I mean if you punched him in the face then perhaps he had a point. If you didn't make his dinner when he got in from work then I'd say no.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2016 18:03

Walk away from this before you are emotionally crushed even more. Your own barometer has indeed served you well. You are not responsible for the behaviour of another person.

I would also suggest you enrol on the Freedom Programme run by WOmens Aid as this could help you as well.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 02/04/2016 18:03

No I didn't call him any names, I don't do name calling, I hate it.

Relationship is generally good but when we argue it's horrendous and nasty and he gets very angry and rants at with me.

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Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 02/04/2016 18:06

I made him angry because I walked away from the argument and tried to give us both space to calm down. He said I ignored him and he won't be ignored or treated like that.

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BlackeyedSusan · 02/04/2016 18:06

how long is the relationship? If it is quite a new one, then it is likely to get worse as time goes on.

even so it also depends on your line. if he has crossed it then...

pocketsaviour · 02/04/2016 18:09

I made him angry because I walked away from the argument and tried to give us both space to calm down. He said I ignored him and he won't be ignored or treated like that.

Massive red flag for me. I would walk now before it gets worse.

Lweji · 02/04/2016 18:10

Yes, walk away. Even in a long term relationship, once it reaches this stage it's downhill.

WastingTime123 · 02/04/2016 18:11

He sounds awful and if he's always like this in arguments it's only going to get worse.

butteredmuffin · 02/04/2016 18:13

I've been lurking on this forum for a while but joined so I could reply to this thread.

I think there is a big difference between someone losing their temper and having a nasty temper. The first one is totally normal and we all do it from time to time. The second one is, at best, an unpleasant personality flaw and at worst, a sign of abusive tendencies.

A friend of mine had a boyfriend for over two years who became increasingly controlling and nasty. Verbal abuse is often an early warning sign of more serious abuse to come. It's always difficult to know where your line is, but if you are starting to feel that it has been crossed, leave him sooner rather than later.

My boyfriend, who is usually very even tempered, once shouted "for fck's sake!" or something similar in my general direction when we were trying to put up wallpaper. (It was a very stressful situation.) About two minutes later he gave me a hug and said, "sorry, I shouldn't have shouted at you". He would never call me names like "stupid fcking woman" or "selfish b*tch".

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I would walk away. Even if his behaviour never escalates into anything more, you deserve to be with someone who treats you with more kindness and respect.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2016 18:17

Get rid of him asap. There's nothing to save here. You are not over reacting. It doesn't matter how long the relationship is. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. I'd have left after 'selfish bitch'. I had a boyfriend call me an ignorant bitch in an argument. That was all I needed to hear. I left that night.

BlackeyedSusan · 02/04/2016 18:17

if you tried to walk away and he followed I would see that as difficult. ex used to follow me around when I needed to calm down and it drove me bonkers and I got crosser as I could not escape him. you need to be able to walk away from rows.

sounds like it isn't going to be a good relationship.

wiltingfast · 02/04/2016 18:20

I'm with my dh 10y and he has never spoken to me like that. Massive red flag imo.

huskylover · 02/04/2016 18:22

Hard to say, but omg, my DH does the walking away thing, and I hate it. It's as if he is saying "I don't care about you enough to sort this out". It's not that, he just doesn't want to argue anymore, but blimey, it gives me the rage , as I am someone who would prefer to sort an issue, make friends and move on.

Suddenlyseymour · 02/04/2016 18:25

I don't think it's in any way normal to be called a "stupid bitch" or "stupid fucking woman". I'm in my 40's, and have never been called anything by a boyfriend, husband or partner. Ever. That's normal for most women i know. One person suggested i was "lucky".....nope. I just don't deserve or want that in my life, and neither should you.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 02/04/2016 18:42

I know deep down I shouldn't let anyone speak to me like that, I feel like an idiot. How have I found myself in a relationship again when my OH doesn't respect me and is abusive. I can't help but think I somehow cause this.

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butteredmuffin · 02/04/2016 18:50

There is no excuse for abusive behaviour in any relationship.

People in abusive relationships often believe that their partner's behaviour is somehow their fault, or that they don't deserve any better. This is because they have been conditioned to feel that way by their partner who wants to remain in control. If someone is constantly putting you down then it is hardly surprising if you have low self-esteem and feel as though what is happening to you is somehow your fault. And it is not easy to just walk away from an abusive relationship, even if you know that deep down it is the right thing to do. If someone has been chipping away at your self confidence then you doubt yourself.

But you have left an abusive relationship before, and you are smart enough to read the warning signs now.

You absolutely deserve better, and I think you would be happier either being single and living life on your own terms or in a relationship with a man who treats you with the kindness and respect you deserve.

goddessofsmallthings · 02/04/2016 18:50

You don't cause the lack of respect abusive men have for women as the damage was done long before you met them, but I suggest you give consideration to making contact with your local Women's Aid service and enrolling on the Freedom Programme as third time lucky doesn't always hold true.

As for walking away from this twunt, forget that... get your running shoes on and head for the hills pronto.

Needless to say, don't allow yourself to be suckered back in with sweet talk of the 'I don't what came over me', 'I'll never do it again', 'I think the world of you' kind.

DoreenLethal · 02/04/2016 18:54

I made him angry because I walked away from the argument and tried to give us both space to calm down.

It is entirely your right to walk away when someone is arguing with you.

You might not want to answer but what caused the original argument?

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 02/04/2016 19:00

I've got some unresolved money issues relating to my ex husband which I was getting upset about because I didn't know how to deal with. My partner got cross with me because he gave me advise and I was still finding it hard to know what to do to sort things, he said to me I don't help myself or take advise, which made me angry and the argument went from there.

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